[me717]

Hello, I have been lurking around here for a few weeks. I am addicted to opiates, with my favorite drugs being hydrocodone (10's) & oxycodone (7.5's). I can take between 10 - 15 pills a day when I have them and have been doing so for about 2 years. I am 31 and a mother of 2 beautiful children. The only person who knows of my addiction is my husband and he really is of no support. He actually helps add to my problem because he gives me his pills for his chronic pain. I decided to join and post today because I need real support and advice. I know I need to stop and I have tried cold turkey several times over the last few months but the wd's are so hard that I usually end up caving...After reading posts, I decided to go to a clinic here to see if anyone could help me. I met with a therapist for an intake evaluation and I walked away a bit disappointed and felt worse. I had done research on Suboxone, even had them mail me some of the literature on it and the web site said this clinic was suppose to be trained in dispensing it (that is why I chose them in the first place). I need an outpatient program because I am a mother of 2, with one of my children being disabled, work full-time in a very unsupportive environment and I have a husband that is more like a child than an adult. I thought I had explained this to the therapist pretty clearly but she said the only way they could begin to treat me is by me checking into the "Recovery House" for two weeks and then doing intensive outpatient care 3x a week for three or more months. She also went on to tell me that I would have to quit taking my antidepressants (Cymbalta) while i detox because wd can mimic everything and I might not even be depressed. Now I have been on antidepressants since I was 19...I have tried to stop taking them several times but my world falls apart...I know that I am just one of those people that have to be on them or I will kill myself so her telling me that scares the stuffing out of me. She also said that they don't prescribe meds for addiction. I know that breaking this addiction is going to be FAR from easy and uncomfortable but what this lady told me made me feel uneasy and a little worthless...I was proud that I had put myself out there, on my own, and tried to take steps to get clean. So I guess why I even wanted to post is to ask: Can I look around to see what other programs are in my town or is this pretty typical? I don't even know how to bring this up with my family doctor. I guess I just need some feedback and advice.

[greenday]

That is totally BS that you got from the lady at the clinic. Suboxone was designed to be an outpatient option (from what I have been told by friends who have done it- I am NO expert). I called once when i thought about getting on sub and it was simply a matter of making an appointment, getting an evaluation (they took one over the phone to start), getting the first dose while at the dr, then being sent home with a one month supply for a re-check in 30 days. I think you should try another dr who can perscribe. Don't let this stupid lady de-rail your plans.

I decided not to do suboxone because by the time I could get in to see the sub dr. I was already well over withdrawal and figured I would only do worse by getting myself hooked on another drug. Had I found out about sub earlier, I would have DEFINETLY gone that route. Don't give up. You are on the right track here.

Of course, I have no idea about your specific addiction, but in general it sounds like the clinic just wants to make the big bucks off a two week in house treatment...

[Robert_325]

Hi me ... what a crock!!! Greenday is absolutely correct. I have been on Subutex (same as Suboxone) and you sound like a perfect candidate for this therapy. There are some ins and outs to taking it properly so you don't get addicted to it and have to take it a long time, but the first thing is to get you to a dr who will commend you for your desire to get clean. Some drs really make me upset.

Did you go to www.suboxone.com ??? They have a list of all accredited drs in or close to your zip code location. I can walk you through starting and stopping suboxone and you will be clean and free of opiates in less than a couple months with no W/D problems whatsoever.

I congratulate you on your desire to clean up. You just went to the wrong dr. Post back and tell me if you went to the web site I listed for a list of drs. We need to find you another doc!!!

OH YES... I would not even consider stopping the anti-depressants cold. It isn't necessary to do that to use Suboxone. Stopping those meds cold could be very dangerous for you. You just ran into an idiot.

[me717]

Thank you Greenday and Robert_325...I just felt really uncomfortable there and my gut told me something wasn't right.

I did indeed go to Suboxone website and researched it and the clinic I went to is actually has two dr. registered to dispense it but they won't. Her explanation was along the lines of it is trading one addiction for another. I am trying to find the courage to talk to my family dr. because I am really not sure who else here to go to. Right now I am hoping posting on here will help me because people seems so supportive and that is what I really need...support.

[Robert_325]

Originally Posted by me717

Thank you Greenday and Robert_325...I just felt really uncomfortable there and my gut told me something wasn't right.

I did indeed go to Suboxone website and researched it and the clinic I went to is actually has two dr. registered to dispense it but they won't. Her explanation was along the lines of it is trading one addiction for another. I am trying to find the courage to talk to my family dr. because I am really not sure who else here to go to. Right now I am hoping posting on here will help me because people seems so supportive and that is what I really need...support.

I obviously don't know where you live but did you check the surrounding area or towns? I know for me I live in a city and I drove about 30 miles for my doctor. Notice I said "drove". I used Subutex and stopped opiates entirely and am also off Subutex now. I was taking HUGE amounts of Oxycodone, then cut back to 40 Lorcets a day. I really believe you are on the right track, but unless your dr is an addiction specialist, he/she may not look as favorably at Suboxone as a dr who deals with this day in and day out. You know your dr, but if your dr is not certified to dispense Suboxone then you won't be able to get it there. Drs have to be certified for Suboxone to write a prescription.

[me717]

It is great to find people on here that let me know that becoming clean can be done and you will survive it. Congratulations and Great Job making it through to the other side!!!

Yes, I am thinking I need to probably go back to the Suboxone website again and do a modified search. There was only 3 listed for my town, the two at the clinic I visited and then an OB/GYN. I didn't know if my dr. could do something else for me or refer me to someone else but that is probably why I am a little hesitant to visit her because she will probably refer me back to this clinic I went to. So very frustrating...I do appreciate your help though. I thought, dang if this is the way people are treated when they ask for help no wonder a large percentage stay on drugs!

[Robert_325]

Originally Posted by me717

Yes, I am thinking I need to probably go back to the Suboxone website again and do a modified search. There was only 3 listed for my town, the two at the clinic I visited and then an OB/GYN. I didn't know if my dr. could do something else for me or refer me to someone else but that is probably why I am a little hesitant to visit her because she will probably refer me back to this clinic I went to. So very frustrating...I do appreciate your help though. I thought, dang if this is the way people are treated when they ask for help no wonder a large percentage stay on drugs!

On an off topic thing...I was trying to add this thread to my subscription box so that I can see when people post but I can't seem to find the button.

I agree with you. Your experience would almost make a person wonder why bother. But you are doing the right thing. I promise you, starting on Suboxone the right way is so important. When you find a dr, don't let them talk you into taking it a long time. We can deal with that when you get squared away. For now, just do the modified search of nearby towns and find the right dr.

To get a subscription, go to the box where you make a post and you sign on for subscriptions right under the new post. Then it will go to your email every time a post is made on your thread.

[greenday]

Not sure what your medical condition is at this time, and I am hesitant to even suggest this, but quitting on your own is possible. There are tons of people who have done it (and tons who cannot do it). I just don't want you to give up just because you ran into one witch at the sub dr. IF and I mean IF you decide to try it alone, this forum is a WONDERFUL sourse of support and helpful information.

That being said, if I had to do it over again, I would go the sub route -only with my eyes WIDE open. I went cold turkey and while I don't suggest it as the easiest route, at least I didn't have to worry about getting of the suboxone when the time came. That's why I suggest you do a lot of reading on this forum about people who have gotten on suboxone and not realized it's addictive qualities. IT IS A GREAT DRUG IF USED PROPERLY. Just don't stay on it too long and make sure your dr knows you want to use it for withdrawal only. (unless you have a pain management issue which is another whole discussion).

Robert can tell you more about sub than I can.

[Robert_325]

Originally Posted by greenday

Not sure what your medical condition is at this time, and I am hesitant to even suggest this, but quitting on your own is possible. There are tons of people who have done it (and tons who cannot do it). I just don't want you to give up just because you ran into one witch at the sub dr. IF and I mean IF you decide to try it alone, this forum is a WONDERFUL sourse of support and helpful information.

That being said, if I had to do it over again, I would go the sub route -only with my eyes WIDE open. I went cold turkey and while I don't suggest it as the easiest route, at least I didn't have to worry about getting of the suboxone when the time came. That's why I suggest you do a lot of reading on this forum about people who have gotten on suboxone and not realized it's addictive qualities. IT IS A GREAT DRUG IF USED PROPERLY. Just don't stay on it too long and make sure your dr knows you want to use it for withdrawal only. (unless you have a pain management issue which is another whole discussion).

Robert can tell you more about sub than I can.

Greenday,
You shouldn't be hesitant about mentioning doing it the old way. There is a lot to be said for just stopping cold turkey and getting it over with. Once a person gets a couple weeks under their belt the worst of it is over and that's it. I almost made the same suggestion. Only reason I didn't was that ME was talking about wanting to do the Suboxone route. And knowing that I could give her some suggestions right from the start as to how to do it the right way it seemed okay considering the apparent lack of support she may have. You know how important support is especially when you are sweating through every day. If you look at very many of my posts to those who are just starting recovery, I usually suggest what you just did, to just stop cold and finish it quickly. If she is unsuccessful finding a good Suboxone dr, that would still be my advise too ... There is a lot to be said for stopping cold.

[greenday]

Robert, totally agree! I wouldn't wish withdrawal on my worst enemy, and as I said if I had to do it again I would definetly go the sub route, but only for the shortest time (thanks to posts like yours and the other guys who were trying to get off). Support is so critical. I had to go it alone. I guess that's why I cling to this support group so much. My hubbie cared as much as he could, but he works like 14-16 hours 7 days a week. Not around much and when he is he is on the phone for work so... not much time for a whining wife-LOL.

I think anyone who does sub should have the advantage of knowing exactly how to use it to the optimum benefit.

[me717]

I want to thank you, Robert325 & Greenday, for your advice. I am up to 24 hrs off right now. I had to drag my sorry self into work and later today I have an interview for a position that could up my income to about $9,000 more than I make now. It is so very important and I am praying that I can pull myself together enough to ace this! So anyone out there reading this, please send me positive energy today so that I might make it through.

As far as Suboxone goes, I had considered it but right now I am starting detox (i.e. cold turkey method) and don't really have time to go in search of a new clinic after the first one was a flop. I work in a very unsupportive work environment in which I can't even call in sick unless I have a doctor's statement. I feel so ashamed and like I am the weakest person ever! I come to this board looking for people like myself that are in the same boat and don't pass judgment. My husband knows of my problem and I finally just begged him to step up and take over my responsibilities until I can get through the worst of the detox...but he tells me (after I have poured my heart and soul out) that he doesn't know if he can! So frustrating because I KNOW I have to get clean! I am so glad I found this board and I hope through this it can be the support I need to keep going.

[greenday]

We are here for you! You must stay focused on the things that you HAVE to do and drop all the things that can wait. At least for now. Job interview- OMG! I think you will see just how strong you can be. Pull it together for that hour interview, main focus for you right now...then go home and crash if you need to LOL. That is a BIG raise in my book so get you head on straight and take care of that. If you husband isn't being as supportive as you would like then you are going to have to hang onto us at the forum. WE have been there, done it. WE know the pain and suffering you are going through so post post post. Just think, if you can get through the next few days you will have this licked, never to have to face this hell again. We are all here for you, lean on us...

[greenday]

And PS...You are NOT a weak person. A weak person would not even think of doing what you are doing right now. YOU ARE STRONG!!!!! (And if not, we will make you strong-LOL)

[Robert_325]

Hi ME,

You can do this! It's obvious that you really want it or you wouldn't stick your neck out like you have. You are doing what is best for YOU. If we don't take positive action we will continue to get the same old results. You're on your way now. Like Greenday said, we are here for you with support. Just stay in touch and let us know what is happening. You can't post too much ... the more the better.

I always suggest at a time like this that you remember all you have to do is ask and God will be there for you to hold you up when you can't do it yourself. Just be humble and sincere. He will never turn His back on you. He says, " Ask and you shall receive." That is as simple as it gets. When you are tossing and turning in bed during detox, and you are sick to your stomach like you will undoubtedly be, you can go to a quiet place in your house where you are alone and Christ will be there with you to comfort you and make your pain tolerable.

Remember too that you can do some things yourself that will help. Take walks, or exercise some and it helps to produce natural endorphins which will help you feel better. When you are rushing to the bathroom take some Immodium as needed. It has an opiate in it that will make you feel better. Obviously don't take it unless you need it ... and the opiate in it will not hurt your recovery any. Drink Gatorade as it will help with keeping you hydrated. It has lots of electrolytes. You can take lots of vitamin C too. It also helps. If you are having restless legs in bed, you can take hot baths. They will give you some temporary relief anyway.

Remember to post what is happening and we can give you suggestions for what is going on at that time. I really respect you for deciding to do this yourself. You are a strong person. With that kind of attitude you will be successful. Just remember that it gets better every day once you get past the first 4-5 days. You will start noticing each day that you are feeling better. Good luck and God bless.

[me717]

Robert and Greenday, thank you so much for your offers of support...I am taking you both up on that I will definitely come here often. I subscribed to two threads already so that I know if someone has checked back with me.

I made it through the interview. I sought out questions ahead of time and reviewed what I had to offer so I can say I was prepared. They only have 2 more interviews tomorrow and said that they would love to make their offer to someone by Friday or Monday so at least I don't have to wait too long for a response. I gave it all the energy I had left I think...I felt like I crawled back to my office and I am now sitting here like a lump. We are having bad thunderstorms in my area today though and the boss lady came by and said that if we wanted to leave early we could...I just might take her up on that offer. I feel like I could sleep forever at this point and my stomach is starting to do its thing.

[greenday]

Hey, take her up on it. What a coincidence, huh??? Go home and rest.

PROUD OF YOU!! You made it through the interview! Everything will be OK in a few days.

[Robert_325]

Originally Posted by me717

Robert and Greenday, thank you so much for your offers of support...I am taking you both up on that I will definitely come here often. I subscribed to two threads already so that I know if someone has checked back with me.

I made it through the interview. I sought out questions ahead of time and reviewed what I had to offer so I can say I was prepared. They only have 2 more interviews tomorrow and said that they would love to make their offer to someone by Friday or Monday so at least I don't have to wait too long for a response. I gave it all the energy I had left I think...I felt like I crawled back to my office and I am now sitting here like a lump. We are having bad thunderstorms in my area today though and the boss lady came by and said that if we wanted to leave early we could...I just might take her up on that offer. I feel like I could sleep forever at this point and my stomach is starting to do its thing.

Proud of you. You obviously want to get clean as you are jumping out there and going for it. Glad you made it through the interview successfully and then got a reward of going home early and resting. Take advantage of all the time to rest that you can. There will be days coming up that you want to rest and are not able to from W/Ds. We are online every day here. Please remember that you can post anytime and you will get a response soon. This forum will help you a lot. You can read lots of posts where people are saying how the forum got them through their detox. Don't be too proud to ask for help. I hope you get the job you want. Good luck.

[me717]

So here I am at day 2 and it has actually started out pretty badly...my husband was in a grouchy mood and decided to yell at me. It started out with me just asking him to take me to work because I feel so yucky but he didn't want to because he was sleepy I guess I pushed a little hard and one thing led to another and we were in a full blown yelling match (enough to scare our son & daughter into crying) ending with my husband telling me how awful and selfish I am because I took his pills and how I always put my needs ahead of his. There goes my support system...kinda like the London Bridge song...or at least that is what I remember thinking when the fight endedI feel so empty and alone right now. I am sitting here at work trying not to totally break down...I hope someone gets on here soon so I can talk through this.

[Robert_325]

Originally Posted by me717

So here I am at day 2 and it has actually started out pretty badly...my husband was in a grouchy mood and decided to yell at me. It started out with me just asking him to take me to work because I feel so yucky but he didn't want to because he was sleepy I guess I pushed a little hard and one thing led to another and we were in a full blown yelling match (enough to scare our son & daughter into crying) ending with my husband telling me how awful and selfish I am because I took his pills and how I always put my needs ahead of his. There goes my support system...kinda like the London Bridge song...or at least that is what I remember thinking when the fight endedI feel so empty and alone right now. I am sitting here at work trying not to totally break down...I hope someone gets on here soon so I can talk through this.

Remember that you are doing this for you and for your children. I don't know your husband but don't allow ANYONE to upset your "cleaning up". All too often people just want to blame us for everything even when we clean up. Guess we are easy targets as we already feel badly for things we have done. You know you have support here for what that is worth. I know it would be nice to have some at home too. But things will get lots better for you when this is over. You will be proud of yourself and be better able to deal with all of life's problems. Talk to us. We are here.

[me717]

Yeah, I didn't retaliate when he was saying those things because I have apologized as much as I can and I kind of figure if he hasn't forgave me yet and wants to yell at me when I am in the middle of hell there isn't much to really say to him. It just hurts...and I really at this point just have to live through the hurt. Day by day it will get better...at this point I am just am looking at hour by hour

[Robert_325]

In 12 Step programs they use the saying .. one day at a time. In reality, in the beginning of the cleaning up process, it can often be a minute at a time, then an hour at a time, then a day at a time and so on. Often we have created such turmoil in our own lives and other people's lives too that it takes a while for things to straighten out. I know in my case I told my loved ones that I was sorry so many times that they just didn't believe me anymore. When I began cleaning up I thought everyone should get off my case and be happy. But no one believed I would be successful in stopping and they continued to harrass me. It just took some time for people to see by my actions that I had changed and was in fact doing the next right thing.

As you continue to heal and make the right choices I bet that things start to improve drastically in all parts of your life. It's just the way it seems to work for all of us. Just continue to do what you know is right, try to focus on what is helping you stay clean and ignore the snide remarks as much as you can. You will begin to start surprising people with your progress and it will get lots better. It always does. Just remember that your worst day clean is better than your best day high.

[greenday]

Mu husband also had a hard time not holding my addiction against me. It tended to come out when he was having a bad day, like you said I was an easy target. There is not much you can say back as you are already vulnerable. He always seemed to get angry at my worst breaking point. I felt so alone, like no one understood how hard it was for me to walk across the room, much less fight a good fight with him. I did a lot of soul searching during those days, only to come to the conclusion I had put myself in this position. I eventually got the attitude that I was having payback for all those "good time" and just swallow hard and keep going.

I remember one day (like around day 7) I just cried for no reason all day long. I could honestly say I wasn't really in withdrawal that bad. I just felt like crying and I DID. AFter that day, I didn't seem so upset anymore. But I am telling you, I cried ALL DAY. Then we had a company Christmas party that I absolutely HAD to go to. My face was so swollen from crying that I looked like hell. Again, payback...lol

I don't think anyone can understand what you are going through except people who have been there, so it's not that your husband is trying to be mean to you. I think men only have a brief period of sympathy and then it's gone (oh boy, I am going to get bashed for saying that-lol). They want things to get back to normal after a day or two. Withdrawal doesn't happed that quickly. It's not your fault. Just the process we have to go through. You didn't make the rules.

Just know you have gone this far and there is no turning back. You are going to make it.

[Robert_325]

You don't really want to open up the door to gender slams do you???LOL

[me717]

I really don't blame my husband...even though it was dirty fighting. He is so use to having superwoman for a wife that this is hard for him no doubt. You are all right...I just need to do the minute, hour, day thing and focus on just getting through the wds first and then take on whatever step comes afterward.

I do have a question about Imodium AD...my husband picked up the generic brand is it really the same thing?

[greenday]

I KNEW you were going to slam me for that! LOL OK, I will revise the statement...SOME men only have a brief period of sympathy-lol

I am sure you, Robert, are not one of those men I am talking about...no doubt about it-lol

[greenday]

I am sure it's the same, but if it were me, I would run to the store and get the real Immodium just to make me feel better-lol. Geez, why take the chance. Some people have written on this forum about taking double doses of immodium to help with w/d. Something about it having an opiate-like base to it and it minimizes the withdrawals. I didn't read that in time so I didn't try it.

[Robert_325]

greenday ... thank you. I hate being thrown into a "category". Ask any one of my ex-wives. They will tell you how understanding and cool tempered I am. LOL

ME ... there is only one way to tell about the Immodium generic. Try it. If it works it will be obvious. I never took the generic. I always figured that as bad as I felt I wanted the real thing. But lots of "no name brand" products are good. I would try it and see.

[me717]

Yeah, my stomach has just had the rumblies but nothing really has happened yet, if you know what I mean...so I haven't taken anything.

I decided to post on another site called "Opiate Detox Recovery" site too...more help the better right? Wrong, some of the people aren't very good at easing into things. I think I will just post here for right now. I have found two wonderful people here that make me feel better and are giving me support. I don't think I am ready to put myself too far out there...too fast. I guess I got a little over excited.

[Robert_325]

Originally Posted by me717

Yeah, my stomach has just had the rumblies but nothing really has happened yet, if you know what I mean...so I haven't taken anything.

I decided to post on another site called "Opiate Detox Recovery" site too...more help the better right? Wrong, some of the people aren't very good at easing into things. I think I will just post here for right now. I have found two wonderful people here that make me feel better and are giving me support. I don't think I am ready to put myself too far out there...too fast. I guess I got a little over excited.

You know as addicts it seems we almost set out purposely to destroy ourselves. We are obsessed with most everything we do. Not surprisingly addicts are usually very productive when they clean up because of our obsessive behavior traits. We use them in everything ... getting high, cleaning house, working and also getting clean. We want it right now ... it's called instant gratification. So it makes sense that we would search out as many outlets as possible, like multiple forums. If one works, two will be better. Kind of our attitude towards drugs too. If the script says take two, then we always take at least four!!! or eight! LOL

Just take your time and concentrate on you. Try to do something to make yourself feel a little better if possible. Don't rush this thing. You are making good progress and will be feeling better soon. You are doing great.

[me717]

Thanks Robert...your advice is too true.