Love Hurts.

[shegrowsonyou]

Well, I knew he took Vicodin when I met him, and shortly after we started dating and realised we were " IT" for each other, I told him that the only way he could loose me was by not getting a handle on his Pill Problem.

He did a good job, his best friend had a problem, too, and had given it up and so we knew he was a good resource.

It became a topic of major discussion that he get treatment, we talked about his options and he was really adamant about getting better and said that if he had never met me and seen the sort of future he wanted with me, he would have never thought to get better at all.

I was confident in the relationship, but as his vigilance about getting off pills became stronger, his behaviour toward me turned..well.. a bit sour. It started off slowly, like I would just see a blank look in his eye and he wouldn't be excited about dates or plans we had made well in advance. He made a comment about how I don't spend as much time with my girls as i used to, so i started giving him some space and staying at my house instead of his like i usually did. We talked about this change in behaviour, except I didnt think it was him that was being odd, I thought it was something in ME that was off, and he said that it wasnt me at all, that his desire to get healthy was taking up all his emotional strength and that he was starting to just be very numb to anything else, that getting well was his first priority. Of course, he didnt say that at first. At first he said that I was " pressuring" him and gave me all sorts of ( i feel imagined) things I was pressuring him to doing. I didnt understand this " pressure" because we were already in a committed relationship.
One night, he asked me if I would please just backburner Us for a little while, that he would be back with me when he had a better hold on his addiction. I told him that I would do that, but i expressed concerns that he was using addiction as a way to rid of me in a cowardly manner. Of course he refused that was the truth and restated that he just needed a little time and space to get better and that his feelings for me still are true, but that he just couldnt get to them right now because he is so numb to feelings and obsessed with kicking his addition.

I gave him space, but i still called him every few days and we had lunch once or twice and he seemed like he was just talking to me or having a date with me out of ...I don't know what. But each time i approached him with the " Are you sure you still want me to hang around" question, he would say yes, that he just needed time to get better and if it wasnt for me he wouldnt want to get better and that he just cant reach those feelings that he has for me somewhere inside.

It was incredibly uncomfortable to spend any time with him because he was so distant and cold. His story never changed, though, so i just succumbed to sending him a text message everyday that simply said " Alive?" and he would respond "Yes, thanks for asking".

Eventually, he sent me an email that said it hurt him too much to hear from me, that seeing me in pain over his inability to quit polls cold turkey hurt him too much, and that he needed absolute disconnection from me to heal, and that only after some time alone could he then focus on whom and what is important in his life. He still said the same story about how he would be dead if not for me, and that I have changed his life.


My problem is- If i changed his life and he loves me so much, why won't he let me help him fight this thing? Until he decided to kick his habit, our future was so incredibly solid- he even jokingly/seriously proposed to me in the market with a gaudy dime ring. And now I am reduced to nothing in his life- and I am scared that what he meant was a goodbye forever, and a thanks for kicking me in the ???? to get better.

Do you think that he will follow through on his promise to make this all up to me?
Or should I get over it and forget him?

Im loathe to say it, but I feel I should just give up, and I hate to, because I know what we had must have been REAL for him to just up and go into treatment.

Has anyone got a similar story and what is your advice?

Amber

[Rscprincess1]

Ok well the first thing that you have to understand in recovery is admitting your faults and throwing the denial factor out the window and this is what it sounds like he it trying to do. He is owning up to his addction and wants to make it better in what seams like the "matcho" attitude. From what you posted it sounds like he is being a man and wants to do this all on his own. Personally when I was starting my recovery I didnt want anyone around the mood changes and the meaness that came out but I had the idea that I could do it all on my own and this is what it sounds like to me. Some people can do recovery on their own and some people require help. Let him know that you are there for a shoulder to lean on cry on and for him to get support from but try not over crowding him. If the feelings are that intese between the two of you then the relationship may survive the addiction and the recovery. Like I said the BEST thing for you to do is let him know you respect him for trying to get clean and that you supprot him and still care for him. Believe it or not support is a very BIG part to an addicts recovery,