Just Tell Me What To Do

[HelpMeDownFromHere]

Hello everyone. I am new here and would very much appreciate any help you can offer me. I want to be opiate free by Christmas. My story is not unique, I will make it quick and to the point for reading sake. I can always elaborate if need be. In November of 2008 I had anterior/posterior fusion on L4/L5 and L5/S1 discs. I came home from the hospital on almost 400 mg of Oxycontin. I took myself off of all pain meds by June of 09', (my doctor wanted me on meds for at least 12 months). It wasn't easy by any means, I did it at home by myself with no help from any other meds. For six months I was pretty good, but by December my tail bone was bothering me a lot. I went back to pain management, my doctor said the problem was because of the surgery, he knew what it was and it had to be handled with an outpatient surgery. I did the surgery in January of this year. I had to be put under for it, it was extremely painful, but my doctor did not offer pain meds before surgery or after. Our business is income tax so I was sitting about 12 hours a day. The relief was minimal and only lasted 3 weeks. So sorry this is so long I went back in Feb., and my dr. told me he had to go in again, more aggressively to try and kill all the nerves that were coming down to the tail bone from those fused discs. Oh my goodness, the pain was unbearable. I did call the next day for pain meds because I had to work. His nurse refused me, did not even ask him, told me to take my neurontin. I don't take the neurontin because it makes me very drowsy. Went to my internist who knows my history, he gave me a script for Norco and I was able to work hard the rest of the tax season. He has been refilling them every month since then. In June I had a panoramic xray of pelvis and lumbar to see what was the problem with tail bone and my neurosurgeon told me both SI joints are severly degenerated. We shot them full of steroids, thought I was going to die, with no relief. Went to a new pain management doctor two weeks ago. I told him everything. Said I need physical therapy to stretch out both the coccyx area and the pelvic area where they took the bone out for surgery. Took me off the Norco, put me on Percocet 10/325. I don't like that drug. I don't want to take narcotics anymore. When I attempted to ct a couple weeks ago the anxiety came on super quick and was more than I could take. I have no support. If my husband thought for a minute I was trying to detox he would flip. We can talk about that later. So, I truly don't think I can ct, subs could be for me, but should I try to taper first? Please, please, somebody just talk to me. I've been crying all day because I feel so alone. This I know, God loves me, I love Him, He wants me to get off this stuff. I go back to pain management on the 9th of Dec. I start the physical therapy next Wednesday. I am a strong woman, I can take a lot. You don't have to baby me, just care. Thank you.

[HelpMeDownFromHere]

I will wait for someone to talk to. I have made up my mind, the first step. Could use some direction in regards to tapering or going directly to a sub doctor. My family does not know how many pills I am taking. My husband prefers me on meds, of course, he does not understand the merry-go-round. I am going to look for someone to encourage on this board. It helps me not to think so much about myself and that's a good thing. Thanks for reading. I hope to hear from someone soon. Marta

[yezdegerd]

I'm sorry it took so long for a reply, I was really pondering what to tell you in your situation because it's so unique believe it or not. Most people who are quitting on here are just random addicts or people who's pain has subsided. I'd like to tell you what I think of the situation based on the information I THINK I've gathered from your posts, but correct me if I'm wrong and if you feel differently please tell me so we can go from there!

Firstly if you're still experiencing pain, and a lot of it I do not suggest the suboxone route. Reason 1 is if you do need any pain relief you have to wait at least a few days before it will have any effect on you, and by then you'll be feeling pretty bad from suboxone withdrawal. Reason 2 is if taken over time even though it's a strong painkiller it's in your system 24/7 and your body normalizes to it, meaning the pain is going to start seeping through. This is a first for me as I've never recommended staying on painkillers but if you need them I highly suggest staying on them until the day your doctor tells you the pain should be subsiding. If you try and detox the pain will make you bedridden, it's going to amplify the pain in your back 10 fold. My wife has fibromyalga and when she detoxed she couldn't have her skin touched for a week, now every time she has a flare it's 10 times worse than before she took medications because she knows what relief feels like. I don't blame you for not liking the percs, oxycodone makes me feel zombie-like and irritable. If you chose to stay on them tell your doc you dislike them and get lortabs, 10-500. it's a step up from norco in the APAP and is hydrocodone not oxycrap. I'm only saying this because if you spend time detoxing then HAVE to use them again in the future for surgeries or anything than it was all for nothing.

IF however you feel your pain is now at a manageable level and you won't be needing any more surgeries ignore everything I just said! There is no reason to taper if you chose the suboxone route, you just have to wait until you are at a 26 on the COWS sheet, before taking your first dose of suboxone. The COWS sheet is a score card that tells you where you are in your withdrawal. You don't want to take it to early because if the oxy is still in your receptors the sub will force it out and cause really bad withdrawal. Also if you are going the sub route 99.9% of doctors are moron quacks who are gonna try and overdose you on suboxone. DO NOT DO IT! They started me at 16mg, terrible idea. I felt like a robot. Robert_325 is the expert sub person on these forums who can walk you through the induction when he's not super busy, he also has his taper method stickied on these forums. I suggest checking that out also.

[HelpMeDownFromHere]

Thank you Yez for the reply. I am crying just because you answered me. I don't know how much of the pain is real anymore. I have been over doing the meds for about 6 months now. The information I have read on this forum has made me decide to get off of them to at least know where I am really at. I refuse to have one more surgery until I know the answer to that question. I have read Robert's sticky on subs, but do not know where to look for his taper plan. The truth is I am already irritable, sad more than I used to be, and I just don't feel very well most of the time. The pain is really yucky in the morning and if I do too much. Because I have I believe enough pills to do a semi proper taper, I'm thinking that might be what most of you in the know would recommend. Please ask me anything you need to so we can start somewhere. If you know exactly where to look for Robert's taper plan, that would be great. Again, you blessed me just by answering. I look forward to hearing from you. Marta

[yezdegerd]

Yeah after being on subs for 3 months currently I am no longer an advocate of them, in fact quite the opposite, but if you want to attempt to quit for a while to check your pain level, which btw is a good idea because after taking pain meds for a while the pain is amplified so you never really know what your pain level actually is then please let me know how many pills you have, what type of pills and what mg. I'll try and give you the best taper plan possible

[HelpMeDownFromHere]

Again, thank you so very much. I have 40 10/325 Norco and 75 10/325 Percocets. My husband gives me 5 of the Percs a day thinking I don't know where they are, I do. Obviously, I am trying to do this as smoothly as possible, not asking for miracles, it's my own fault I have been taking so many Norcos. When I first got the Percs I was taking two at a time instead of the prescribed one, but had no prior experience with this drug and quickly discovered that I do not like the way I feel at all on them. Pretty much went back to 10 Norco a day and kept putting what my husband gave me back in the bottle to make up for the extra I had taken. It was while I was doing this that I started to ask myself what I was doing. How bad is the pain really? I need the accountability Yez, even if it's to someone I don't know. Let me know what you believe the plan should be. I am a good rule follower in every other area of my life. In my heart I know this has to change. I appreciate you. Marta

[yezdegerd]

The whole point of tapering is getting your body used to having a very low dose to nothing at all. So if your average is 10 a day drop to 5. Seems like a big drop but 50mg daily is high enough to not have any WD, you just won't be as "high". If you're anything like me and wake up achey and groggy start by taking 2 when you wake up, then 1 every 4 hours. Do this until your body adjusts, generally 2-4 days. After that you'll go at your own pace. Try knocking 1 off every time you feel like you can go longer without one. So if you can stretch each one out 6 hours then drop down to 4 a day, 8 hours 3 a day. You want to keep your last doses at 10mg in the am and 10mg in the pm for a couple days, then break them in half so you have 5mg in the am then 5mg in the pm. You can also do this for a couple to a few days until your ready for the jump. At the end you'll want to take your last 5mg dose in the pm right before bed. Go the entire day without one, then a 5mg. That's hopefully your last day.

I also suggest using the norco. If you plan on stretching this out for 3+ weeks then start with the percs because they are stronger and harder to come off of, you don't want to use them in the end if you don't have to. Do not rush this. Really only lower your dose when you feel stable enough to do it. It really is a marathon not a sprint. So many people try to rapidly detox and end up in relapse because they crumble. By tapering like this you'll experience being without pills for longer periods of time. One more key thing to remember, if you get to the end and go a day, 2 days, 3 days whatever and happen to slip, try and keep it at the lowest dose possible and do not give up! I can't stress that enough. So many people make it a few days and freak out and go on a binder feeling like a failure. You're not a failure, just keep pushing past it. Best of luck. I'm always here if you have any questions!

[rm2010]

I am on suboxone..for about 11/2 months now. What was your experience? I have been having horrible mood swings on it.

[yezdegerd]

I am on suboxone..for about 11/2 months now. What was your experience? I have been having horrible mood swings on it.

I started on suboxone but heard that it can cause irritability so I switched to subutex, I felt fine for a few days but now I feel real bad again. Honestly I hate it, but I'm to afraid to quit and relapse. I feel like a robot in the mornings and generally just am unhappy

[HelpMeDownFromHere]

Okay Yez! Will start in the am with the Percs, only because I don't have enough Norco to do it correctly. Maybe the first 8 to 12 days okay? But dropping the dose as soon as I feel stable. Is it going to make a big difference if I use the Percs in the morning and then space out the rest of the day with Norco? Probably not, I don't notice that the Percs are stronger though I know they are. It's is absolutely not about being high, that stopped awhile ago, it is truly about doing this correctly without affecting my family. I will post probably more detail than you want to hear because I no longer want to be living a secret. It has been breaking my own heart. Thank you for caring. Marta

[tigerlily05]

Hi Hun..

I am so sorry I didn't see your post but I have now and I am back at you.. You can do this but it will take time. I tried the taper route with the Norco's but I couldn't do it so I relapsed but that doesn't mean you will and if you do, then start again, you will do it, just start tapering by cutting your doses and your mgs.. If you find you can not do it by tapering off the opiates and you go the sub route, then follow Roberts link I gave you below on how to induct, taper and be off everything you have been on including the subutex forever. I also couldn't cold turkey because I couldn't take off the time from work to go through the w/d and then I found Robert325 and Melinda. The most wonderful people you will ever meet.

Here is Robert's link to using suboxone or subutex for opiate withdrawals http://www.drugs.com/forum/featured-...apy-50887.html also there is Thomas Recipe here http://www.drugs.com/forum/featured-...wal-35169.html.

When I talked with Robert and told him I was going to go the sub way he told me to try and get subutex from my dr. I went to him and told him what I wanted to do and that I wanted to use the subutex and thats what he prescribed for me.. a regular dr. can prescribe subutex for you as long as he says he is using it for pain not for detoxing. I have done fine getting off the opiates with subutex and tomorrow I am starting my tapering off the subutex.. I cannot wait to be drug free. You do not want to go to a suboxone Dr. they will rip you off and over medicate you. Try to talk with one of your regular Dr.s and not your Pain Mgement Dr. be honest with them and you will be surprised what they will do to help you. I was honest with my Dr. and he has been helping me. Trust me I am not an expert at anything, I have just been learning this all recently from Robert & Melinda and reading a lot.

My story very short is: 1982 had a motorcycle accident crushed and broke just about every bone in my body and in the hospital 7 mths and body casts for about 3mths.. never took a pain pill after I came out of the hospital but have been in severe pain all my life.. had a stroke last year came out of the hospital with Norco and thats the end of my story.. have no idea when I became addicted but I did really bad. Now I am going to clean my life up.

Anyway I will be quite for now, but will keep up with you and how you are doing and help however I can.. just keep posting to us so we know you are ok.. sorry for the long post.

Martha

[HelpMeDownFromHere]

Thank you tigerlily, I have followed your story and you are the one who gave me the most hope that I can do this. I am trying to not feel sorry for myself, as I have no one else to blame, but I do feel very alone. My husband asked me this morning how the pain pill thing was going. He has no idea what a burden this has been to me and whenever I have tried to talk about it he comes back with a response of "Well, this is your life now", or "It's only a problem when you take too many". My family has been really spoiled by me. They do not like to be inconvenienced. I know it sounds harsh, but it is true. Like I said, there had never been a narcotic in our home until 2007. That's why I have to do this for me, and do it as secretly as possible. I have been crying all morning. Two weeks ago I was in bed and it hit me that I had taken 16 pills two days in a row. 160mg What!? That's when I knew I had to take matters into my own hands and make an honest effort to get off the pills. I read every day on this forum for two weeks for hours every day. I believe this is what is best for me and I certainly know it is going to be hard. Seriously, it's not like I am out of meds or there isn't a script waiting for me. Obviously I could continue on my merry way. It's not merry though, it's unsettling and scary. I have taken my pills this morning at 6am (I'm in California), like yez told me to so I am not to take anything again until 10. I will do this. You will not know how much I appreciate you taking the time to talk to me. I need it. I will post all day if I have to. Marta

Hi Hun..

I am so sorry I didn't see your post but I have now and I am back at you.. You can do this but it will take time. I tried the taper route with the Norco's but I couldn't do it so I relapsed but that doesn't mean you will and if you do, then start again, you will do it, just start tapering by cutting your doses and your mgs.. If you find you can not do it by tapering off the opiates and you go the sub route, then follow Roberts link I gave you below on how to induct, taper and be off everything you have been on including the subutex forever. I also couldn't cold turkey because I couldn't take off the time from work to go through the w/d and then I found Robert325 and Melinda. The most wonderful people you will ever meet.

Here is Robert's link to using suboxone or subutex for opiate withdrawals http://www.drugs.com/forum/featured-...apy-50887.html also there is Thomas Recipe here http://www.drugs.com/forum/featured-...wal-35169.html.

When I talked with Robert and told him I was going to go the sub way he told me to try and get subutex from my dr. I went to him and told him what I wanted to do and that I wanted to use the subutex and thats what he prescribed for me.. a regular dr. can prescribe subutex for you as long as he says he is using it for pain not for detoxing. I have done fine getting off the opiates with subutex and tomorrow I am starting my tapering off the subutex.. I cannot wait to be drug free. You do not want to go to a suboxone Dr. they will rip you off and over medicate you. Try to talk with one of your regular Dr.s and not your Pain Mgement Dr. be honest with them and you will be surprised what they will do to help you. I was honest with my Dr. and he has been helping me. Trust me I am not an expert at anything, I have just been learning this all recently from Robert & Melinda and reading a lot.

My story very short is: 1982 had a motorcycle accident crushed and broke just about every bone in my body and in the hospital 7 mths and body casts for about 3mths.. never took a pain pill after I came out of the hospital but have been in severe pain all my life.. had a stroke last year came out of the hospital with Norco and thats the end of my story.. have no idea when I became addicted but I did really bad. Now I am going to clean my life up.

Anyway I will be quite for now, but will keep up with you and how you are doing and help however I can.. just keep posting to us so we know you are ok.. sorry for the long post.

Martha

[HelpMeDownFromHere]

Good afternoon to everyone. I think maybe I should go away for a couple of days to start this taper. I let myself get good and down before I made this decision and it's not going to fix itself overnight. At first I kept beating myself up wondering why I can't just do what I did last time last year. Just got fed up with the everyday pill thing, said that's it, went in the garage, that's my prayer closet, cried out to the Lord for days and weeks, and time took care of the rest. Yep it hurt, yep I was very depressed, wanted to leave my family, didn't go anywhere for a month. But I did my mom and wife stuff and prayed and cried and relief came slowly and sweetly. I know I can't do that this time, I've already tried. I'm 52 and I believe the opiates have been masking most of my menopause symptoms. The anxiety I felt was as bad or worse than the pain. Need to do it right. Cannot care what anyone else thinks. Need to stay kind. Need to stay close to God. What about the Soma you guys? Should I be taking it or no? Is it addictive? Thank you. Marta

[tigerlily05]

Well I understand everything you are going through, have been doing the crying, thinking and reliving it over and over but you need to stop dwelling on that like I did and start saying to yourself "I am going to be normal again, I can do this" and do it.

You should get all the ingredients on the Thomas Recipe from the link I sent above and start taking these things when you get tapered down some on the hydros.. will help a lot for the in betweens specially the clonidine, helped me a lot..

You might want to be honest with your family and tell them what is happening with your life at this time and that you need their help and support to get you through this addiction and we are here to support you. Don't let anyone hold you back from getting clean and healthy. I have no one and been going this alone myself and I am doing fine. So stay strong and we will be here to help as much as we can to get you better.

I just saw you're last post.. you can do this, just start cutting your hydros back, I think yez gave you a good example. You will be able to do this. just keep posting here letting us know how you are doing.. hugs and we are all here for you.

[HelpMeDownFromHere]

tigerlily, thank you for the encouragement. I made a hesitant attempt at telling my husband and as soon as I mentioned I was seriously thinking about tapering he got mad and said "Great, so we can watch you lay in bed for days." Not kidding, and I'm not mad. He believes I should follow doctors orders no matter what. I will keep putting what I don't use of the percocet back in the bottle and I will make every attempt to wean myself down. If it at all looks like I will not be able to do it, I will take your advice about talking to my own physician. I have everything I need for the thomas recipe as I have been planning this for a while. I am going to start walking today with my dog and plan on doing it everyday weather permitting so it will be a habit by the time I get down to no pills. I don't have the clonidine but my dr will be happy to give it to me. I have to look at why the increase though tiger, was it physical or emotional? Those things need to be dealt with also. I can for sure say that I haven't felt cared for for a really long time. I'm not going to think about the pain doctor appointment, will go to physical therapy on Wednesday, can't hurt to try, and I will decrease my pills in approx 3 more days. Do you really think I need the valium? I don't take anything like that so I don't know. Talk to me when you can. It's important for me to start getting some of this stuff off my heart and out of my head. I've been shoving too much down. Again, no one is to blame but me. Circumstances sometimes have made it a little easier to use more, but that's still been my decision. You are doing great and must be so excited for what is ahead in your very near future. Talk to you soon. Marta

[tigerlily05]

I understand the frustration from family. But it would be a lot easier on you if everyone understood and that yes we did it to ourselves no one to blame but ourselves, but that is in the past. It is now onto a happier and healthier life.

As like you, I will be in a lot of pain the rest of my life but I will deal with it.. Mine was physical hard bad pain but sometime in all that and again I don't have any idea when it became I had to have them no matter what the cost. When my Dr.'s prescription ran out then I bought them on the streets till time for the next refill very sad. I have never taken much of any kind of medication till I had my stroke last year. I am 58 yrs old and now an addict of hydrocodiene. But not any longer very soon, I will be back to my old self and move on and so will you. I will also be finding me an NA meeting (havent been able to find one close yet) or church. But I have you all here for now and so do you. get it all off your chest here. we are here to help each other.

I tell you with not being able to take off or control having hydrocodiene in the house the subutex has been a life saver and now to taper off it, I have not been on very high doses at all the past 2 weeks no more than 5mg a day and I am down to 3mg a day now and will keep tapering till I am done. Clonidine is a blood pressure medicine your BP will usually become very high when tapering or Cold turkey off of opiates and it helps to control your BP and an awful lot of the w/d syptoms. Valium was also good to have for the anxiety, sleep and other things. I never took any benzos till now and I dont take them now but they did help to have them when I needed them. just be careful when taking all these items. So if last resort comes to subutex then do it but I think you can taper down to none, I believe in you.

Thank you for the encouragement it means alot.. gone go eat my birthday dinner my sister has cooked for me.. Fried Pork Chops, mashed taters, blackeyed pease and cornbread.. nothing better.. hugs and talk to you soon

[HelpMeDownFromHere]

Oh my gosh, I want to eat dinner at your sisters. Happy Birthday!! I will talk to you tomorrow, I am taking my girls to dinner. Today was I good day, took 70mg instead of 100mg. I believe I can do even better tomorrow. A large part of me wants to dump everything down the toilet and go ct, but I will not be hasty. If I truly feel I can do that and get through the week of tough withdrawl I will. Hugs back at ya. Marta

[tigerlily05]

Thats awesome.. see I knew you could do it.. you might just stay on 70mg 3-4 days.. maybe do it Robert's way on his link.. stay at 70mg for about 3-4 days then take it down 25% stay on that 3-4 days take it down 25%.. If you scurry off this, then start over like he says till you can go 3-4 days, etc.. just read his link on the tapering part.. maybe having a plan would help you a lot easier dont know if you can use his taper for hydro but worth a try..

I know I have read that Melinda is really good on getting people tapered off opiates but they are not around much right now. they are very busy with remodeling their home and dont have much internet time with all the hard work they are doing and having very special time to each other.. they are 2 wonderful people that help so many many of us to become normal again.. maybe you can send her a note and when they have internet again she can advise you on what to do.. but keep tapering yourself now you are doing awesome..

have fun with your children and will talk to you soon

Martha

[axeman87]

I am on suboxone..for about 11/2 months now. What was your experience? I have been having horrible mood swings on it.

I am now 8 days into being suboxone free and I am finally starting to feel better.. I had mood swings and depression while taking the subs. Just 8 days after not taking it and getting through the worse part of the w/d I am really feeling a lot better..

[HelpMeDownFromHere]

[B]tigerlily, thank you for the kind words. Yezdegerd has already given me a taper plan and I am doing my best to follow it. I got up this morning just wishing it was over. I know everyone probably feels that way. It's just when you finally get your mind and heart ready to do this, you want to go gun ho and have it done. I knew Robert and Melinda were busy, I had asked her to talk to me in the beginning. By reading other threads I had seen they were working on the house and spending time with each other. You and yezdegerd have been great to me, I don't need anyone else. Just someone who understands. I'm scared about how this has a hold of me and am super emotional. I am withdrawing from life, want to be alone, not good with a husband and 4 daughters. Need to get over myself. I decided to make a small list of things that need to be done and follow it. Even if just like a robot. Don't misunderstand, I am present, housework is done, made cookies yesterday, helping with homework, I'd would [B]like[B]to not be here, even though it's not possible. Okay enough whining. Today is going to be a good day, I will accomplish things in general and in my quest for freedom from the pills. You my dear, have a great day.

To everyone in the fight, my hope is for your success for today. Today is all you have to think about. Today helps you move forward to your new life. Just handle today. Love, Marta

[yezdegerd]

[B]tigerlily, thank you for the kind words. Yezdegerd has already given me a taper plan and I am doing my best to follow it. I got up this morning just wishing it was over. I know everyone probably feels that way. It's just when you finally get your mind and heart ready to do this, you want to go gun ho and have it done. I knew Robert and Melinda were busy, I had asked her to talk to me in the beginning. By reading other threads I had seen they were working on the house and spending time with each other. You and yezdegerd have been great to me, I don't need anyone else. Just someone who understands. I'm scared about how this has a hold of me and am super emotional. I am withdrawing from life, want to be alone, not good with a husband and 4 daughters. Need to get over myself. I decided to make a small list of things that need to be done and follow it. Even if just like a robot. Don't misunderstand, I am present, housework is done, made cookies yesterday, helping with homework, I'd would [B]like[B]to not be here, even though it's not possible. Okay enough whining. Today is going to be a good day, I will accomplish things in general and in my quest for freedom from the pills. You my dear, have a great day.

To everyone in the fight, my hope is for your success for today. Today is all you have to think about. Today helps you move forward to your new life. Just handle today. Love, Marta

I know you want to reach the end, just don't get impatient with it. Learning to deal with the cravings and spending more hours during the day sober is extremely important. The anxiety from dropping cold turkey has something like an 80% chance of relapse without proper treatment. Not saying everyone who goes cold turkey fails, but there is a large number who have a higher chance of slipping, whether its a day or another long binge. Glad to see you're making it a habit of checking in here daily

[HelpMeDownFromHere]

Wow! If I didn't really know before why I overmedicate, I certainly do now. Please forgive the length of what I'm about to say, it has been a light bulb moment times ten and I don't want to shove it down and move on. My husband came to me this morning and told me he had written a check on our credit line at Wells Fargo for
$9,000 and it got returned. He said there is approx. $15k in the account so he doesn't know what happened. Said he called and someone will be calling back. He kept acting too casual (lots of yawns), repeated himself about maybe the check is old a couple times, blah, blah, blah. Then tells me the credit line is for 60K. I start feeling sick, it's for 60k, theres 15k left and you just wrote a check for 9k. I get it there is only going to be 6k left in this account when that check clears. First of all, while he's talking my mind is screaming why and since when do we have a credit line at Wells Fargo? We have a credit line at B of A and are in debt to the tune of $260k. Finally, after he is finished talking I say why do I need to know this and he says because your name is on it. Sob..... Guess what I wanted to do, I wanted to take pills. First time I see this about myself. And it all comes back in a flood. When the 14 year old daughter ran away I took more pills. When the same daughter was arrested with adderall in her purse I took more pills. When after my surgery my whole family left me day after day, seriously from day one home from the hospital, with a brand new puppy that needed to be potty trained I took more pills. When my heart got hurt I would take more pills. But I also thought about when I was off pills from June 09' to December 09'. Plenty of yucky happened then too, remember I have 4 daughters aged 10 to 22. When I was off pills and caught my then 15 year old daughter snorting adderall in my bathroom I did not want to use pills, it never entered my mind even though I was crushed and scared. When my oldest told me she had a venereal disease I cried but I did not want to use pills nor did I think about it. I never wanted a pill until I was in serious pain. But when I have them I use them to cope. No good! I don't want to be numb. If life is throwing curve balls at me I need to learn how to catch the damn thing, not pretend it's not there. Obviously, you still feel the pain of the poor decisions of your children and your spouse, but putting on rose colored glasses is my poor choice and has created an even worse situation. There is good to be seen everyday, the 10 year old still loves me very much and tells me all the time. Everyone is healthy, spoiled and happy. I don't want to be ignorant of what's going on around me no matter how much it hurts. I will do this. God is there for me. Thank you all for listening and caring. Marta

[yezdegerd]

That's the right attitude! It's also the hardest part of recovery, retraining your brain to deal with the everyday curveballs that life throws at you. When you first start coming off them it's overwhelming, it seems like so many things are coming at you at once until you start to realize that it's just life, it's not timing. Life is a gift, but it's also a fight. It doesn't matter if you're rich or poor, white or black, young or old there will always be dark times and struggles, there will always be deaths or family issues or poverty or whatever. Opiates should be renamed pandora's box because once you open them it's always in the back of your mind that a pill can take it away, not the money/stress/wd/struggles that also comes along with taking them

[HelpMeDownFromHere]

That's the right attitude! It's also the hardest part of recovery, retraining your brain to deal with the everyday curveballs that life throws at you. When you first start coming off them it's overwhelming, it seems like so many things are coming at you at once until you start to realize that it's just life, it's not timing. Life is a gift, but it's also a fight. It doesn't matter if you're rich or poor, white or black, young or old there will always be dark times and struggles, there will always be deaths or family issues or poverty or whatever. Opiates should be renamed pandora's box because once you open them it's always in the back of your mind that a pill can take it away, not the money/stress/wd/struggles that also comes along with taking them

First of all, my Sob was because I was crying not calling my husband a name. I don't do that, it doesn't solve anything. I remember from last year how hard it is to start over again. One day I told my daughter about a month after I got off the pills, "Man, you guys are really screwed up." We laughed. I did want to leave my family because I was seeing clearly how they expected so much from me without giving a whole lot. I also knew it was my fault. Fixing everything, cleaning up everyone's messes, making sure no ones's feelings were hurt, blah, blah, blah. Who can do that ALL THE TIME? After what I found out this morning I guess I should be glad that my insurance covered all my scripts, so I wasn't causing any problem there. I've decided to not confront on anything right now. I don't want to pick my battles, because I don't want to battle. Everyone in this house is old enough to take care of themselves with the exception of my 10 year old. And I would rather be with her than anyone. I'm in a fight for my life. I know I have to take it slow or I won't make it, thank you for reminding me of that once again. Okay, let's change the subjectHow is your wife? How are you? Let me know, I will keep you in my prayers. Love, Marta

[yezdegerd]

First of all, my Sob was because I was crying not calling my husband a name. I don't do that, it doesn't solve anything. I remember from last year how hard it is to start over again. One day I told my daughter about a month after I got off the pills, "Man, you guys are really screwed up." We laughed. I did want to leave my family because I was seeing clearly how they expected so much from me without giving a whole lot. I also knew it was my fault. Fixing everything, cleaning up everyone's messes, making sure no ones's feelings were hurt, blah, blah, blah. Who can do that ALL THE TIME? After what I found out this morning I guess I should be glad that my insurance covered all my scripts, so I wasn't causing any problem there. I've decided to not confront on anything right now. I don't want to pick my battles, because I don't want to battle. Everyone in this house is old enough to take care of themselves with the exception of my 10 year old. And I would rather be with her than anyone. I'm in a fight for my life. I know I have to take it slow or I won't make it, thank you for reminding me of that once again. Okay, let's change the subjectHow is your wife? How are you? Let me know, I will keep you in my prayers. Love, Marta

Haha, I can definitely tell you're going to get through this fine. You have a toughness about you and your willingness to accept, it sounds to me like you're half way there already and you just started your taper

My wife had to push her doctors appointment back a week, since Thursday is thanksgiving she had to work today, and tomorrow we are stuck spending the day at the DMV. It's an all day event in Las Vegas. As for me I take it 1 day at a time. Some days I find myself defending opiates in my head even after all this time. I'm one of those people who can give advice but never listen to it ;p

[tigerlily05]

Just home from work and just totally exhausted.. hip hip hooray for you, I am very proud, sounds like you have a plan and sticking to you.. hugs and you go girl.. we are in this together and you are going to do great..

just keep posting and letting us here from you and really sorry about all your pain from home life.. that is one of the things I did also, take the pills for severe pain then take the pills to forget life.. not any more will we do that.. hugs and will talk to you soon..

yez- woohoo to you also.. sounds like your are doing awesome, you hang in there with us here and we will all be just fine.. hugs

Martha

[HelpMeDownFromHere]

But you know the truth Yez, and when and if the time comes you will act on the truth. You are only responsible for what you know. There is nothing wrong with defending opiates. You know my story, there is no way I could have had any quality of life without them. But now I don't know where I'm really at pain wise. Don't get me wrong, like I said, mornings are painful, driving too long, sitting too long, and walking for too long also create real annoying pain. I know I could very well end up back on them, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Sorry Vegas has a crummy DMV situation. Have a good evening, thanks for talking to me. I am pretty tough, not mean, I can just handle stuff. Marta

[HelpMeDownFromHere]

Martha,

Sending a hug right back at ya. Sorry you are so exhausted from work. I hope you have a good night and get some good sleep. The family stuff is nothing new, I just let it slip by when I am on the pills. When I got off them last year everyone started walking around on their tippy toes. My eyes were open and I saw and heard everything and was not happy about it. I'm sure I'm in for the same type of awakening. It's a good thing. I feel blessed to care, at least I'm not in denial. Are yuo feeling okay? Are you getting ready to drop the subs again? Let me know, I am praying for you. Love, Marta

Just home from work and just totally exhausted.. hip hip hooray for you, I am very proud, sounds like you have a plan and sticking to you.. hugs and you go girl.. we are in this together and you are going to do great..

just keep posting and letting us here from you and really sorry about all your pain from home life.. that is one of the things I did also, take the pills for severe pain then take the pills to forget life.. not any more will we do that.. hugs and will talk to you soon..

yez- woohoo to you also.. sounds like your are doing awesome, you hang in there with us here and we will all be just fine.. hugs

Martha

[HelpMeDownFromHere]

I'm going to go down to 50mgs today. I have quite a bit to do, so I'm hoping to get past my usual times of taking pills to stretch out longer. That part is really a mind game. It's hard to believe the pill taking schedule I have got myself on. The plan is to make myself another list of things that need to be accomplished add a couple things that I want to do and before you know it "Vwala!", time will have passed me by. Yeah, right. It's okay, a new habit has to start somewhere no matter how corny or strange it may seem. My prayers are with all of you. Hope you have an awesome day and can see the light. Love, Marta

[HelpMeDownFromHere]

Good afternoon everyone. I will get on now and read up on how you all are doing and offer support and suggestions where appropriate. Today has been difficult do to family issues with the husband and the 16 year old. The stress has made me doubt the process I'm in. I just hate that I'm still taking a pill or pills so many times a day. I am seriously giving the subutex some thought. I have all the information I need because of this forum, you know, the COWS, talking to my regular physician not my pain management doctor, subutex not suboxone, etc. I don't want to take 16 or 20 pills just because I am stressed. I'd rather have a plan in place to take a pill or portion of a pill once or twice a day and then follow the instructions to get off that. I'm not confused, just need to decide which way to go.

Tigerlily and Yezdegerd, let me know how you two are getting on. I'm hoping today has been a blessing. Love, Marta