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Making myself Accountable
  1. #1
    4ME4ONCE is offline Junior Member
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    Default Making myself Accountable

    I have been reading this site for years. Its my turn to take that first hardest step. I quit. I can't do this anymore. I took the last of my hydrocodone 10/325 medication and made a "solution" of dirt, water, pills and mixed it all together and buried it. Done...they are gone. I cancelled my follow up with pain management doctor today and informed his office that I'm just finished with all this. I think that the medication is just making things worse instead of better. The doctor feels the next step is stronger medications and I'm just not going there. The medication / injections / nerve medications / none if it is making things better. I think it could be making things 'feel' worse? I think I need to be free of it all and see where I truly AM pain wise and if all the treatments with the injections actually DID help enough where OTC meds can help me thru the flares? So - I'm officially on my first day. And it hurts. I have clonodine as a rescue blood pressure medication and I've had to take one this morning as B/P is thru the roof. The "stomach" issues are with me and I just feel miserable. I've read all the advice about the Thomas Recipe and have most of the supliments and I'm just going to dive into this and ride it out over the next few days. 50 years old...never thought I'd be a person to "chase" that next refill. Everything in my life has changed in the past month and this addiction is something that I refuse to bring into the new year with me! Just wanted to jump in here...thanks to all you brave soldiers who have shared your stories and given so much inspiriation to others...you gave me the courage to admit that I had a problem and now the strength to jump into getting this terrible monkey off my back!

    Tee

  2. #2
    Robert_325 is offline Retired
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    Quote Originally Posted by 4ME4ONCE View Post
    I have been reading this site for years. Its my turn to take that first hardest step. I quit. I can't do this anymore. I took the last of my hydrocodone 10/325 medication and made a "solution" of dirt, water, pills and mixed it all together and buried it. Done...they are gone. I cancelled my follow up with pain management doctor today and informed his office that I'm just finished with all this. I think that the medication is just making things worse instead of better. The doctor feels the next step is stronger medications and I'm just not going there. The medication / injections / nerve medications / none if it is making things better. I think it could be making things 'feel' worse? I think I need to be free of it all and see where I truly AM pain wise and if all the treatments with the injections actually DID help enough where OTC meds can help me thru the flares? So - I'm officially on my first day. And it hurts. I have clonodine as a rescue blood pressure medication and I've had to take one this morning as B/P is thru the roof. The "stomach" issues are with me and I just feel miserable. I've read all the advice about the Thomas Recipe and have most of the supliments and I'm just going to dive into this and ride it out over the next few days. 50 years old...never thought I'd be a person to "chase" that next refill. Everything in my life has changed in the past month and this addiction is something that I refuse to bring into the new year with me! Just wanted to jump in here...thanks to all you brave soldiers who have shared your stories and given so much inspiriation to others...you gave me the courage to admit that I had a problem and now the strength to jump into getting this terrible monkey off my back!

    Tee



    Tee ..... That is awesome my friend! Join the club of others of us that waited until we were 50 or older to get clean. That's where I was and I now have almost ten years behind me. Your life will never be the same once you get through this next week. Every day will get better and better.

    The Thomas Recipe works great. Just add as much exercise to it as your physical condition permits. It will get those natural endorphines going that the pills have stopped from being produced after all the drug use. Some good quality protein shakes help with your energy level too.

    If I can help you in any way feel free to ask. I wish you a clean 2012 and beyond! I spent New Year's Eve in a rehab a long time ago trying to bring in the year clean. I wasn't totally successful that time, but we are where we are and being at almost ten years after my history of abuse makes me know that ANYONE can do this if I did it. Stay in touch. And congratulations on destroying those pills! Now THAT is making a commitment with no reservations whatsoever! Proud of you. God bless.
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    I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.

  3. #3
    4ME4ONCE is offline Junior Member
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    Default Thank You

    The fact that everyone on this site comes here with such honesty amazes me...it has for some time. I've been here at least a couple days a week just reading...not even having the courage to "sign in" and be seen or known. Wallowing in my own misery and wishing with every story that I read that it would be me one day that made it thru the uglyness of withdrawal and finally committing to putting this mess behind me. I've prayed about it...even spoke to my pastor about it and prayed together with my church that this works out as God means it too. I can't imagine that God means for me to be stuck on drugs going forward...with all the other changes that he's laid out for me recently I just "feel" like thist is what he is putting on my heart to do. LOTS of people my age have aches and pains that are managed without narcotic medications...this is what I want to see if I can get too. Get out of the fog...I'm so exhausted by this. It's been on-going for over 6 years, first one problem and then another and it's grown into this sick merry go round and I just want off.
    I'm hoping that the worst of the body aches...feeling like I'm carrying bags of cement...chills...stomach issues...all of the worst symptoms will pass during this long weekend. I'm in N TX and the sun is shining outside and it's warmer today...I've gone out a couple times and walked a minute in the sunshine...it's all I can muster today. Pushing thru this...fully committed and I honestly believe this is what I'm suppose to be doing for this new upcoming year. God has something in mind for me, and I need to be clean enough to hear and feel him working in me to know what that something is!
    Thanks again...you encourage and help so many that it made me feel special that you replied. God Bless!
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  4. #4
    Robert_325 is offline Retired
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    With your will, attitude and faith in His plans for you it's next to impossible to fail. Just maintain that faith and continue to do the next right thing only because it's the right thing to do. Your rewards will be immense. You NEVER have to use again! And that is awesome! Remember to give thanks every day for another day drug free! He likes that praise. God bless.
    4ME4ONCE likes this.
    I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.

  5. #5
    4ME4ONCE is offline Junior Member
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    Default Amen...

    Such kind words from someone that I don't even know...this is God working in my life today! I am trying to find someone going thru this with me to encourage...give something back...even if typed words on a screen are the only productive thing I can manage for today...so be it. Bible study tonight will help too...I just KNOW this is what He wants for me...He will get me thru this...these symptoms of the withdrawal process must just be his way of teaching me that everything has a price...a way to remember NOT to go back. I'm sure that my problems may still require medical intervention...but it will have to be other methods of treatment instead of the doctor just throwing a huge script of hydrocodone at you every month and not even discussing the long term affects, tolerance issues, nothing. He increased the quantities a couple times over the years when I complained hard enough about not managing the pain...just tripping out today on HOW I got here...sorry to ramble.
    Again...thank you for your words. I'm a little foggy today too...I have had this clonodine medication for many months...it is suppose to be used as a rescue blood pressure medication and I don't remember having to take it except when it was first prescribed...but I had to take one today early this morning and my B/P is running very high I think I have to take another one. What does clonodine do to ease withdrawal symptoms? I've read that it is used for this purpose "off label" but what releif is it suppose to give because I'm not seeing it? Just wondering if anyone knows and can share their knowledge about this.
    Thanks..prayers to all who are pushing their way out of the fog...I will see you in the sunshine on the other side of this mess very soon! God Bless!
    Tee

  6. #6
    4ME4ONCE is offline Junior Member
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    Default Just writing as therapy

    I'm just using this as a journal for myself...or anyone that runs across my story and can take anything from it that might help themselves. I've been dressed, up, out of the house on a walk around the neighborhood for an hour and a half and it was a real struggle. But, I was determined to make it the entire way around the neighborhood. I just moved here a couple weeks ago...kind of "out in the country" and today was truly a gift from God. The sun shone...and it felt good to get outside finally and move my aching body. This really does suck...but I'm at 29 hours and determined that I will somehow push thru this mess. EVERYTHING hurts...I just took some advil so hopefully it will do something to ease the aches and pains. Blood pressure is giving me a fit...checked it after resting half an hour and I'm at 210/110 - I guess I have to take another of the 'rescue blood pressure meds' - they really don't make you feel too well and what I read about clonodine helping during withdrawals has not come to me yet...perhaps that releif comes after a couple days use?? I think I'll eat some soup and have a hot bath to ease the aching legs and see how I feel then. God...I'm doing my best to hang in here...I know you were working in my life today because people that I don't even know reached out to me with words of comfort and encouragement...I know that was YOU! Bible study was changed to tomorrow night due to a flu at the house we were to have it...and maybe this is your way of telling me that I need to be still and feel thru this first aweful day. That's how I'm going to look at this...I will read the chapters we were too study tonight as I bet there is something in there that you want me to see! I hope everyone else out there that stumbles across my silly ramblings is hanging on...hanging in there and pushing yourself thru this. The walk seemed to do wonders for my mental fog...but LORD...my legs hurt so badly right now that I want to just screem...hot bath time! God's blessings to all...thanks for giving people like me a place to come clean and start on a better path!
    Tee

  7. #7
    4ME4ONCE is offline Junior Member
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    Default Aarrggg

    Sweet Sleep...why do you escape me? I was so tired at 9 but up an hour later. My legs simply will not be still and the Ltyrosine (apologize for mispellings) is not helping I guess as I thought this one was for the leg cramping etc. This is my day 2...
    Thank you Father for my first sober day in over 6 years! I purposely wanted to do this over a holiday weekend so that I couldn't break down and contact my doctor to rescue me from this horrible place. Someone said it best somewhere...no retreat, no surrender...that is my goal here but I am feeling so aweful that I wanted to put the words out here so that I'm forced to read them a week from now and see how far I've come. Please give me strength to get thru this day...that is all that I ask for is 1 day at a time, pains and all, but sober and without drugs! I keep revisiting the HOW did I get HERE question...then I try to rationalize or bargain with myself that there is true legitimate pain here and you need these medications to function. I think this is the addiction screaming in my ear isn't it? Someone calls the addiction the "bad guys" - and I try to keep it in that perspective and right now the "bad guys" are in my bed trying to convince me to do all sorts of things to end this night mare...I went so far as to put on my jacket and shoes and went to stare at the stars for a minute to clear my head...hoping some strength would come to me in looking at a creation that I wlll never understand. Ugg...I am so small in this world yet the troubles seem so large that they will choke the life out of you...I really must find something to take my mind to a better place in these wee hours of this morning. I will read a chapter in the Bible and try another hot bath and see if sleep will come! I wish all my best to anyone else out there tonight lurking and reading to find inspiration to keep fighting your own demons tonight. Be strong and hang in there!!
    God's Blessings!
    Tee

  8. #8
    4ME4ONCE is offline Junior Member
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    Default Brutal Night

    I hope no one minds me using this to journal out my troubles...I chose to place this in the "condition" forum so as not to take up space on the need to talk area that seems to be where the most posts are for those that NEED immediate assistance. I just need to make myself accountable in this journey and need to do it in a somewhat 'public' manner...so I chose here to write it out so that I can go back and look at how it was in the beginning versus what it is like a week out...2 weeks..etc.
    Last night was brutal...and this morning it's much worse. May I just say that the thought of adult depends has crossed my mind as the stomach issues combined with the sneezing has been a difficult combination. A grown woman thinking that she will soil her own clothing...how sick and sad is that? I was able to watch the sunset over the tree line this morning and the blinds are open in my small little place and the sunlight is breath-taking...this is what I will start today with...thanking God for this beautiful start to this day. And...no matter how crummy my body is feeling...I vow to push thru it and get out a bit later this morning and go continue to move a little more of my things from my old residence and try to finish that bad chapter once and for all. I don't know where the energy or strenght will come from...but I just have to hope that it shows and if it takes me all day to make it...then so be it. I can't give in to this...I put myself here...I must pull myself thru this pit of mud and keep moving on and keep remembering that this is the only time I ever have to endure this and I never have to USE again and feel any of this misery. Sorry to vent y'all...I need to do this for myself and keep myself on track.
    Wishing God's peace and blessings to anyone that happens to read any of this nonsense.
    Tee

  9. #9
    Catrina is offline Advanced Member
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    Dear Tee,

    Pls don't be discouraged with the lack of posts on your thread. Weekends in general are usually slower around here and with it being a holiday weekend to boot, it just adds to that. You, my friend are doing awesome!

    I cleaned up thanks to this site in early January 2010 after lurking for weeks. I, too found so many good people and it inspired me and gave me the strength I needed to pay the piper for the 5 days it took to start to feel better. One thing, before I forget, the L-typ.... however you spell it (lol) I believe is for some energy. I recall feeling so weak and wobbly that I wondered too if I would even make it to the bathroom. That's typical, I think. I by the way am in my LATE 50's and finally clean after more than 20 yrs of abuse. It's doable. It takes determination and finding that switch in your brain that says enough is enough. I can do this and I will!!!

    Use this Forum however it works for you. I too, used it as a journal of sorts. As I came out of the fog and began to feel better, my mind would wander in all sorts of directions examining things that I didn't even know where there. I referred to them here as my daily rants when in reality there were sometimes multiple rants per day.

    The aching, twitching legs was probably the one symptom (aside from the inability to sleep) that I found the hardest to deal with. I went to the pharmacy and bought one more heating pad so that I had one for each leg. I wrapped my legs with the heating pads and it really did relieve the restless leg stuff. The inability to sleep, well I simply decided not to allow it to frustrate me. I wasn't tired it was just what felt like endless hours of wakefullness that at first was driving me crazy. Around day 3 (?) I just said "to he** with it", found some old movies so that I wouldn't have to pay attention and if I dozed for a few minutes the movie was waiting for me. If I didn't sleep, well then I didn't sleep. Non-addicts, I'm sure would think that I was a bald faced liar if I told them that I was able to go days without a wink of sleep and function but I did. On Day 5 I went to work. I didn't feel "sleepy-tired" just a bit weak but after Day 5 it got better and better every day.

    Keep posting and please don't be discouraged because you haven't had alot of posts on this thread. Wait until Tuesday...you'll have page after page by then and just think you ought to have the worst behind you by that point. I hope that someone at around the same stage of cold turkey as you find you, or you find them. Finding a buddy really helps so that you can share your feelings (both physical and emotional) and KNOW that the person understands exactly how you're feeling.

    Peace,

    Cat
    "Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." Kahil Gibran (1883-1931).

  10. #10
    4ME4ONCE is offline Junior Member
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    Default Thank you Cat

    I don't worry that there are no posts here...I purposely chose this section because I didn't want to take up precious space or time on any threads that would divert attention away from someone more needing of help and more deserving of the expert advice...I know what kind of mess I've gotten myself in...and after reading so many moving stories and the wise advise of Robert, Henry, Ruth, just too many of God's angels to list....I know what I have to do...and I am strong in my resolve that I will end this before it ends me! I so humbly appreciate your reply though...and I want you to know that...I feel like it is truly God working in my life when a complete stranger reaches out to me and offers me kindness and support...I am pushing myself up and around today. I will be honest and tell you that I haven't managed to do much in a productive way yet but I'm going to keep trying and just do what I can do. The no sleep thing...well...I will take your advice and not fight it...it will return when it returns and I know it will be a sweet welcomed old friend! Thanks for the heating pad idea and I will run out today and pick up another one and try that, it seems to be the worst for me especially when you are trying to settle down at night! I've got to find a way to stop the noise in my head...the repeated beating myself over the "how I got here"...ugg...these emotions are just all over the place and I keep telling myself that it is what is it...what matters now is how I deal with it and make it better but it feels like I'm in a mental tug of war with my own wits and that is a bit unsettling for me! I'm off work until Tuesday morning so I'm hoping by that time the worst of the ugly symptoms are beginning to pass and I can fully committ to working on the mental ones. I just attended an AA meeting that was very moving and met lots of nice folks that were so welcoming, small baby steps right? My goal is to force myself to a meeting everyday except Thursday evening...I have bible studies on that night and I want to keep that committment going as it helps me more than I can tell you! Again...thank you so much for sharing with me...it helps so much just to know that I am NOT the first to go thru this. As nice as your post is you must be a nice person...I feel like I'm a nice person too and it helps me to remember that I'm not a monster because of this addiction...that bad things just happen to good people sometimes when we let our guards down. God Bless you for reaching out to me and lifting me up today...I wish you a very Happy and Prosperous New Year my new friend!!
    All the Best! Tee

  11. #11
    killthepain is offline New Member
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    Hang in there. Your story seems alot like mine. I take the pills, but want off of them. I had 4 surgerys on my neck, and the pain is too much. Tried all kinds of alternative methods, but the pain comes back with a vengance. Tolerance is building. Suffered through withdrawls twice to see just how bad the pain was. Refuse to take any stronger meds.

    Keep posting I am sure the people here will help you through. Hope the pain is miminal. Good luck on your journey.

  12. #12
    4ME4ONCE is offline Junior Member
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    Default Thanks Killthepain

    Hi and thank you for the kind words. It's so hard isn't it...that fine line that we walk with regards to narcotic pain meds for true pain conditions and managing a better quality of life...and the other side of it where we start out on them for legitimate reasons and that turns into feeding the addiction and the prevention of becoming sick from withdrawals. I'm so sorry for the pain that you are suffering and I pray for your comfort. I honestly started out like most...pain meds were rx'd for true pain...surgeries done...first one thing and then another and here I am 6 years into this and still taking the pain meds...yet still feeling the pain. Only problem is - I don't honestly KNOW if the pain is as bad as I make it out to be because the pain from withdrawals is added in there - like you are going thru these "mini withdrawals" (if there is such a thing) just trying to feed yourself what you need due to tolerances. Whew...wish there was a better way for me to explain it...but I think you get the jist. I can't KNOW what my true pain levels are where I'm at...I've got to stop the drugs and let my system clean up so that I can get my arms around it and if there is true pain there...I want to start off at the bottom of the charts and as far from narcotics as I can to manage it. I'm not saying this is right for anyone other than myself...it's just a journey that I feel like I must take - and I must do it now. So much has fallen apart in my life in the past year and being foggy and not my best self isn't helping me cope and pick up pieces. Add to that the getting older thing and freaking out over where my life is at this age...well...you see what I mean. I do appreciate your post though...it's so nice that people reach out in support of others when we are all going thru our own problems...you with your pain and how to deal with it...I do hope that you get it worked out in a way that you are allowed to get thru your days with some comfort! You are in my prayers - and I hope to visit with you sometime here! Happy New Year to you my new friend...all the best to you!
    Tee

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    Robert_325 is offline Retired
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    Tee .... am busy with weekend plans, but am checking the forum periodically. I may not be replying a lot for a day or so but if I see something critical, I will log on asap I assure you.

    You're doing a great job and have an awesome attiude. I will be looking in on you and cheering you along answering questions as I'm able this weekend. Have a Happy New Year and I'll be around if necessary! God bless.
    I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.

  14. #14
    4ME4ONCE is offline Junior Member
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    Default Thanks Robert...

    Don't worry for me...I'm right smack in the middle of this awefulness...right where I'm supposed to be...you go enjoy your weekend plans and ring in this new year the right way!! I will write when I feel overwhelmed - and mostly just for my own benefit...I'm sticking with this no matter what and I'm not wavering - I refuse to give in! Thanks for the check up though...it is appreciated. I'm just reading around and keeping busy as I can considering...
    God Bless you and your family in this bright New Year!
    Tee
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  15. #15
    GOLDA55 is offline Member
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    Red face Dear dear tee

    YOU ARE DEFINETLY ON THE RIGHT PATH AND BOY DO I KNOW IT'S NOT EASY, AT 63 A WIFE, MOM AND GRANDMA WENT TO A DETOX CENTER THAT I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD BE IN. ALL FROM THE EVIL PILLS THAT TOOK OVER MY MIND. I AM NOW DRUG FREE FOR ALMOST TWO WEEKS, MY BODY A LITTLE WORN, MOSTELY FROM WITHDRAWALS AT AN OLDER AGE BUT I WILL NEVER GO BACK TO USING THEM AGAIN AND NEVER WANT TO GO THRU DAY 1 AGAIN. BEST TO YOU TEE AND PLEASE STAY STRONG. LISTEN TO ADVICE ON HERE IT DOES REALLY HELP
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  16. #16
    WalkingFaith is offline New Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by 4ME4ONCE View Post
    Don't worry for me...I'm right smack in the middle of this awefulness...right where I'm supposed to be...you go enjoy your weekend plans and ring in this new year the right way!! I will write when I feel overwhelmed - and mostly just for my own benefit...I'm sticking with this no matter what and I'm not wavering - I refuse to give in! Thanks for the check up though...it is appreciated. I'm just reading around and keeping busy as I can considering...
    God Bless you and your family in this bright New Year!
    Tee
    I just wanted to write because I know every minute feels like a year, I'm on day 9 off methadone but started where you are...It's always easy the first "go" so give it your best shot! Don't turn back!! It only gets harder everytime after. I'm so happy you didn't get into any heavier meds as I did...your story could be as mine, but I'm still here!!! As soon as my body gets stronger I will be a walking & living proof anyone can make it! I know what your feeling and trust me I sabatoged (spell?) myself on christmas eve to make sure I'd make it as well!!!! I let the fear motivate me and I agree that we need to experience this (dare I say ??????) feeling in order to feel the proudness that will return...you will be sooo proud and one day the enemy may tempt you but don't fall for it...treat that one pill as thou it were the devil itself!!! I fell for it and only chased stronger meds....I just wanted you to know that I really know you're going to make it!!!! What I'm on is like herione (again ? spelling) but I was completely uneducated on what I was doing....I'm taking care of 2 babies no help and nothing but the good lord and walking in faith knowing he is going to carry me if I fall!!! I'm here if you need =)
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  17. #17
    Catrina is offline Advanced Member
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    Dear Tee,

    First, DON'T EVER consider you or your getting clean insignificant and not worth the space here or the time it will take for someone to read your posts! The entire purpose of this Forum is to reach out for support, kinship, encouragement and advice. Everything you think and feel is important. So, don't let me see you apologize again for any such thing...ok?

    I think that we all know the turmoil that runs thru our heads. We have all aspired to great things throughout our lives, I probably can honestly say that none of these things included becoming an addict but here we are. I promise you, from the depths of shame and self-hatred for what I allowed myself to become and for what I did or didn't do, once I got through detox I slowly but surely began to heal and to forgive myself. Your strength and your faith in God will get you there too. It's a process but can't and won't begin until we regain our pride and self confidence. Maintaining this status is but one of my motivations to stay clean.

    You are spot on about having to get clean to re-evaluate what is real honest-to-goodness pain vs what is narcotic induced. Oh, indeed whatever you want to call them, we addicts when using experience "mini withdrawals" every time we fail to feed our brains the required amount of narcotic it demands. This was much my attitude as well. As many of us, I too started out with real medical issues but it didn't take long for me to spiral out of control. My pain over those years was only one of the many reasons I managed to come with to give myself permission to use. Withdrawal and I had become well acquainted adversaries with many confrontations over the years so I knew it well but I was also terrified of the thought of having to live in pain for the rest of my life. I was told on this Forum that once we retrain our brains to be without narcotics oftentimes the pain settles down and responds to over the counter stuff like simple Tylenol. Honestly, I scuffed at that at the beginning finding it unimaginable that a Tylenol would do anything to help my pain when I could take enough mgs of a narcotic per day and survive it! You know what? It ended up being the truth! My medical issues remain but that Tylenol helps. Sometimes I have a few days of downtime but I know I'll bounce back and my pain is absolutely nowhere near the level that I thought that it was. Go figure.

    I'm glad you've had the long weekend to go thru detox. By Tuesday (will that be Day 4?) you ought to be mostly over the ugliness and are apt to feel weak-kneed. I don't know what you do for work, but that was right around the time I returned to work and managed quite a full day without anyone knowing a thing other than I was not feeling my best. By Day 5, the only symptom that remained was difficulty sleeping and I was working at regaining my strength. My weakness I believe was largely because I just didn't work hard enough at eating or hydrating nor did I take the advice of forcing myself to exercise even if it was a short walk. In retrospect, I did myself a grave injustice there as it took me a couple more days than it should have to get my land legs back.

    Happy New Year, Tee. You have a bright 2012 ahead of you and the beginning of your bright, new, clean life.

    Peace,

    Cat
    "Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." Kahil Gibran (1883-1931).

  18. #18
    4ME4ONCE is offline Junior Member
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    WOW Golda55...you are amazing to have found your way to detox and gotten clean. Thanks for giving me your support...these have been some miserable days but I feel like the worst has to be coming to an end soon...I'm keeping on the path...just leaving for church and will check back later today!
    God Bless you in this new beatiful year!!
    Tee

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    4ME4ONCE is offline Junior Member
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    Thank you to all my new found friends that are cheering me on thru this. I attempted to get up and about and fully intended to make services this morning, but I'm so wobbly and I've had this nauseating headache that I just can't shake today. The stomach issues are still with me full force and I'm still having these horrible swings in blood pressure that I can't seem to get to settle down. I spent 2 hours trying to just get ready and finally had to decide that it just wasn't going to happen today. Cat's advice on the dual heating pads on both legs was spot on and that has seemed to help the jittery legs in large portion. I'm afraid though that the stomach ailments have left me a little more weak than I had anticipated, and I'm not sure if the puking headache is related to blood pressure or just a culmination of everything all at once. I've been fortunate to never have a migraine, so I'm not sure what to make out of this blinding headache...but I can't seem to get up and move around and not get sick, so I'm in for now to ride this out. Blood pressure is on the up again this morning and I've just taken clonodine to see if I can get it down a bit. I refuse to give in and was so hoping that today would be my AH HA day...perhaps once the headache subsides a bit I can re-evaluate and get a better idea of where I really am. I somehow got my hours and times confused in all the stupor and today at 2:30 will be my 72 hours, so please forgive the earlier error in that calculation. I'm holding on here...still committed to making it thru this first part and getting this mess out of my system! Again, thanks to everyone that has been cheering me on...it means more than I can express and if there is anyone reading along trying to make the decision to take that first all important step...please let me just tell you that there is NO time like right now to take your life back. It's maybe the hardest but most important thing we can do for ourselves and I have no doubt that this is the most worthy thing I've done in years! Don't be afraid to make this committment to yourself...what I experience may not be near what you do, and as bad as this has been for me personally...it is certainly "do-able" and I know that this too shall pass and very VERY soon!! God Bless us...everyone! Tee

  20. #20
    4ME4ONCE is offline Junior Member
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    Day 9 is amazing and please be so very proud of yourself for what you have accomplished! And caring for your babies all the while...that is really something I couldn't even begin to imagine...you are doing so GREAT and please...keep with it!! Thank you for taking time to post here with me and please know...I'll support you in any way that I can! You keep strong and keep fighting and maybe soon we will both be on the other side of this and able to help and support someone thru their trial! God Bless you my dear, and thank you for posting!!
    GOLDA55, WalkingFaith and Bean222 like this.

  21. #21
    GOLDA55 is offline Member
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    Default Thank you tee

    I GUESS IT IS AMAZING THAT I MADE IT THROUGH DETOX, BUT REALLY ONLY MY AGE MAKES THE DIFFERENCE, AND I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT MY AGE SHOULD HAVE MADE ME KNOW BETTER THAN TO GET ADDICTED TO PAIN MEDS. AT ANY AGE GOING THROUGH WITHDRAWALS AND TRYING TO RID YOUR BODY OF THAT AWFUL STUFF THAT WE THOUGHT WE WERE SO LUCKY TO FIND AT THE BEGINNING. YOU SOUND LIKE A WONDERFUL, THOUGHTFUL PERSON EVEN WITH THE W/DS. CAN;T WAIT TO POST WITH YOU (AND MYSELF) WHEN ALL THE SYMPTOMS AND FEELINGS GO AWAY AND THE FOG FINALLY LIFTS...LUCK AND LOVE KEEP ME POSTED
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  22. #22
    WalkingFaith is offline New Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by 4ME4ONCE View Post
    Day 9 is amazing and please be so very proud of yourself for what you have accomplished! And caring for your babies all the while...that is really something I couldn't even begin to imagine...you are doing so GREAT and please...keep with it!! Thank you for taking time to post here with me and please know...I'll support you in any way that I can! You keep strong and keep fighting and maybe soon we will both be on the other side of this and able to help and support someone thru their trial! God Bless you my dear, and thank you for posting!!
    =) your post made me smile DAY 10!!! Day 10 is important because I was reading those who come off this drug methadone and make it to day 10 have a better chances of kicking the habit!!! I feel everything your writing in my body because I've been there to know all the yucky feelings...I also know that surrounding yourself with those who want to help better increases your chances....I haven't ate much but I did drink some ensure drinks and I walked today, got in my car to go to the store but had to get a helper because I wasn't able to get down. Maybe next time. I did notice I have such an spitfire mouth (and that's not me!!! fussing at the kids) sure wish I didnt' have to make them go thru this =( but I will be a better mom in the long run, so I know this is all temporary.

    I prayed you'd feel better and any person who reads this message I pray god lays his loving hands on you in your time of need. What feels like forever will be a distant (but I will remember) memory 2012!!! What a year to start fresh!!!!
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  23. #23
    Robert_325 is offline Retired
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    Quote Originally Posted by 4ME4ONCE View Post
    Thank you to all my new found friends that are cheering me on thru this. I attempted to get up and about and fully intended to make services this morning, but I'm so wobbly and I've had this nauseating headache that I just can't shake today. The stomach issues are still with me full force and I'm still having these horrible swings in blood pressure that I can't seem to get to settle down. I spent 2 hours trying to just get ready and finally had to decide that it just wasn't going to happen today. Cat's advice on the dual heating pads on both legs was spot on and that has seemed to help the jittery legs in large portion. I'm afraid though that the stomach ailments have left me a little more weak than I had anticipated, and I'm not sure if the puking headache is related to blood pressure or just a culmination of everything all at once. I've been fortunate to never have a migraine, so I'm not sure what to make out of this blinding headache...but I can't seem to get up and move around and not get sick, so I'm in for now to ride this out. Blood pressure is on the up again this morning and I've just taken clonodine to see if I can get it down a bit. I refuse to give in and was so hoping that today would be my AH HA day...perhaps once the headache subsides a bit I can re-evaluate and get a better idea of where I really am. I somehow got my hours and times confused in all the stupor and today at 2:30 will be my 72 hours, so please forgive the earlier error in that calculation. I'm holding on here...still committed to making it thru this first part and getting this mess out of my system! Again, thanks to everyone that has been cheering me on...it means more than I can express and if there is anyone reading along trying to make the decision to take that first all important step...please let me just tell you that there is NO time like right now to take your life back. It's maybe the hardest but most important thing we can do for ourselves and I have no doubt that this is the most worthy thing I've done in years! Don't be afraid to make this committment to yourself...what I experience may not be near what you do, and as bad as this has been for me personally...it is certainly "do-able" and I know that this too shall pass and very VERY soon!! God Bless us...everyone! Tee





    Tee ....... It should just about be the time when you should be feeling better! What's happening? Just want to check on you. God bless.
    I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.

  24. #24
    WalkingFaith is offline New Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Robert_325 View Post
    Tee ....... It should just about be the time when you should be feeling better! What's happening? Just want to check on you. God bless.
    me too!!! I'm checking on ya!!!! I hope your feeling so well that your too busy to check the board =)

  25. #25
    4ME4ONCE is offline Junior Member
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    I'm here...very sorry for the delay in replying but I had a computer "malfunction" but I think I'm back in action. I am feeling better...the cold weather is slowing me down a bit and I'm still having some swings in blood pressure but I'm hanging in here! I spent some MUCH needed family time yesterday so I was out of the house most of the day and that was good for getting me thru! Back to work today. The nerve pain the in left leg is very real...but I'm managing so far with heating pad / advil / and rubs etc. 3 in the morning seems to be my "witching hour" - I can't seem to sleep thru either so I'm not managing more than a couple hours of sleep a night yet...but as Cat shared with me...it is what it is and will return when it returns so I'm not stressing out over it. I feel good...really...a little 'crooked' and stiff and still a bit weak in the knees...but I'm good and ready to see what it feels like going to the office today sober!! I've only got 11 days to prepare for a trip to Asia so I've got plenty to keep me busy. Thank you ALL so much for supporting me thru this. I'm going to be honest when I say...I NEVER want to be back on last Friday again! Now the all important second part of the journey begins for me...getting my butt to meetings and working thru the "what got me here" etc to make sure I don't fall off track and end up "back" there! Cat, Golda, Faith, Robert - you guys have touched my heart in a way I can't even begin to thank you for and it meant my life for those first days. Please know that if I can ever be here for any of you...for anyone reading my ramblings - I will be here for you to offer unconditional support and friendship...you guys replying to my posts really gave me great advise and kept me pushing thru when it would have been SO easy to give in to the screaming in my head! Today is my day 5 - thank you Father for sending your angels to get me thru the darkest days! I've never been much of a "partier" - so spending New Years Eve here with both legs wrapped in heating pads that evening was a no brainer for me...and thanks to all of your posts and support - it was very clear to me that I was right where I was suppose to be! I've got so much to share that I could ramble forever here...but I've got to shower and prepare to face the world for the "first" day of this new year...I will check in with you all a bit later this morning and FAITH...you are really powering thru my friend...hang in there and shout if you get a chance!! Gods blessings to you all this first morning of the rest of my life!
    Tee

  26. #26
    4ME4ONCE is offline Junior Member
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    Default Middle of the day check in...

    I am so cold. Like a cold that I have never experienced before cold...to the bone. I'm wrapped in a blanket, heavy coat and scarf, heater running full blast and I'm shaking cold. I really wish the body temperature would start working again. But - I'm in the office and determined to power thru this all important day back in the real world! My head is foggy still and I'm finding myself drifting from one thing to the next - but with the holidays etc - nothing "earth shattering" going on in our business right now thankfully. Another reminder that this was absolutely the RIGHT time to get this process underway. Day 5 today, and some of the nastiness is beginning to fade a little - other symptoms remain. Sleep is still almost non-existent, but I know that it will return in due time. I'm super fortunate to be the only person in the office today - gives me an opportunity to continue to take it a little easier on myself and keep pushing thru! Not much appetite yet, but I think that will start to come around now that the splitting headache and other stomach ailments have begun to subside, so I think energy should start to come back a little at a time now. I feel like I've turned a corner and I am so GRATEFUL to be here today - Day 5 and there is NO looking back! I will continue to check in on all my new friends and keep you updated and I hope that you are all experiencing a bright new day today! Gods sweetest blessings to all!
    Tee

  27. #27
    WalkingFaith is offline New Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by 4ME4ONCE View Post
    I am so cold. Like a cold that I have never experienced before cold...to the bone. I'm wrapped in a blanket, heavy coat and scarf, heater running full blast and I'm shaking cold. I really wish the body temperature would start working again. But - I'm in the office and determined to power thru this all important day back in the real world! My head is foggy still and I'm finding myself drifting from one thing to the next - but with the holidays etc - nothing "earth shattering" going on in our business right now thankfully. Another reminder that this was absolutely the RIGHT time to get this process underway. Day 5 today, and some of the nastiness is beginning to fade a little - other symptoms remain. Sleep is still almost non-existent, but I know that it will return in due time. I'm super fortunate to be the only person in the office today - gives me an opportunity to continue to take it a little easier on myself and keep pushing thru! Not much appetite yet, but I think that will start to come around now that the splitting headache and other stomach ailments have begun to subside, so I think energy should start to come back a little at a time now. I feel like I've turned a corner and I am so GRATEFUL to be here today - Day 5 and there is NO looking back! I will continue to check in on all my new friends and keep you updated and I hope that you are all experiencing a bright new day today! Gods sweetest blessings to all!
    Tee
    I must admit if not for this forum....well let's just say (I dislike negative talking while getting to the new me) it's gave me comfort, hope and a chance to read up on how to helps ease withdrawls. I then prayed asked for stregnth and saw your post, something made me want to cheer you on...i honestly think it's because you have faith as well. Given our differences in age and meds, I think your day 5 is like my 12, due to all the symptoms you were writing. I think it's sorta the same timeline given my meds half life and duration, plua weight plays a big part.
    I hope you have some ensure drinks for the times you don't feel like eating, i notice a big difference after drinking a few days. I can't get warm either, not for nothing and I have these ear wraps and a turtle neck that has been with me since day 3....try maybe a knit hat on your head if your hair is short. warm socks made me feel warmer as well. Melantonine (spelling?) like what's found in turkey is a great sleep aid and natural, when you take make sure your "bed ready" for it to take greatest effect. any lights on or noise will just make you stay awake. I like to take melantonine, then take my bath, eat a small snack, empty bladder....then close my eyes....(in that order)
    your words are so kind and I plan to come back often just to make sure I help others because to turn back now is NOT an option....my "person" called...I said Nope don't call back or I'll call the law!!! I told him I was done!!!! SO proud!!! I found a methadone pill and flused it because I'll never be tempted or go thru this again....amazing how the enemy will tept you even when you think you have all under control....Well the faith in me is stronger than the need for meds =) I know you done, I can tell in the way you write....Please take care and I'm keeping everyone who's comes to this site in my prayers, that they bring the "real them" back!!!
    Robert_325 and 4ME4ONCE like this.

  28. #28
    4ME4ONCE is offline Junior Member
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    Default Faith = everything!!

    Walking Faith - my new found friend - you are doing so amazing! I am so proud...I read your post this morning and tears welled up in my eyes. I didn't think I really "needed" anyone going thru this in the beginning...I've always been a very independant person and am always one of the last that would ever "ask" for help. But it DOES make a difference, and the support we can give each other is what will get us thru this. I hope you know that you must always continue this fight with me - we will get thru this and be so much better in our lives and our families lives because of this journey! It certainly does sound like we are in just about the same place in our journey's even though you've been fighting this longer...our symptoms must surely be just about on the "up-swing" and I can't wait. I haven't been taking much to address the symptoms - with the exception of blood pressure medicine - as I just felt like getting clean meant being clean if that makes sense at all. Thank you for the advice on melatonin - I'll look into that if the sleep disturbance continues much longer. My bigger issue is the left leg...the pinched nerve that is affecting that leg and the feeling of having a constant charley horse in that calf. During the day it is easy enough to adjust to it and work thru it...but the night time hours it seems to be so much worse and as it has been for months I'm up between 2 and 3 in the morning in such pain that I can't get settled back down. So - I've been wrapping that calf in a heating pad when the pain gets its worst and trying to manage with advil and even tried some tylenol, neither of which seems to touch it. I've had injections both in the spine and I think they called them "trigger point" injections and I'm not sure if there is a need to repeat these injections or just what I'm going to need to do about this. I suppose I'll try to give it some more time and see if anything improves - narcotics is NOT an option - so I'm really not sure what I would do to get around this "pain" issue. My hope is that the medications made the pain "feel" worse - and that going thru this process my brain is playing tricks on me and that once this process progresses...the pain won't feel as intense and I'll be better able to deal with it. I missed my walk thru the neighborhood yesterday afternoon because it hurt so badly that I couldn't put weight on it getting out of the car when I arrived home and nearly fell down in the driveway...very strange the numbness etc that is going on with it right now. Anyway...my friend...sorry to vent...I am SO proud of US! We are going to make it thru this and you make sure not to get discouraged and I promise the same!! Work yesterday was not as bad as expected...I'm still a little slow and not very motivated...but I know I've turned a corner and it only gets better from here! My prayers to you for comfort and STRENGTH today Faith...stick with me and I'll check in on you a little later today and see how you are doing!! God Bless you my friend!
    Tee

  29. #29
    dlink01 is offline New Member
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    I made myself accountable doing something that I didnt do in the past....which was involve my family/friends.

    I was great at hiding my issues and I frankly never got addicted to anything that gave me withdrawals to be honest.

    But last week finally came a time where I had to stop my tramadol issues and I decided to tell everyone (including my fiancee) and they frankly have gone OVER AND BEYOND what I thought....But they also made it clear that this should not and will not happen again.

    Now, maybe some may read this and roll their eyes but to me...having every single family member stare me in the eye and say this scares me half to death. I found some old pills yesterday and it went through my mind to maybe use again....but instead, I thought of my fiancee and mother and just shook my head and threw them away.

    I guess my point is...everyone should find something or someone to push their buttons...whether it is a person or thing or whatever.
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  30. #30
    4ME4ONCE is offline Junior Member
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    Default Keeping Accountable...

    Faith...my friend...this would be your day 12 correct? I'm at 6 and for the most part I'm feeling just OK...but OK is so much better than I expected 5 days ago! Thank you Father for 6 days of sobriety and please continue leading me and I'm so thankful to YOU for this life! A lot of the heaviness that I've been feeling has lifted today and I actually took a walk at lunch time (short but at least it was outside in the sunshine for 30 minutes around our business complex) and I keep pressing onward. I would like to think that sleep will come easier soon. Again I was up wrapping my legs in the heating pads at around 2 in the morning and very restlessly laid there tossing and turning for the next 2 hours until I gave in and got up for the day. I think I am getting 3 - 4 hours a night in broken increments...so I think that is better than some say they are getting and I'll take it when it comes. The pinched nerve is really wreaking havoc on the left leg. I remember recently fussing a good bit saying that the pain meds didn't really ever "get around" that pain...but boy...I notice a BIG difference since stopping all hydrocodone 6 days ago. The pain feels so intensified and almost unbearable at times...but I've stuck it out and between the heating pads, pensaid drops, hot baths, and walks EVEN when it feels like I can't hold up my own body weight I have not given in. I really hope that this pain will lessen soon as the nights are the worst. I feel pretty sure this is part of the brain tricks maybe - making myself "think" its so much worse than it is...I keep telling myself this. I hope that all are doing well today...I think that I'm on my way to recovery - at least almost thru this first all important part. I will be honest and say that I've only made 2 AA meetings in this 6 days. That isn't something that I am proud of and I am making a committment to do better in this area. Blood pressure seemed to be lots better today after taking only a half of a clonodine so I'm hoping that I can continue to reduce this medicine now and get off and see if the blood pressure spikes were related to the detox or if I'm truly hypertensive and work thru that. Just wanted to update - I have to put this out here to keep myself on track. God's blessings to everyone tonight!
    Tee
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