Klonopin/Vicodin HP withdrawal- help would be appreciated

[Kayeifo]

Hi everyone,

Here's a little backstory before I tell you my dilemma;

I'm a 22 year old male who started taking benzodiazepines in April of 2009. I dropped out of college and realized I needed help for my social/generalized anxiety that had been plaguing me for years.

Since I was looking for a quick fix, I went to a psychiatrist and he prescribed me Ativan right away and didn't say much of anything regarding addiction. I was pretty dense at the time and thought these pills would cure my anxiety over time and didn't realize they were only there to mask my symptoms.

Long story short, I started taking more than I was prescribed and felt really horrible when I'd run out (hmm, I wonder why) so I told my psychiatrist they weren't doing the trick and every session, he'd give me a higher dosage until I was taking about 8mg of Klonopin everyday.

One day, I decided I started to feel light headed and did research on Klonopin and found endless horror stories about withdrawal and addiction and it scared the you know what out of me so I did more and more research how I could taper off and I started tapering off 8mg of Klonopin last Feb. I made a jump from 8mg to 5mg at the discretion of other sufferers from another website and since then I've been making 1/4 cuts every 2 weeks.

Well it got to May of this year when the symptoms were destroying me in every way possible. I have a fast-paced job to pay for my health insurance, I had a relationship at the time, and everything else my life, I couldn't manage. So I decided I needed something temporary to mask my symptoms. I spoke with one of my (ex) friends about it and they told me to take some vicodin, it would make me feel like a million bucks. At the time, I was a mess and I went for it. 7.5mg of Vicodin made me feel fantastic for one day. I was with my partner at the time and everything was going perfect. So of course I wanted more, and more, and more. My relationship ended because of the symptoms I experienced without having Vicodin for about a week. The irritability and rage was something I've never experienced in my life so bam, went back, got more vicodin and until 2 days ago, I was taking up to 90mg worth of Vicodin HP. I've been broke. I haven't been able to make car payments. I haven't been able to do anything-- all my paychecks were going into these drugs. In the beginning of September I also up-dosed my Klonopin back up to 3mg (from 2mg).

I can't believe I let this happen to myself again. My supplier recently ran out and I'm now two days off of the Vicodin and I feel like hell. I know they say benzodiazepine withdrawal is worse, for some reason, I feel like this is worse for me. I had to call out of work today and I have off tomorrow but I have to go back to work Thursday.

I really don't want to tell anyone in my immediate family about this, let alone my friends. Does it really go away within a matter of days even at the dosage I was on? If I were to go to work today, I think I would have been fired. Usually I'd get up for work, pop 20-30mg of Vicodin and my day would be off to a decent start. I feel like I can't go back to work without doing that!

I need words of wisdom and support right now. I've never felt so isolated and ashamed of myself. The emotional pain is unbearable, the craving is SO intense and my muscles are weak, I've been throwing up, diarrhea, sweating, crying... How do you get through this when you're 22 and have a life to maintain? I feel like a child. Every time my phone goes off I jump in hopes it is my supplier. This is not who I am.

Please help.

[melinda7.5]

Hi everyone,

Here's a little backstory before I tell you my dilemma;

I'm a 22 year old male who started taking benzodiazepines in April of 2009. I dropped out of college and realized I needed help for my social/generalized anxiety that had been plaguing me for years.

Since I was looking for a quick fix, I went to a psychiatrist and he prescribed me Ativan right away and didn't say much of anything regarding addiction. I was pretty dense at the time and thought these pills would cure my anxiety over time and didn't realize they were only there to mask my symptoms.

Long story short, I started taking more than I was prescribed and felt really horrible when I'd run out (hmm, I wonder why) so I told my psychiatrist they weren't doing the trick and every session, he'd give me a higher dosage until I was taking about 8mg of Klonopin everyday.

One day, I decided I started to feel light headed and did research on Klonopin and found endless horror stories about withdrawal and addiction and it scared the you know what out of me so I did more and more research how I could taper off and I started tapering off 8mg of Klonopin last Feb. I made a jump from 8mg to 5mg at the discretion of other sufferers from another website and since then I've been making 1/4 cuts every 2 weeks.

Well it got to May of this year when the symptoms were destroying me in every way possible. I have a fast-paced job to pay for my health insurance, I had a relationship at the time, and everything else my life, I couldn't manage. So I decided I needed something temporary to mask my symptoms. I spoke with one of my (ex) friends about it and they told me to take some vicodin, it would make me feel like a million bucks. At the time, I was a mess and I went for it. 7.5mg of Vicodin made me feel fantastic for one day. I was with my partner at the time and everything was going perfect. So of course I wanted more, and more, and more. My relationship ended because of the symptoms I experienced without having Vicodin for about a week. The irritability and rage was something I've never experienced in my life so bam, went back, got more vicodin and until 2 days ago, I was taking up to 90mg worth of Vicodin HP. I've been broke. I haven't been able to make car payments. I haven't been able to do anything-- all my paychecks were going into these drugs. In the beginning of September I also up-dosed my Klonopin back up to 3mg (from 2mg).

I can't believe I let this happen to myself again. My supplier recently ran out and I'm now two days off of the Vicodin and I feel like hell. I know they say benzodiazepine withdrawal is worse, for some reason, I feel like this is worse for me. I had to call out of work today and I have off tomorrow but I have to go back to work Thursday.

I really don't want to tell anyone in my immediate family about this, let alone my friends. Does it really go away within a matter of days even at the dosage I was on? If I were to go to work today, I think I would have been fired. Usually I'd get up for work, pop 20-30mg of Vicodin and my day would be off to a decent start. I feel like I can't go back to work without doing that!

I need words of wisdom and support right now. I've never felt so isolated and ashamed of myself. The emotional pain is unbearable, the craving is SO intense and my muscles are weak, I've been throwing up, diarrhea, sweating, crying... How do you get through this when you're 22 and have a life to maintain? I feel like a child. Every time my phone goes off I jump in hopes it is my supplier. This is not who I am.

Please help.

Hi kao
I have been there I quit my klonopin sona and oxycontin and vic's at the same time needless to say I did not make it that time...I quit my klonopin and my soma and was pretty sick for awhile... then I quit my oxycontin and then did a taper off the vic's... you cant quit then all at the same time it is just to much !!!
Do you still have some benzo's....
and if you are into the vic w/d two days now you should start to feel better in a couple days..
let us know how your doing
talk to you soon,Melinda

[mottam]

KyFo:
Welcome.
Many/all of us on this forum have felt guilt, shame, isolated, disgusted, etc. What I have found out, and continue to learn, is to give yourself some slack.
You have some issues - resolve them. Take care of getting off of the opiates - then, insist that your doctor work w/ you to begin a manageable, reasonable benzo taper after the opiates are gone. That is what I have done w/ regards to opiates, and I am now beginning w/ regards to benzos. So, as you can see - you are not alone. Many on here have been where you are at, or are there now.

As some one who has been there w/ regards to opiate w/d, and is there w/ regards to beginning a benzo taper off of long term use, I could not agree more w/ Melinda.
Kick the opiates first. You simply cannot do both at once, and the opiate, while you may feel horrible for a few days, is over in a few days to a week.
Then, begin to work the benzo taper plan you get together w/ your doc.
There is a LOT of literature on how to taper on benzos properly - Google "Dr. Heather Ashton". Robert and/or Melinda can also provide the website url for you.

In the end - you do realize you cannot do this alone. I have had to humble myself so many times on this forum in the attempts to "get it right". It is amazing the feedback you get in the rooms of NA when/if you reach out. The first step is the hardest - getting to that first meeting. It starts to become a ritual, and then you actually look forward to going.

What ever course you take - make sure your doc knows, and is guiding you medically. You can beat this stuff - it takes some time, a lot of effort, and unfortunately some pain.

Best of luck.
mottam

[OXYmom]

Hi. I want you to know that you are not alone. All of us here have faced something similar and we know the H$LL it puts your mind and body through. It is awful. But, it is manageable. And, I am two days away from my 33 bday...and almost 2 mos off oxys. If I can do it, so can you. I also have a demanding job, two children, a husband, 3 dogs, 3 ballgames a week to attend, communtiy obligations, and church... These are all things that I am trying to learn how to manage without waking up and popping oxys! It is the hardest thing ever....I just want you to feel like you can do this!!

I think Melinda is exactly right that it is too much to stop all at one time. It is probably dangerous too. I wouldn't beat yourself up over the up-dose of Klonopin either. If that is what you had to do for the opiate w/d then so be it. The klonopin can be dosed back down again like you have done before. BTW- 8 mgs/day? WOW. This is what I take when I fly and also to sleep (when I was having a lot of trouble) and I took 1 mg and was out!! I guess it just shows how different we all are in the way our bodies respond or tolerate certain drugs. I still sometimes crave opiates, but I can tell you that constant checking your phone or hoping your rx is due, etc. DOES GET BETTER. I promise it does.

Posting here helped me so much when I was really struggling. So did walking, eating better and drinking tons of water and gatorade...Have you tried the Thomas Recipe? You already have some benzos to help with sleep so that is what would be the most difficult to get out of everything. Just an idea.....

Let us know how you are feeling. Are your phys symptoms bad? There are lots of people here to help with their own story or idea so just tell us what you need and take care of yourself.

[Kayeifo]

Thank you for all the responses. I'm at day 4 now. Last night I went out and bought L-Tyrosine, Vitamin B6, Fish Oil, Melatonin, Immodium-- pretty much everything that's listed on Thomas' Detox Recipe. I'm on an SNRI called Pristiq. I searched extensively online and couldn't find much about the combination between Pristiq and any of these supplements/vitamins. I'm just going to go for it. I've been taking hot baths with eucalyptus and chamomile salts which helps for a little while.

Today I also go back to work. I'm very nervous. I'm so used to 'being high' when I go to work. I actually work nonstop until next Tuesday. Wish me luck.

Thanks again

[mottam]

KyFo:
It starts to getter exponentially better day after day from the here out.
Great work - keep fighting.

Just one piece of advice: Take it one day at a time. If you think about all that needs to get done in one week - you can get overwhelmed. That can feed anxiety big time. I know that this sounds cliché, but take it easy.
One thing I have learned is that you just need to get humble and stay there. That doesn't mean you hold back feeling great about yourself and life. Just remember where you were at and where you are.

No sane person ever wants to go through opiate w/d again and again and again.

Kindest Regards
mottam

[Kayeifo]

KyFo:
It starts to getter exponentially better day after day from the here out.
Great work - keep fighting.

Just one piece of advice: Take it one day at a time. If you think about all that needs to get done in one week - you can get overwhelmed. That can feed anxiety big time. I know that this sounds cliché, but take it easy.
One thing I have learned is that you just need to get humble and stay there. That doesn't mean you hold back feeling great about yourself and life. Just remember where you were at and where you are.

No sane person ever wants to go through opiate w/d again and again and again.

Kindest Regards
mottam

Yeah, I didn't make it through work today despite taking those supplements. It was embarrassing to say the least because I always try to be professional regarding my job. I told my boss, listen, I'm sick and I need to go and he kept questioning me what was wrong. I simply kept telling him, I'm very sick, I need to go. Eventually he gave in.

I feel horrible but I'm relieved to be back home. I thought the 4th day would be easier but I feel the same, if not worse than yesterday.

[mottam]

KyFo:
It just takes some time, my friend.
Don't get down on yourself - tell yourself - every hour that goes by - is another hour clean.
That cr@ppy feeling ends - promise. Days 4 - 5 are usually the worse (from my experience), the good news is that you will start to see a marked difference when you are hitting 7 days. Hang in there - you are more then 1/2 way done w/ this w/d. Then you are free.
Dude, I have been free from those shackles for a while now - it feels great.
Life still stays crazy; you just deal with it w/o opiates.

In the end, you will thank yourself 1000x's over for not giving in, using, and messing up your recovery. At your age, this can be such a minor blip on your radar; basically, a memory.

Stay strong - do not use - just for today. Worry about tomorrow when tomorrow comes.

Keep posting.

Kindest Regards
mottam

[melinda7.5]

Yeah, I didn't make it through work today despite taking those supplements. It was embarrassing to say the least because I always try to be professional regarding my job. I told my boss, listen, I'm sick and I need to go and he kept questioning me what was wrong. I simply kept telling him, I'm very sick, I need to go. Eventually he gave in.

I feel horrible but I'm relieved to be back home. I thought the 4th day would be easier but I feel the same, if not worse than yesterday.

HI Kayeifo
Im just checking in on you...Is there any way you can just stay home for a couple days..
feel for ya..let us know how it is going
Melinda

[Kayeifo]

I was off them for quite a while but then all the sudden I felt like everything just died. Not sure how to explain it but anxiety, depression, aching-- it was still there but I think it was from taking Klonopin. I updosed to 4mg and every day was still painful. Life felt meaningless without the euphoria so I guess I 'relapsed'.

Working without Vicodin has been more than a challenge. I think about the mornings without the vicodin in my system while I'm driving to work and it terrifies me.

It seems like everything is happening at the wrong time. Going back up- say 8mg of Klonopin (POSSIBLY the amount where I could feel somewhat normal if I'm not completely tolerant) would be so disheartening for me after all that work I did to come down.

There's very little support for me. The anxiety would keep me from going to a meeting or to seek help. Right now I'm waiting to get more vicodin and feeling the withdrawal all over again. I've never been so ashamed of something in my ENTIRE life. Never. I try to tell myself that it isn't my fault but I know it is. I try to tell myself that I'm strong enough to get through all of these and be 100% clean but deep down I feel that's unrealistic.

I consider myself an atheist but there are nights when it gets so rough that I have to pray. I usually just fall asleep hoping dimensions somehow shift overnight and I'll wake up my normal self.

The main thing is I don't want to be alone through this. It's the part that scares me the most. I'm only posting here to get everything off my chest because I desperately need to. If I went to a meeting, I wouldn't be able to speak due to social anxiety. I would feel ashamed to be there. Sometimes I'll watch videos on youtube about other people's struggles but my mind will wander because I tend to think pessimistically and assume every battle is situational. I'll start to tune out...

I need strength to conquer this before it becomes a permanent part of me (if it hasn't already).

[BCboy]

good luck,its all down hill after day 5 physically,ur going to fine.