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My Ugly Story
  1. #1
    KMH120 is offline Junior Member
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    Default My Ugly Story

    Hello everyone,
    I’m a 27 year old mother of two wonderful children and a great husband. I ran across this forum tonight hoping to find some relief for the hell I am about to go through. About a year ago I was offered my first pain pill, a perk 30. I was having some emotional issues at the time and as I watched my friend bust the pill I could only think of how this “could” help me feel better and WOW did it ever. I felt like I was on top of the world and no one could touch me. The first one was indescribable but everyone after that just lead to a living hell. After a while of abuse the pills didn’t work anymore I didn’t feel good, I didn’t do the things I did with my children anymore, my once perfectly clean house became a mess, and I completely shut my husband out. I was irritable, unhappy, and beginning to become a very bad person. I didn’t want to do anything but lay in the bed and feel sorry for myself. All the while no one knew what was going on, it was my dirty little secret and I was doing everything I could to keep it hid. I was lying to my husband about where our money was going, I was on the road every day just trying to find my next pill, and I let my life turn upside down before I could even admit that I had a problem. About 2 weeks ago my husband finally found out the truth, from my dealer if u believe that! Anyway he freaked out at first but now he’s being great in trying to help me quit. I have tried twice before with no success after the 2nd day. That’s why I decided to get on the net and see what I could find. Right now my thing is morphine, I have been taking around 160 mgs a day for the last few months sometimes more. I was trying to taper myself down but I am not strong enough for that. As of right now I have tried to do 30 milligrams for the past 4 days but most days a little more. Even with 30 mg the withdraws are horrible. As everyone on here has said all over body pain, sweating then freezing, diarrhea, shaking, nausea, and muscle cramps just to name a few. The mental part is very hard to overcome if not impossible for me. I have felt so alone, like no one could possibly know what I am going through, but then I found you guys! I have 60 mgs of morphine left and I made a promise that this would be my last. If I can stay with 30 that will do me till Friday then my world is going to come crashing down on me. I hope somehow I can find strength to get through this and do what I have to do, I am tired of all the lies, being broke because I need my fix, and most importantly not being the best mother I could be. For everyone that’s going through what I am going through, you are not alone like I felt I was and I wish everyone that’s trying to detox and everyone that already has but is still struggling with the mental part the best of luck.
    Thanks

  2. #2
    Businessman1 is offline Member
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    I'm no expert on this but I plan to start tapering off Oxycodone next week and from the advice I've been given on here, it sounds like your taper is way to aggressive.

    Going from 160mg to 30mg so quickly is almost like going cold turkey.

    From what I have read, people drop slowly. For example, going from 160mg/day to 150mg/day then dropping 10mg from your daily dose each week until you are down to nothing.

    It sounds like you are putting yourself through hell...

    Good luck with getting off the morphine.

  3. #3
    Robert_325 is offline Retired
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    Default Kmh120

    Just so you know when I stopped I was taking thirty 30mg oxy per day plus 30 or more 10/650 lorcets, plus tons of xanax, klonopin, 20-25 soma and other assorted garbage. I only say this so you'll know this is not an impossible task. You came to the right place.

    I suggest that you check out the following link for the Thomas Recipe. This has been used by LOTS of people here for cold turkey detox off RX opiates and it works. You need to follow exactly what it says, but read it and ask any questions that may come up.

    Keep posting as you get started. You've got plenty of time to get all the required ingredients for the Thomas Recipe. Let us know when you begin. Hope this helps. Good luck and God bless.
    Last edited by ddcmod; 01-12-2010 at 01:34 PM.
    I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by KMH120 View Post
    Hello everyone,
    I’m a 27 year old mother of two wonderful children and a great husband. I ran across this forum tonight hoping to find some relief for the hell I am about to go through. About a year ago I was offered my first pain pill, a perk 30. I was having some emotional issues at the time and as I watched my friend bust the pill I could only think of how this “could” help me feel better and WOW did it ever. I felt like I was on top of the world and no one could touch me. The first one was indescribable but everyone after that just lead to a living hell. After a while of abuse the pills didn’t work anymore I didn’t feel good, I didn’t do the things I did with my children anymore, my once perfectly clean house became a mess, and I completely shut my husband out. I was irritable, unhappy, and beginning to become a very bad person. I didn’t want to do anything but lay in the bed and feel sorry for myself. All the while no one knew what was going on, it was my dirty little secret and I was doing everything I could to keep it hid. I was lying to my husband about where our money was going, I was on the road every day just trying to find my next pill, and I let my life turn upside down before I could even admit that I had a problem. About 2 weeks ago my husband finally found out the truth, from my dealer if u believe that! Anyway he freaked out at first but now he’s being great in trying to help me quit. I have tried twice before with no success after the 2nd day. That’s why I decided to get on the net and see what I could find. Right now my thing is morphine, I have been taking around 160 mgs a day for the last few months sometimes more. I was trying to taper myself down but I am not strong enough for that. As of right now I have tried to do 30 milligrams for the past 4 days but most days a little more. Even with 30 mg the withdraws are horrible. As everyone on here has said all over body pain, sweating then freezing, diarrhea, shaking, nausea, and muscle cramps just to name a few. The mental part is very hard to overcome if not impossible for me. I have felt so alone, like no one could possibly know what I am going through, but then I found you guys! I have 60 mgs of morphine left and I made a promise that this would be my last. If I can stay with 30 that will do me till Friday then my world is going to come crashing down on me. I hope somehow I can find strength to get through this and do what I have to do, I am tired of all the lies, being broke because I need my fix, and most importantly not being the best mother I could be. For everyone that’s going through what I am going through, you are not alone like I felt I was and I wish everyone that’s trying to detox and everyone that already has but is still struggling with the mental part the best of luck.
    Thanks

    Hi kmh 120

    I was addicted to oxycontin perc's and vic's...I was doing the same thing as you running around to find my next pills...I ended up quitting the oxycontin and did a taper off the rest...
    hang in there it may seem like forever but the time goes by and then you will get some clean days behind you, that alone will give you some confidence to have something to build on.
    life is better when you get off the pills.It wont take long just go ahead and go for it.
    Look up the Thomas recipe that Robert gave you it will help you tremendously.

    Keep posting and let us know how it is going...

    Talk to you soon, Melinda

  5. #5
    KMH120 is offline Junior Member
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    Thank you all so much for such a fast response!

    Businessman, I know that’s a fast taper but I’ve been trying to do it for 2 weeks. I just don’t have the strength to do it. I end up using everything I have by the end of the day. I know that cold turkey is the only way I can go now. I even got some suboxone with good intentions, but I ended up abusing it with the morphine. It’s a impossible task for me, if I have it I’m going to use it. Hopefully you will have better luck with your taper than I did. Good Luck and thanks for the advice.

    Robert, thanks for the recipe and I am going to the drug store today to get the Thomas recipe. I have a script for xanax but he suggest valium or klonopin. I can get some klonopin if I need to. Does it help more or is it because xanax is more addictive?

    Melinda, thank you for your kind words and support. I am scared to death. I don’t know how I got here, I was always one of those that won’t happen to me people, if nothing else it has taught me that anything can happen to anyone. You used the word confidence, that is something I have none of. I already had 30 mgs today and I feel like I am dying. I know what I have to do but it feels endless and hopeless. I am already wondering if I will ever feel good or normal again. Maybe I don’t know what normal really is because I have lived the last year of my life in a cloudy fog. This morning when I woke up I was to sick to get my daughter to school on time. I had to take some morphine and go back to bed and sleep until it took a small amount of my suffering away before I could even get up and get her ready, I know that’s really pathetic and sad. I have 30mgs left and I have looked at it 20 times today it has took everything in me to not take it and I believe the only thing that has stopped me is knowing I won’t have anything tomorrow.

    Thank you all so much for your support and encouragement

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    Robert_325 is offline Retired
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    The thing with xanax is that it has a very short half life ... only 6-12 hours. It's more for panic attacks. Valium has the longest half life of all benzos and klonopin is next. They are more for anxiety ... they stick with you lots longer. I always recommend the valium first, the klonopin second. Xanax would be last on my list for the Thomas Recipe. God bless.
    I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.

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    nelly005 is offline Member
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    Hi KHM
    You are so going to be able to do this, a supporting husband is so important and just looking in your childrens faces and knowing how much they need their Mom! Anytime you're feeling weak getting some of their hugs will give you strength!!
    The Thomas Recipe absolutely helps as well as strenghtening your body with proper nutrition.

    Beth

  8. #8
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    Hi KMO
    Let us know how your doing it really does help to post your misery...I was on here all day when I was in w/d...
    Talk to you soon, Melinda

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    KMH120 is offline Junior Member
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    Hi everyone. I broke over yesterday and finished off my last 30 mgs so I guess I start today! I’m so scared, I keep telling myself I can do this but every hour my withdraws get worse. Its 12:35 pm and I’m already miserable. My symptoms as of right now are diarrhea, nausea, shaking, hot and cold sweats, runny eyes and nose, and it feels like the bones in my legs and back are going to bust along with the muscle cramps. I’m already fighting the mental part, I have caught myself thinking that if I just had one pill I would feel so much better. Then I try to remind myself that that will just be for today and tomorrow and the days after that I will have to have more. I’m glad I have children because they are my strength in this, I know I couldn’t do this for another reason. Well I’ll try to post later to let you all know how I’m doing. Thank you all for your support.

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    KMH120 is offline Junior Member
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    Ok its 1:30pm and I seriously think I’m going to die. The withdraws are unbearable now nausea has kicked in full force. Diarrhea is bad enough! I can’t even drink water without feeling like vomiting. My body is trembling so bad it almost impossible to type. I have some phenergan in the medicine cabinet but I can't even find the strength to get out of bed to get it. HOW DO PEOPLE DO THIS?

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    Robert_325 is offline Retired
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    Quote Originally Posted by KMH120 View Post
    Ok its 1:30pm and I seriously think I’m going to die. The withdraws are unbearable now nausea has kicked in full force. Diarrhea is bad enough! I can’t even drink water without feeling like vomiting. My body is trembling so bad it almost impossible to type. I have some phenergan in the medicine cabinet but I can't even find the strength to get out of bed to get it. HOW DO PEOPLE DO THIS?




    You don't have the Thomas Recipe ingredients? You should be taking imodium ad, L-Tyrosine, vitamin B-6, doing some other things. How did you decide to do this? God bless.
    I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.

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    KMH120 is offline Junior Member
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    As of right now nothing is helping me. Is it because my dosage of morphine was to high or is it just me? Even the imodium ad isn't helping!!

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    Robert_325 is offline Retired
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    Quote Originally Posted by KMH120 View Post
    As of right now nothing is helping me. Is it because my dosage of morphine was to high or is it just me? Even the imodium ad isn't helping!!



    Out of curiousity how much amodium have you taken? Did you get a benzo for the Thomas Recipe? What have you taken?

    Your morphine dose was not that outrageously high. I'm not belittling it but it wasn't really that bad. Goes to show how bad this can get. I was taking thirty 30mg roxies a day plus 30 or so lorcets, plus the benzos, soma, etc.

    One thing about a cold turkey opiate detox is that you'll feel like you are going to die, but you never will. It feels like hell but in a matter of days it's over and you'll start feeling better every day. It's the fastest way to get clean. You'll be okay, but are you taking the imodium right? It always works if you take enough. And what about the benzos if you're feeling that badly? God bless. -
    Last edited by Robert_325; 05-22-2009 at 01:34 PM.
    I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.

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    KMH120 is offline Junior Member
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    I have taken 4 amodium pills, 2 klonopin, the vitamins in the thomas recipe and my husband got home and got me the phenergan. I'm fighting to keep gatorade down but its almost a impossible task. I know my morphine intake could have been a lot worse, I was on my way there. My normal use of 160mgs was just to make me feel normal, to get high I had to add another 60mgs or so, but only when I had the money to do it. I have already had a struggle with the benzos in the past so im kinda scared about them. I have a scrpit for xanax but I learnt really quick that they shouldn't be filled every month. I would fill my script for 60 xanax and they would be gone in 3 days.

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    AMom is offline New Member
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    Default hi

    Why won't you go to a Detox center and then Rehab? I'm worried you will need more help than just detoxing.

  16. #16
    nelly005 is offline Member
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    KMH,
    Have your husband make you a nice hot bath, stay in as long as you can putting in more hot water as you need it. Make sure your husband keeps an eye out for you and try not to get chilled. Also try to eat a potassium rich food, a baked potato or banana would be good. You've only got two or three bad days ahead just think of it as having a bad case of stomach flu and no pill can help help that but the imodium. Keep up with the Thomas Recipe.
    We're thinking of you!!
    You're only a failure, if you fail to try....and you're trying!!
    Beth

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    Robert_325 is offline Retired
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    Quote Originally Posted by KMH120 View Post
    I have taken 4 amodium pills, 2 klonopin, the vitamins in the thomas recipe and my husband got home and got me the phenergan. I'm fighting to keep gatorade down but its almost a impossible task. I know my morphine intake could have been a lot worse, I was on my way there. My normal use of 160mgs was just to make me feel normal, to get high I had to add another 60mgs or so, but only when I had the money to do it. I have already had a struggle with the benzos in the past so im kinda scared about them. I have a scrpit for xanax but I learnt really quick that they shouldn't be filled every month. I would fill my script for 60 xanax and they would be gone in 3 days.





    I know that you don't feel like typing. But I appreciate you giving us some information so we know how you're doing. Helps to know the amounts of stuff you've taken.

    If you have to you can take some more imodium AD. I'm sure you didn't take all that at once. Use it as needed, you need to at least make that better.

    Once we increase to a certain amount of RX opiates I think the w/d process is pretty much the same for most, some have it worse. You can figure where you fit in there. Your detox is similar to what the rest of have gone through.

    The next few days you can count on feeling like hell for the most part. The Thomas Recipe goodies will start helping you soon. You're just having a tough time right now.

    I am almost a militant against benzos. I hate them most of the time. But during an opiate detox they sure do help. Don't get carried away but don't make yourself suffer if you don't have to. God bless.
    I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.

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    KMH120 is offline Junior Member
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    Hey everyone I have been asleep for the last 4 hours or so which in my opinion is great. I added some ibuprofen , another benzo, phenergan, benadryl for my running eyes and nose, and a blood pressure pill for the sweats. That combo knocked me completely out and when I woke up I felt a little better, what a relief. Rehab is not an option for me. My husband just brought me some chicken noodle soup I’m going to try and eat some hopefully I can keep it down. Thanks everyone for your support and encouragement this has really helped me a lot.

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    KMH120 is offline Junior Member
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    Day 2, two days isn't that long but it has been a eternity for me. My willpower is fading and I forgot why I wanted to quit to being with. I’m already trying to justify getting more pain meds. The withdraws a unbearable, all i can do Is lay in bed. I am taking the Thomas recipe and i know it has helped me some. How do u get past this part, not the detox but the I got to have a pill part? I keep thinking I can do one more and be fine, almost did it today but i fought it and stayed home. But how am i suppose to live with this mental hell everyday of my life? How do you walk away from something you have fell in love with? Its like losing your best friend.
    Last edited by KMH120; 05-23-2009 at 02:34 PM.

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    KMH120 is offline Junior Member
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    Day 3, I woke up this morning feeling like I had been ran over. The withdraws are finally starting to calm down now. Now im just having mild symptoms, nothing that bad. I have been asleep off and on for the last 2 days which has helped me a lot, I increased my benzo intake and knocked my self out (self sedation). Im really week and tired still, what can I do to get my energy back? I really fell as if I have made it through the hard part of the wd's now its time to work on saying no. I have am not a very mentally strong person and I really don't want to end up back where i was at. Any suggestions on how to stay clean? Its really hard to tell that voice in my head no. Thanks Guys for all your support I can actually sit up in the bed to type this morning.


    P.S. I don't know who Thomas is but I LOVE him lol

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    KMH120 is offline Junior Member
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    A couple hours ago I went into a manic stage. I was screaming and crying begging for a pill. My dealer has been told by my husband to not give me anymore but I think I would have went to hell and back for one. My body is in sever pain but the sweats and other symptoms have eased up, they come and go. I have this weird feeling in my chest and throat, kinda like heartburn but not really. Has anyone else had this feeling?

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    Robert_325 is offline Retired
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    Quote Originally Posted by KMH120 View Post
    A couple hours ago I went into a manic stage. I was screaming and crying begging for a pill. My dealer has been told by my husband to not give me anymore but I think I would have went to hell and back for one. My body is in sever pain but the sweats and other symptoms have eased up, they come and go. I have this weird feeling in my chest and throat, kinda like heartburn but not really. Has anyone else had this feeling?



    The thing about opiate w/d is that you'll feel like you're going to die but you never do. It will get better. You've got about four days to be past the very worst. The good part is that you only have to do this one time. Then you're clean. The rest of the stuff with cravings and wanting to use, well you have to work on that part. That's why we suggest recovery of some type be it NA, AA, Celebrate Recovery, church, whatever works for you. Most of us need some extra help. I'm including you in my prayers. Try to get up and walk around the block as soon as you possibly can. The exercise will actually help your natural endorphine production and over well-being. Stay in touch. God bless.
    I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.

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    nelly005 is offline Member
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    Hi KMH,

    You mentioned the wierd feeling in your chest and throat, right now your body is under a lot of physical and mental stress. We all handle that very differently, this may be your bodies stress "call". However, when I mentioned potassium the other day I really meant it was important. When we're having stomach issues, like your w/d symptoms, and not eating or keeping food in you for long, your body loses potassium which is very important for heart function! Again plain baked potatoes or a banana are the easiest to keep down.
    Please remember you're half way there now!! If you go get more pills the pain of the last few days will have been for nothing. And mentally it gets harder each time we try to quit as we soooo remember the pain we went through! Making it worse than it was!
    After you get over the major w/d symptoms every day will get a little bit better. And you'll realize your love of opiates is gone!

  24. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by KMH120 View Post
    A couple hours ago I went into a manic stage. I was screaming and crying begging for a pill. My dealer has been told by my husband to not give me anymore but I think I would have went to hell and back for one. My body is in sever pain but the sweats and other symptoms have eased up, they come and go. I have this weird feeling in my chest and throat, kinda like heartburn but not really. Has anyone else had this feeling?
    Hi KMH
    Hang in there girl...just take it 5 minutes at a time...Take a hot bath and tell your self it will all be over soon...then you wont have to worry about getting any more pills...Tell you mind to be strong and not to give in to weak thoughts...I swear I know what your going thru...
    just give it a little more time...

    Talk to you soon, Melinda
    Last edited by Anonymous; 05-24-2009 at 06:13 PM.

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    KMH120 is offline Junior Member
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    Hi everyone I made it! Today is day 4. By yesterday evening I though I had got through the worst of the wd's until the twitching and jerking kicked in, that was miserable. It was like I was having a seizer but I wasn't. Hopefully that was the last of that. I just got up but so far I feel pretty good. I had no night sweats last night and besides the RLS I slept pretty well. I now believe I got through the easy part, the hard part will last me a lifetime. Thank you all so much for your support and encouragement, it has really helped me. Robert you said you would keep me in your prayers, God gives people strength and right now I am very weak. Please keep praying for me.
    KMH
    Last edited by KMH120; 05-25-2009 at 08:26 AM.

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    Robert_325 is offline Retired
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    Quote Originally Posted by KMH120 View Post
    Hi everyone I made it! Today is day 4. By yesterday evening I though I had got through the worst of the wd's until the twitching and jerking kicked in, that was miserable. It was like I was having a seizer but I wasn't. Hopefully that was the last of that. I just got up but so far I feel pretty good. I had no night sweats last night and besides the RLS I slept pretty well. I now believe I got through the easy part, the hard part will last me a lifetime. Thank you all so much for your support and encouragement, it has really helped me. Robert you said you would keep me in your prayers, God gives people strength and right now I am very weak. Please keep praying for me.
    KMH




    After you get past the fourth day it usually starts getting a little better. Don't use and each day will improve from this point forward.

    Everyone is weak on the fourth day of opiate detox, your entire body/mind has just been put through agony. Hang in there, you're almost past the worst of it.

    I will keep you in my prayers as I pray for everyone here on a daily basis. Stay focused and don't use no matter what. God bless.
    I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.

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    KMH120 is offline Junior Member
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    Day 5, I think that the opiates not only numb your body but also your mind. I am getting some major mood swings now. I'm feeling things that I haven't felt in a long time. The wds are pretty much gone now. I do have a lot of back pain but my back is pretty messed up, I think I just forgot how bad it hurts. I tried to explain everything in detail in my other posts, hoping that my agony could help someone else get clean or quit using before they got where I was. It really was hard and I am never going to go through that again. The cravings come and go and are hard to fight. I am going to find a NA or AA or some kind of group to help me fight this. I've always heard once an addict always an addict, is it true? Will I never be able to take another pain pill again without risking a relapse? I want you all to know that you all helped me so much, it was so hard to listen to people say your going to be ok when they had no clue what I was going through. It really helped having you guys on my side because when you said it I knew you had done it, and you knew exactly what I was going through. Thank you all so much again for the first time in 5 days i'm smiling!

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    Robert_325 is offline Retired
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    Day five is usually a big day in opiate detox. It really does suck going through all this but it's so worth it. Now you can get your life back.

    I think it's wise of you to get involved in a good recovery program. It helped save me when I got off drugs. Not sure I would have made it without NA.

    I am one of the people who believes that we are NOT always addicts (contrary to NA), at least not the way I define it. I suppose if you continue living your life the same and the only thing that gets changed is using you would still basically be an addict, just not using.

    I am not the same person I was ten years ago any longer. I don't live the same way, go to the same places or see the same people. I know that all things are possible through Christ for those who have faith. I became a new creation when I was saved through Christ and being an addict is NOT a part of that. So I guess it depends on who we are, what we believe and how we live.

    I'm not saying I can use drugs successfully. The thing is I don't want drugs anymore, my want-to has changed. I have NO cravings, the thought of taking RX opiates disgusts me. So how can I be classified as an addict? Not wanting to start a controversy on the forum but that's how I feel about me. I know what I believe is right for me. You'll have to determine what is right for you. God bless.
    I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.

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    KMH120 is offline Junior Member
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    Hey everyone I'm still here just reading other post mostly. I'm still clean but it hasn't been easy. When I start getting stressed I run, it helps a lot. I have found the worst part about being clean is you start to feel again. The pills numbed my body but also my mind. Now I remember why I started using. Things I haven't thought about for a long time are starting to resurface and I don't know how to deal with it. I just hope I can get a hold on this emotional drama before it gets me.

  30. #30
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    Hi kmh
    The one think that helped me when I started feeling again is to take then head on don't let them get the best of you...fight back don't put yourself back in your shell...
    hang in there , Melinda

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