[johnnny]

k im not really about doing something like spilling my guts to some people idont know but since i was like little ive been around pills like vicodin morphine dorvocet and i thought nothing of it but gradually through highschool i started taking them more and more and too make a long story short ive come across an unlimited supply of methadone and i started taking that knowing what it is and what its used for not really expecting to get addicted but i realised i was addicted when i couldnt sleep when not taking it and the whole chills thingi kinda dug a hole for myself and telling my parents isnt really an option i like i was smart enough to pace myself so i can go without it without like the severe withdrawls i know people get so thats good at least but anyways

[justwhatever]

tell us more do you live with your family? has the drug affected your life?

[johnnny]

im living with my mom for the time being my older brother is in the army on his way to being a green beret were pretty close i think when he left it made things worse he got really mad when he found out i was taking methadone but he doesnt know how much im taking my dads disabled he was in a bike acsident im planning to enlist in army myself i wasnt going to go for another year or 2 but im gana try to finish the credits i missed in highschool as fast as possible so i can go maybe by summer i know i could kick it just not with a full time job its too hard working under that condition

[Junkie781]

johnny: of course my advice is to come clean with your parents, but I understand how you feel.

You have to stand up now and be stronger than this thing. I would advise that you start weening yourself down so that you can eventually withdraw with as little discomfort and medical danger as possible, if you are 100% sure that you can't find your way to come clean with your parents and seek professional assistance with a qualified doctor, that is

[johnnny]

not sure i want advice from someone whos name is junkie but ya thats a good idea oh to answer the other guys question has it affected my life hmmm well u know those really hot chicks ur like scard u wont last that long with like in bead well if ur ****d up on painkilers u last quite a long time so ya laugh at me all u want all my freinds r potheads and drunks theyre always tryin to get me to hook them up with painkillers hell half my freinds have me labled pillpopper on their cells im not really proud of that if i get off painkillers i know im gana trade it for an alchohol addiction i dont know whats worse at least i can function on pills i still alrdy have a problem with alchohol cuz i cant stpo drinking once i start ya im sure anyone who reads this thinks im hopeless and your probly right uhh im so screwed

[KizzieB]

no one on this forum is going to tell you you are f****d up.
but let me tell you this......
i never told my mum and dad cos they would dis-own me and they thought i was such a good girl..lol.. so blind...
but my dad died suddenly three months ago, we were very close but i still could not hurt him by telling him i was a total f*** up, but i was talking to my dads best friend at the funeral wake and he took me aside and told me all about my addiction, i was so shocked cos when i asked him how he knew he told me my dad had confided in him and he promised never to tell anyone as long as my dad lived, well i cried so much because of the though that every time we were together he probebly wanted me to confide in him and i didnt what does that say about our relationship? he loved me so much that he hoped i would one day ask him for help but my pride stopped me.... i wish i had said something.....

it was his death that turned my life around cos i could feel his eyes on me every time i filled my mouth with the pills and as i sat there getting high, i hated myself more and more so i went to his grave and told him everything and promised to stop,(i hope no one heard me cos i must of looked crazy) i had the courage to throw away 40 pills that day and i suffered for 6 or 7 days cold turkey cos i owed it to him to get the life he helped bring into the world in order again.
ok he is dead but some really crazy stuff happened recently that made me think he heard every word i said.

never underestimate your parents , they know more than you think.

hope you do find the strength to get through this and tell at least one of your parents, you may find that they could help...

please try.

Kizzie.b.

Everything happens for a reason.................

[lordy]

Wow, Kizzie. Your story brought tears to my eyes. I'm really sorry you lost your dad. But he is still with you, with you forever, and you are back on the right track. You're amazing.

Nicole

[lordy]

Johnny, you SHOULD want advice from soneone's whose username is "Junkie." Who else is going to give you relevant advice? Your grandmother? I'm very serious about this. You're an addict, and you're here to talk to and learn from *other* addicts.
Okay. Enough scolding. But I hear that you're in trouble, and coming to these boards for help. But you won't be able to get off pills and booze if you don't learn, somewhere along the way, to be a little more humble. This **** will bring you to your knees, if it hasn't already. I go to AA meetings (which I hated, for the longest time) and see these grown men whose lives have been thoroughly ****ed up by drugs and alcohol...yet they're at these meetings, they're THERE, and taking the good with the bad, and sitting through the God stuff, because....well because they don't have any other choice. They're in ruins. And they're there to heal.
My thinking is that, first and foremost, you have to want to quit: on a practical, if not yet emotional, level. You once lived w/o drugs and booze, and you can do it again. What you get in exchange-- what I'm beginning to struggle with today, Day 9 drug-free-- is an ordinary life. No lies, no expense, no cloudy thinking that will slow you down long-term. Just ordinary life.
Please post soon...I'm thinking about you. I do think you want to quit, and you can do it if you want to.

Nicole

[cluelessNJ]

I am in agreement with Nicole. You really need to want to do it because it will not be easy! I think I remember you saying you want to join one of the armed forces[?] THEY DO DRUG TEST! I must have been in a different frame of mind when I started coming and really using these forums because Junkie was one of the first people I had seen information from and if you look under the Painkiller section (like 70 some pages long) read that. If that doesn't inspire you then maybe you are not ready to end your addiction! We are all on this site for a reason and honestly johnny, I couldn't quit until I took a good look in the mirror and saw myself as a junkie!

June

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[Junkie781]

quote: not sure i want advice from someone whos name is junkie

LOL.... I know you meant no offence when you posted that. But I respectfully disagree with you, dude. Like Nicole wrote, I am someone you *absolutely* want to be talking to about this, as are many of the other people here, especially the ones who have been addicted to that drug you are currently addicted to. In 1983 I was scamming the Meth clinic for that stuff and it was a tough kick when I went to the joint to kick a 40 bag of heroin a day gorilla, never mind the 4 bisuits a day I was scamming from the clinic....sick, sick, sick like you see in movies...blood was coming out of every hole in my body....I hallucinated, I ****ped my pants, I puked on myself.....I puked some more....lying there, in my cell, for about a week....I couldn't even stand up. The jail was kind enough to give me Benedryl tablets (over the counter strength) to "help" me - you might as well have handed a teaspoon to someone and asked them to empty a freaking ocean with it.

So yeah, maybe you want to think about hearing me out because I have some pretty in-depth experience with detoxing from Methadone/Methadose....and you want to make damned certain that you cut your dose WAY, WAY down before going cold turkey or you could be risking your life. And that's no joke and no overly melodramatic internet message board drama ****. This is the real deal, dude.

Continuing to use is also risking your life. You're in a very, very dangerous place, but you did something really, really, really facking cool when you came here and reached out.

That took some SERIOUS mojo and I totally respect and admire that, and THAT, in itself, is one of the primary reasons that I truly believe in my gut that you can pull this off.

First things first, how you doing today? Have you begun cutting your dosage down? If so, how much are you cutting down, how quickly, what is your plan? Tell me what you're taking daily and I'll tell you what I would do to ween down then stop....you can take my advice or leave it, but just give me a chance to at least offer it. How much **** you slammin daily?

[johnnny]

im 19 180 lb if that helps so u know what i can handle or something im sure your familiar with the methadone tabs theyre the 40 mg ones break into 4 pieces like when i started id take a quarter and thats all i needed im up to 1 and a quarter now like theres been gaps where i couldnt get it and the withdrawls are like i get hot then cold chills runny nose cant sleep i feel restless over all i feel like **** i think thats not as bad as it could be i mean im not smart to have even started takin them but i think ive been a little smart not taking them consistantly everyday leaving like 1 or 2 day gaps as hard as it is i usually fill those gaps with lots and lots of alchohol i think if i had a good girl freind that might help me through it but apparently im a slut and i cant keep a gf for more than a month they either get too attatched and i get cold feet or i just get annoyed with them i think i went off topic sorry but OK so i really really wanna quit but i dont know if i can cut down just yet cuz i have so much going on right now my older brother is my role model were pretty much the defention of brothers i know hed let me come live with him on base if i asked just to get me away from the drugs im too scared to let him know though i look up to him more than me dad i even respect him more hes alwaays taken care of me i wouldnt have the good qualities i have now if it wasnt for him

[johnnny]

k i really hope u guys dont track me down i really shouldnmt be telling u this but uhh k my dad was a heroine addict when he was younger he almost died from an od he got saved became a christian but i guess it never left him because when iw as growing up in the church my parents always fought because my dad was taking painpills he would go to pharmacies and find stuff in the back they threw away and my dad was a respectable guy he went all over europe as a missionary he did so much but he just had this problem i even remember when i was like 4 years old maybe younger sittin in the car watchin him get stuff outa the dumpster drinkin out of a cap i even remember trying to imitate him with a soda cap and a glass of soda but as young as i was i remember noticing a difrence in him when he was on drugs and i hated it but finally my mom left him when i was a freshman in hihghschool around that time i was more of a pothead i didnt even care about pills but he got into a car acsident and he had third degree burns so he got strong pain meds like oxycotn morphine dioloted and hed let me have one or two once in a long while i didnt even care much for it but i guess over time i started stealing them but my dad got worse and worse and i lost all respect for him hes still a good guy he i love him so much but he upgraded to methadone (sorry im typing too much) i guess what im tryin to say is hes like my main scource for pills he gets it on such a large scale i can get as many as i want but also one time he lost 2 bottles of methadone with like 100 40 mg tabs in each bottle he thought some1 stole them so he got more from the doctor and one day i found them and i didnt tell him i think thats when i ceiled my addiction im really sorry for my bad grammer and for typing so much i probly could have gone on but i dont want u to have to read like 10 pages

[gettinolder]

hello there
believe me i know where you are comming from...what i dont understand is why they give you something else to get off the narcotics when the detox drug suboxone is just as adictive as the drug that got you into rehab in the first place and now you have to deal with that whole bunch of ****. you think your life is getting better and you try to put your life back together by finally getting the help and the detox and you are still in the same boat only this one seems to be sinking........any help please????


summer

quote:Originally posted by johnnny

k im not really about doing something like spilling my guts to some people idont know but since i was like little ive been around pills like vicodin morphine dorvocet and i thought nothing of it but gradually through highschool i started taking them more and more and too make a long story short ive come across an unlimited supply of methadone and i started taking that knowing what it is and what its used for not really expecting to get addicted but i realised i was addicted when i couldnt sleep when not taking it and the whole chills thingi kinda dug a hole for myself and telling my parents isnt really an option i like i was smart enough to pace myself so i can go without it without like the severe withdrawls i know people get so thats good at least but anyways

thanks a bunch

Summer

[lordy]

Hi Johnny, you dodn't type too much, or tell us too much. This is an anonymous board, after all-- at least that's how I think of it.
I don't think I'll ever forget that story of your dad digging in dumpsters....that's really tragic. I'm sorry. You might want to pick up a book by Augusten Burroughs, called "Running with Scissors." Also James Frey's, "A Million Little Pieces." They're really, really powerful books, and they made me feel a whole lot less alone, when I read them.
Where is your mom in all this?
You're only 19. You don't want to live the rest of your life this way, do you? If not, it seems to me that the best you can do is put DISTANCE brtween yourself and the pill-popping environment. I'm sure your bro would like nothing better then to see you get clean. But it does seem to me like you need a safe environment to do that. I can't even ****ing imagine how I'd cope, if there were pills all over my house. There's a particular friend whose house I can't even go to right now, because I know she has pills all over the place-- I guess what I'm saying is, if you want to get clean, you need to take real strides to protect yourself-- enter rehab, hit AA or NA meetings (at least try one), or get out of the environment you're in. Addiction is ever so powerful, and you will need all the help you can get. What do you think?
Thanks for posting here. It's brave of you-- it just is. I'm thinking about you.

Nicole

[gettinolder]

hey johnny
well let me tell you that you are not alone ...here my story i had been on painkillers for over 20 some odd years and most of the time didnt care where they came from. i felt like a very bad person as i would go to peoples houses to visit and the first thing i would do is look in thier medicine cabinets to see if they had anything i could take....thats when you know things are real bad....my husband starting monitoring my meds for me where he would give them to me throughout the day and he made sure that i would get no more than 7 a day but it got to be where i would find out every time where he was hiding them and i would take a little more each day until he flipped out on me only 3 weeks ago and with tears in his eyes said to me he did not want to wake up next to me and find me dead in the morning so its the drugs or him and i what i thought was bad is that i really considered the drugs instead!!! holy **** i thought i have hit rock bottom, so i now finally realized i seriously needed help and i agreed to let him take me to get some. im now for the past three weeks on suboxone which i think is great but like my topic on here about the wonder drug says now i have to worry about comming off the suboxone soon and im just as afraid......sigh so now im looking into a support group to help me and get a sponsor and the help from all the great people from this board hopefully will help me as well. These are a great bunch of people and read thier posts alot of it will put you in a whole different place and you WILL learn alot......id be glad to listen dont ever think your babbling.....

good luck
summer
hope to hear back from you

quote:Originally posted by johnnny

k i really hope u guys dont track me down i really shouldnmt be telling u this but uhh k my dad was a heroine addict when he was younger he almost died from an od he got saved became a christian but i guess it never left him because when iw as growing up in the church my parents always fought because my dad was taking painpills he would go to pharmacies and find stuff in the back they threw away and my dad was a respectable guy he went all over europe as a missionary he did so much but he just had this problem i even remember when i was like 4 years old maybe younger sittin in the car watchin him get stuff outa the dumpster drinkin out of a cap i even remember trying to imitate him with a soda cap and a glass of soda but as young as i was i remember noticing a difrence in him when he was on drugs and i hated it but finally my mom left him when i was a freshman in hihghschool around that time i was more of a pothead i didnt even care about pills but he got into a car acsident and he had third degree burns so he got strong pain meds like oxycotn morphine dioloted and hed let me have one or two once in a long while i didnt even care much for it but i guess over time i started stealing them but my dad got worse and worse and i lost all respect for him hes still a good guy he i love him so much but he upgraded to methadone (sorry im typing too much) i guess what im tryin to say is hes like my main scource for pills he gets it on such a large scale i can get as many as i want but also one time he lost 2 bottles of methadone with like 100 40 mg tabs in each bottle he thought some1 stole them so he got more from the doctor and one day i found them and i didnt tell him i think thats when i ceiled my addiction im really sorry for my bad grammer and for typing so much i probly could have gone on but i dont want u to have to read like 10 pages

thanks a bunch

Summer

[Junkie781]

johnny - start cutting down your dose a little each day....do it over a two or three week period until you have yourself back down to a quarter bicuit each day for a few days, try to get to that amount and be NOT crawling out of your skin. Depending on how long you've been using, and judging from what you said you're using daily and your body weight, I think if you get down to a quarter bisuit a day, for at least a few days, then go cold turkey, you'll be fine within a week to 10 days, the worst of it most likely coming during days 2 and 3......but I'm talking strictly PHYSICAL symtoms of withdrawal. There are other issues here that you should definitely talk to a professional about (in my humble opinion)... Hey, it's private, and it's someone who can help you get everything off your chest and maybe move on in your life after this.....

You should also check out an NA meeting! What do you have to lose? Check it out man, it works for a lot of people and no one there is going to judge you, just like no one here is judging you, because we're no different than you, just some of us have a little more experience than you....

Anyway, hang in there. If you want to do this, I'll do it with you, right here...I'll give you a committment right here and now that I'll come to this thread every night and see how you're doing and we'll keep discussing it here until you take your life back for one day.

C'mon dude, you can, and should do this now, you reached out here so it's pretty obvious to me that you WANT to stop, so you have a plan now. How you doing today? You OK?

[lordy]

Hi Johnny, just thinking about you and hoping you're okay.

Nicole

[Junkie781]

Johnny - hope you're doing ok, my friend. Check in and let us know what's happening. [8D]

B

[johnnny]

hey im okay i just dont know what im doing on here i guess i just need to get some stuff of my chest i cant really talk to anyone else i really want to quit i just dont know if i have it in me to do it when i have constant access to drugs and another thing my dads not a bad person i love him so much he just had a rough life he did so much good stuff for the church we went to and my mom im living with her right now i dont really talk to her i cant she drives me crazy she doesnt mean to be but shes really naggy and its hard to explain things to her
im not sure what i should be saying butyeah i do want to quit i dont know if i said this already but im joining the army and i know once i get in i cant cope with not having any drugs i just need to last until my enlistment that brings me to another problem because my dad could die anyday he has a bad heart and i know once i leave that will be it ill only see him like once a year and he may not have many years left i saw what it did to my mom when my brother left and i just feel tied down because my sisters dont do anything i feel like im the only one taking care of my parents but i cant let that keep me from going on with my life my brothers on his way to being a green beret he had a weed problem he knockd that i think my problems a little more severe though i ditched alot in highschool and i got kickd out for atruceny so i have 180 credits to make up the recruiter said i could make those up in as little as a month if i worked hard so i dont know ive been really stressed lately

[johnnny]

oh ya im really getting scared because im noticing its harder and harder to go a day without pills i make up excuses in my head why i should take them i never thought it would get this bad ir eally have to get out of here i know its going to hurt my mom me leaving sooner than i said i was going to but if she knew the situation she would understand i cant tell anyone until im free of this **** i want to tell them but i just cant its complicated i know the army will do alot for me i dont want to join as a last resort i want to join because its almost a calling if that makes sense i cant explain why i want to go very few people probly understand but im never going to get there if i dont work this out

[cluelessNJ]

To get in the army you need to pass a pee test! Johnny, the thoughts in your head is your addiction! Its evil, cunning and manipulative[}]! Think about yourself, be shelfish. What do you want in life! Do you want to be clean! Its a mental game! You can be stronger than your addiction! I promise I went thru the withdrawl and now the hardest part is over. Now its my mind that I now control because I am clean. Its very freeing to be able to say I have been clean for almost 2 weeks! I wish you the best of luck and I'll be thinking about you today!

Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[Junkie781]

johnny - the pills are not doing you any good, dude. But you know that already or you wouldn't be here.

Now, have you started cutting down your dose yet? This is how you've gotta do it if you want to quit. I know you wrote that you have constant access to the pills.....is there any way you can move to a different place to live? Or what about telling your father that you are using? Is that completely out of the question?

The only way you're really going to pull this off is to stop taking pills and get away from the people in your life who are using, or are supplying you with, pills. That may sound like a tall order, but I really think you need to consider it...

So, first things first dude, tell me your plan to cut down your dose....I recommend a 2 week period of cutting down a little each day......you need to get down to a quarter of what you're taking now, then quitting won't be anywhere near as hard...

So, talk to me....wazzzuuuupppp??