A little thing called "GUILT"

[Anonymous]

OMG!...what have I done? I was so pathetic for so many years doing what I did best...get high! Now that I'm sober I can clearly see how selfish I had become....and it feels awful! I had a job that I loved for 10yrs, but part of my recovery was having to give it up due to co-workers using too. So here I sit...alone everyday...kids are at school,...boyfriends at work...all alone. I want and need to go back to work but I'm scareds. I'm not a young girl anymore and I have to find a new profession on top of that. I can't go back to the kind of work I had been doing for the past 15yrs on account most employ addicts....due to no drug screening. We're falling deeper and deeper into debt and I AM responsible...if only I hadn't starting using pills I would still have my job, my car that got reposessd and money for bills...I would have food in my cabinets for my kids! I'm so ANGRY with myself! I never cared what happened to me...but how could I have done this to my kids that I love with all my heart?! If I do find a job, I'll still be scared all the same due to the money in my pocket...and what if I get overly stressed out?...I just can't let myself go running back to that life....how could I? The pills didn't work anymore anyway seeing how my tolerance had gotten so high. I was giving my paycheck away just to keep from withdrawling! Why does our brain think this way? Why would I even think about another pill again? Why does it have to be so hard?

[ohhowhelovesusso]

Guilt is part of the recovery process. I went through a whole month of guilt after I quit using painkillers finally. Every single day all day my brain would bring up memories of every individual situation it could think of, things that I regret SO MUCH. Just hang in there....the guilt will eventually subside!

[Anonymous]

Thankyou ohhow, for sharing with me....i really appreciate it There is sooo much going on right now that i can't see the light at the end of the tunnel...and experiencing all of it without my pills is too much of a slap of reality for me. Everything bad that happens i blame on my addiction and its choices i've made because of it. I'm not gonna relapse,...i guess i'm just whining...sorry!

[cowildflower]

Hi there. I am RIGHT WITH YOU. I am so effing completely and udderly fed up with myself. I am paralyzed, motionless, haven't left my bed in ten days. I have three children (thank god my exhusband is understanding; but that's running out)
I have been an opiate addict for 8+ years now; daily. I started suboxone about 6 weeks ago, had to stop because my upper GI went whack (pancreatitits, gallbladder issues, etc) went back on percocets which drove me out of my mind, and now am back on suboxone again. ( 3 days into it) I know I didn't induct right. I'm on too high of a dose, but I don't even care right now.
I just want this funk of a depression to lift or I want to crawl in a hole and never wake up. I think of the damage I have done to everyone in my life and it's debilitating. I lost every friend I have ever had, multiple jobs, marriage, money, credit rating, etc etc etc. I also have major depression and possible bi-polar. So I don't which came first. I guess depression. all I do know is that i have dual diagnosis and i don't know how to hang on much longer.
I panic all of the time-like right now, if I just even think about tomorrow I start freaking out. I got a good job (after being fired from another good one due to addiction/depression issues) and bc of the health problems I haven't been in a month. I keep emailing my boss that I will be in sometime during the week, but never do. I'm sure the right answer would be to find a longer term counseling program, but sorry, I don't have like 15,000 for it at the moment. Are wealthy people the only ones worth saving?
Anyways, I don't want to 'hog' your thread: just wanted to post on it for you and let you know you are not alone in this.

jenn

[OXYmom]

Thankyou ohhow, for sharing with me....i really appreciate it There is sooo much going on right now that i can't see the light at the end of the tunnel...and experiencing all of it without my pills is too much of a slap of reality for me. Everything bad that happens i blame on my addiction and its choices i've made because of it. I'm not gonna relapse,...i guess i'm just whining...sorry!

Hi, shoo9. I just want to tell you that I was where you are not too long ago and I thought I would go crazy! Well, I am still here, with all the battle scars, but each day will get a little better. Melinda gave me the BEST advice- try to move a little more each day. It will do wonders for your recovery. My husband lost his job two weeks ago and all I could think about was, "Oh my gosh, I need my pills" Well, when my addict brain finally settled down a little bit, I realized that was not the answer. Since I stopped taking 300 mg/day oxy on 8-17-10, life has been harder than ever. We moved from a huge house that we loved to a smaller house (that we love), one of my boys had a severe concussion and is still recovering, my youngest had to have oral surgery, we lost our health insurance, our gas got turned off because we didn't have the $$ to pay the bill, the list could go on and on and on.....

I think in my case that God is using these teachable moments (not causing them) to help my brain re-learn how to deal with life's ups and downs without the opiates. I want to kick myself most of the time for how stupid I have been and how much of a drama queen I was while high. How embarassing!

Things will get better. Try to keep your head up. Post a lot. Have you started looking for a job yet? That would be a good way to use your time too. Just don't wait until you're "ready" because take it from me, your brain will never tell you, "OK, today I am ready to be normal again". You just go on with your life, one foot in front of the other, literally minute by minute and you will get better. It is the hardest thing I have ever gone through and that is really selfish to say, but it's true.

If you need anything, I am here for you because I know what you're going through and we all need that to get better.

[Anonymous]

I can't thank you enough OXYMOM, for the support and words of encouragement I've really come to love this website...it helps alot. I've read alot of what you've had to say to others and you really give great advice. So THANKYOU! again.
I have been looking for work...with no luck yet. I've gone 2mos. now with no income what so ever. I had applied for unemployment and screwed the application up, so they denied me at first but i've since had a hearing and the decision was reversed. Which is great, but i'm not gonna see a nickle for a couple more weeks. I have never been so broke in my life!
I'm sorry to hear about your husband losing his job. Has he been able to find anything yet? My old man is looking for a job too. He has one now, but isn't making enough money...his paychecks have gone down to nothing.
My whole family has been effected by freaken pills in one way or another. I have 3 siblings in prison due to selling and/or possession. I consider myself real lucky for not getting caught...if i had ever gotten stopped and searched i would have been behind bars right with them. I thought nothing of driving with my kids in the car and have 20-30 roxy30's on me! (non-prescribed ofcourse) I adore my children and have gotten clean for them too! One of my sisters i'm best friends with...that has ALOT to do with my depression. She went away for a few years...and i miss her terrribly. I just try my best to not get too stressed out and dwell on all the bad stuff. I'm charging my ipod as i speak, and am going to rock out while i attempt to exercise...wish me luck!

[melinda7.5]

Hi Shoo
I was just talking to you on another thread, but thought I would come on your thread so you would see it, when I started working out I could only do 2 minutes a day on my treadmill but I worked up everyday...
I still use my I-pod today to get myself moving ..who sings that song you were talking about ?
I forgot the name of it..
OK I better get moving
talk to you later, Melinda

[OXYmom]

You are so welcome! My pleasure to help encourage. This is a marathon, not a sprint, a process, not an event, etc...you know that by now. But you also know that you can do this and it will make you feel so good to know that you took those thoughts/desires captive. I don't know if you pray, but that has been my lifeline. I am trying to get back to the real me, you know, find out who I am, but I know who God says I am so I remind myself of that, too. You can make it a couple more weeks....I really do know how hard it is. Our income's been cut in half. and that's with his unemployment. But, he has a dream and he is finally able to chase it. So, everything happens for a reason. I am sorry about your sis. I had lost my brother to suicide at Christmas, so just try to remember that you WILL see your sis again in this life. I know that still doesn't make it easy, but it could be worse, right?

Try to be positive when everything in you and your life is negative. It really does help a lot. I promise. I wish we could do a private msg, but if you want to talk, let me know and I will post my e-mail addy real quick (before it gets removed) and then I will take it off. Take care!!!

[Anonymous]

Hi Shoo
I was just talking to you on another thread, but thought I would come on your thread so you would see it, when I started working out I could only do 2 minutes a day on my treadmill but I worked up everyday...
I still use my I-pod today to get myself moving ..who sings that song you were talking about ?
I forgot the name of it..
OK I better get moving
talk to you later, Melinda

Well,..I lasted 15min. today!...I'll keep trying. It's hard when my old job required me to be extremely active and then that abruptly stopped and I layed around the past couple of months...what a difference. I am so out of shape!...oh!, that song I was referring to was "Love the way you lie", by Eminem Ft. Rihanna. (Never been a big Eminem fan, but love this song)

[melinda7.5]

Well,..I lasted 15min. today!...I'll keep trying. It's hard when my old job required me to be extremely active and then that abruptly stopped and I layed around the past couple of months...what a difference. I am so out of shape!...oh!, that song I was referring to was "Love the way you lie", by Eminem Ft. Rihanna. (Never been a big Eminem fan, but love this song)

15 minutes is GREAT and by the way I do like Eminem way back from 8 mile...I will have to listen to it the song you talking about..
talk to you soon, Melinda

[cheekysod]

Well,..I lasted 15min. today!...I'll keep trying. It's hard when my old job required me to be extremely active and then that abruptly stopped and I layed around the past couple of months...what a difference. I am so out of shape!...oh!, that song I was referring to was "Love the way you lie", by Eminem Ft. Rihanna. (Never been a big Eminem fan, but love this song)

totally love that song, the whole album is real good actually, cinderella man,
but the best one,

im not afraid, to take a stand
everybody come take my hand
we'll walk this road together
thru the storm
whatever weather, cold or warm

holla if you feel like you been down the same road,

so startin today im breakin out of these chains

great recovery song, in fact i think thats the name of the album,
turn it up REAL LOUD

great music

all the best
cheeky

[Anonymous]

THAT IS TRULY WEIRD CHEEKY!...I was just thinking about that song "Not Afraid", this morning...and was gonna post those same exact lyrics!.. Yah, your right- the album is called "Recovery"...the week it came out I started a detox program at an addiction center and the first morning I went to leave the house to go I was not happy at all! I hadn't taken anything in over 24hrs, my anxiety was sky high, I was alone and scared, and I was also angry as hell that I was gonna have to give up my habit....not sure if you can relate to that but, all the same.... so, I pulled out the drive, headed in the direction of recovery, and that song came on the radio. It was like a sign to me that I was doing the right thing I have been clean for 65days.