[inlovewithanaddict]

Ok so I did good not reading it. I just didn't know. I know how I would feel if someone read mine.

I have mentioned this site many times, and he has read my thread, when I printed it off Friday. He didn't say whether he would or not but for the time being he isn't allowed to use the net at his parents house and I haven't even thought about it for my house. I will mention it again because I know first hand what a help you all have been to me and I'm not an addict. I think this could partner with NA and help him through anything he encounters.

Tonights NA meeting is open and I've asked him if I could go with him. He seemed a little put off and told me that right now he wants to go alone, but he knew I was being supportive and that in a few weeks we could go together. Is this normal? I know he probably feels like its somewhere I don't really belong. And I know he didn't mean to offend me or anything, which he didn't. Is this just something he will need to get comfortable with?

Lost- He was just cussing. Not at me by any means. He never has, even on oxy's he never raised an ill word to me. He was pissed since he couldn't get to and stay sleep. He is back living with me. He stayed with his parents the first night but that was it. How did you incorporate your child back into his life. Was he kept from the child? Sorry if that cuts too deep, I have two children from a previous marriage, my ex husband and I have joint custody - I want to stress they were with me last week and have not seen him this week at all. They don't come back from thier dad's till Saturday, my question is do I keep them from him? They think of him as a father and he loves and misses them.

UPDATE: I just talked to him. He walked our dog around the neighborhood this morning and is feeling tired but good. What will help him sleep? I do not want to give him a pill. Would walking alot maybe tire him out enough to sleep or do we just have to wait until he gets through this? PS he is taking the vitamins recommended in the Thomas Recipe.

[Lost83]

My hubby's doc told him to take benadryl to help him sleep, he drank tea before bed and read his book to kinda tire his mind but from what I've heard and my husbands experience, sleep is the last thing to get back to normal post detox. It took between 2 and 3 weeks for him to get a normal nights sleep.

Only you can judge what is best for your children. While my husband was detoxing for the first 3 or 4 days I kept my son at my mothers for the sheer fact I didn't want him to see his father in that condition and he was only 10 months old. I brought him home after and didn't allow my husband to leave the house with our son as he was busted right before he snorted his roxy with our son in the back seat of the car (I WAS LIVID, HE IS LUCKY HE WAS IN CUFFS, MY SON WAS THERE, AND SO WERE THE COPS although I don't think the cops would mind much if I bapped him in the head before they took him to jail). He still doesn't take our son anywhere without me.

I would tell him know that you will not allow him to set a bad example for your children so he better think long and hard about stealing and using if he wants to continue to live with you. Ultimately he is stealing from your kids too, anything you've had to spend your money on to replace is taking from what you could be doing for your children. He needs to realize that you have a responsibility to those little ones to protect them at all costs and taht they come first. I was always scared that if he started using again he would get so messed up and drop a pill on the floor and my son would pick it up, ingest it and die. Very scary thought but if he would have gotten ahold of a roxy there's no doubt in my mind it could have killed him.

As far as the meetings are concerned, he may be too embarassed to share that time with you right now. Give him sometime, once he is more comfortable he may even ask you to come with him. He has only been to one meeting so give him a chance to get aquainted. You can still get involved with the daily meditations and reading up on addiction to familiarize yourself with things he is going through. It also helps you see the warning signs that he is either on the verge of relapse or already has relapsed. Relapse is not a requirement of recovery but it does happen often. Once he attends his meetings for a week or so I would start asking him whether or not he has met any potential sponsors. Just going to the meetings is great but it's not enough, he needs a sponsor to help him with his steps and give him guidance. Someone he can call at all hours of the day or night if he is thinking of using or doing something stupid. Someone who has been around the block and won't take any $hit from him either. Did he get any numbers at the meeting last night?

[inlovewithanaddict]

Ok great advise as always, honestly I don't think I could do this without you. Thank you again and I can't say it enough.

I might mention the benadryl but I doubt it would even work because his tolerance is so high to drugs. He said the one who I guess was in charge of the meeting gave his contact information out, he said it was sitting on like a snack table and the guy told them that he was available 24/7. I was impressed because he had his email, phone, cell, work number on it. But he didn't mention if he got any other numbers. I'll be sure to ask him when I get home this evening.

[inlovewithanaddict]

His meeting is at 12 today. I've decided I'm going to my own meeting as well when I get off work. I'm hoping this will help me better understand what he is going through and get more resource tools to help him. He got more sleep last night than he has since this whole process started. Him and a buddy I trust are going to do some light working out today to help him feel better.

Lost- I need some quick tips on keeping my temper under control. Last night he said something and I completely went off on him. And the worst part of it, the anger is coming from me being hurt by his addiction. The fight went from someone coming over at 10pm to me talking down to him about his addiction. Will me going to meetings help me cope with my anger and resentment towards him? I love him with my entire heart but is that enough to get through this? To forgive and move forward?

[Lost83]

I personally have not attended a Naranon meeting but I've heard nothing but good results from others who have gone. I too found myself angry and picking at him for stupid things. Throwing his addiction in his face isn't the best idea for either of you. It just makes you more angry and doesn't resolve the issue at hand. When you find yourself that worked up take walk, grab the dog and run out the door. Cool down then come back and discuss the issue rationally. I understand the resentment and anger very well and know exactly how you feel, betrayed, used, manipulated, the list goes on and on but we must remember what we were all taught as kids, two wrongs don't make a right. If you want to see him through this and you see he is putting forth the effort to work his recovery program, cut him some slack. Tell him you love him and that you are proud of him.

What was the issue last night? Did someone come by or was he asking if someone could stop by? He has to feel like he can trust you, I know it's ironic, they are the ones that broke the trust yet we are the ones that want them to trust us and talk to us. It's normal to be angry and upset who wouldn't be. He has been trying, currently detoxing, attending his NA meetings, cleaning the house, walking the dog etc. Cut him a little slack, i know it's hard for you, but he is physically and mentally going through BIG changes right now. Go to your meetings, learn how to deal with these feelings of hurt and anger so you don't hinder either of your recoveries.

Below is 2 paragraphs from Roberts very first post to me, I was in the exact same spot as you are right now. These words have stuck with me through this entire ordeal.

Quoting Robert

"Remember that you don't have to forget all the garbage he did while in active addiction. But if you guys are going to move forward and be happy together you are going to have to forgive. You may find out he has done something you are not able to forgive him for. If that is the case so be it. But unless he did something REALLY bad it would help this healing process for both of you if you could let this all go for now and concentrate on recovery.

It can be hard to just let things go. But if we plan to be with someone forever this is only a bump in the road. It can be turned into more than that very easily. But if you bite your tongue, stick in there with him as it seems you are trying desperately to do right now and realize that this needs 100% effort from both of you ... well you can have the person back that you fell in love with. This is a very critical time for you as well as him. Don't allow him to run over you. Don't tolerate anymore lies. But if he knows you are willing to let the past go, if he sees you still want to be with him even after the lies and deception from the addiction, if he is truly worth saving then he will come around after seeing the support you are showing him. "

[inlovewithanaddict]

the issue started with some friends of his that are complete straight edges (people who don't drink, cuss, smoke, or do drugs) wanted to hang out with him. I figured it was great, he could be around people who have great lives without taking anything and if he needed to talk he could, that and he wouldn't be sitting alone all day. So yesterday they hung out with him. Went driving around and just some 'good clean hanging out' as stupid as that sounds. I came home last night and they were all there still. Which was fine with me, they are friends of mine too. So we all hung out and talked and they decided to give he and I some alone time and went to grab a bite to eat. They were gone maybe 2 hours and he called them from my phone at least 4 times asking them if they were coming back, when were they going to be there, etc. It just felt like a huge slap in the face. Like I wasn't enough, and that is what started it. After I pitched my fit and went into my bedroom to sneak a cig (i've quit since its not fair he has to quit and i wouldn't feel right smoking in front of him) I started to think about it, and it really was stupid of me to get in his face like that especially since he has been with me since saturday - I don't know. I feel like a child fighting over a toy almost. And I hate that feeling but I don't know how to control it. I can't expect to be his 'saving light' that is just retarded. And I don't expect the sun to rise and set out of my a$$ either. Aggh, I just felt so petty after the fact. I told him I was sorry and he in turn was sorry. It was pretty much me throwing his addiction in his face because he didn't want to spend that time with me I guess. I don't know this whole process has made me feel guilty for alot of things. Some things I can control and others I can't.

It's like a line has been drawn. I have no idea where the line is and it moves as the situation changes. It's like I test the waters when the situation warrents...Does that make sense? I feel like my head is going faster than my hands. Let me know.......

[Lost83]

It's just something you have to learn to accept about him, he is always going to be an addict. If you can't accept it then it's never going to work between the two of you. I'm sure you have alot of resentment towards him being that you are working while he is home detoxing and hanging out with friends. Get him off his butt and tell him he needs to start looking for a job, sounds like the worst of the detox has passed. Once he starts contributing and your lives return to some sort of normalcy, you may find those harsh feelings fading into the background.

Right now your lives are consumed by his addiction which is enough stress to make anyones life miserable. Just take it one day a time, and when you feel yourself getting out of control, get away from the situation until you calm down and then come back to it when you can think clearly without the anger at the forefront. I think you would benefit from a meeting. You can say anything you want to these people without fear of hurting his feelings, you have to vent too. Or you could start a journal, I have one, it's right here on this forum. Some people need the face to face support to cope. If you are up for it, I say go for it, get some recovery under your belt. Letting go of the hostility and hurt will free up your heart for more good times with your children and your bf if he chooses to stay clean.

Good luck to you, take it easy, make some YOU time. I know you love him and are concerned about him but it sounds like you need a movie or girls night out. Take yourself out of the situation for a night and get some time to yourself to do what you want without worrying about what he wants or what he is doing.

[Robert_325]

Originally Posted by inlovewithanaddict

the issue started with .................................. felt like a huge slap in the face. ......................... After I pitched my fit ......................................... I started to think about it, and it really was stupid of me to get in his face like that ............................................. I hate that feeling but I don't know how to control it. ...........................I just felt so petty after the fact. ....................................... It was pretty much me throwing his addiction in his face .................................. this whole process has made me feel guilty for alot of things. Some things I can control and others I can't.

It's like a line has been drawn. I have no idea where the line is and it moves as the situation changes. .......................Does that make sense? I feel like my head is going faster than my hands. Let me know.......

I hope you take what I've done to your post the way it's intended. I've tried to emphasize the parts of your post that demonstrate your frustration and total lack of surrender to you guys problems. Then I made bold the parts of your post where you answered your own questions.

You are so mad at him, so mad that your life has been upset, and so totally frustrated with the addiction problem, that as you say you feel ," .... like my head is going faster than my hands.........some things I can control and others I can't." That says it all right there. The bottom line is that you can't control ANY of this realistically and it's driving you crazy.

You're going to have to settle down and try to relax or you will end up having a breakdown. I am sincere about this. No one can accomplish anything acting out strictly on emotion. It's obvious if you look at the little pieces of your post that is what you're doing. I'm not condemning you for it as it's easy to see why you're so upset. But this isn't the frame of mind to be in to accomplish anything productive.

Lost made some good suggestions, the best being I think that you would benefit from a meeting where you could see and hear from some other people in similar situations so you realize that your's is not so unique. We feel like no one else could possibly be going through what we are going through, but the fact is that LOTS of others are going through pretty much the exact same thing as we are. That is what the recovery meetings are all about. We find that we can identify with the other people there and it helps us open up to each other. NA says that there is someting therapeutic about one addict helping another. And it's so true. I think if you gave it a chance it might help you and your boyfriend both. That is just my observation.

I hope it didn't insult you that I tore up your post into little pieces. It was just the only way I knew to make my point. I always have the best of intentions. God bless.

[inlovewithanaddict]

Robert, by no means did you offend me. I know how crazy I sounded and how irrational it all was. And without reading what you or Lost wrote, last night I did exactly what you told me to. I went out to dinner with some girlfriends, one of which went with me to an open NA meeting. (I think my mouth was open the entire time) I was shocked and very informed by the time we left, we went and got a drink and it was great. Just not thinking about him and concentrating on myself. And letting it all go. It was awesome. I feel alot better today and not so much on the edge of cliff. Last night at the meeting it hit me like a ton of bricks to start practicing what I've been preaching!

I can't control him or his addiction, no matter how hard I try. I can only be there for him when he is clean with my support. But I do have control of my life and my choices. For some reason I knew all of this before but I guess I was just choosing to not actually listen to myself

[Lost83]

Good for you! There is a huge difference between knowing and doing. Glad you got to get out and have some YOU time. It's so important. Do you plan on going to another meeting? Was it NA or naranon?

[inlovewithanaddict]

It was just an open NA meeting, and yes, I'm going to try and go to another meeting. It sucks because the open ones are mostly through the week, so when the kids get back it will make it a little more difficult.

Lost- How long has your husband been clean?

[Lost83]

His last relapse was 12/21/08 and prior to that he had almost 70 days clean and the time before that he had over 30 days. It's been super frustrating to watch him keep taking 2 steps forward and three steps back. Hopefully this time he really gets it.

In my area I think there is only one closed meeting per week and several meetings every day. You can only do what you can. How did you like the meeting? Did you meet anyone or did you and your friend just observe? I like the NA meetings. I know it sounds sick but it shows me that things can always be worse and that all of those people have or had families so I am not the only one going through this and that yes, these people do feel remorse for their action and they are actively working on their recovery.

[Robert_325]

Originally Posted by inlovewithanaddict

It was just an open NA meeting, and yes, I'm going to try and go to another meeting. It sucks because the open ones are mostly through the week, so when the kids get back it will make it a little more difficult.

Lost- How long has your husband been clean?

I also suggest that you ask about a local Naranon meeting like Lost was asking you about. Someone at the NA meetings will know where they are held if there are any close by. If there are no Naranon meetings you would benefit from an Alanon meeting as well. It's just for the families/loved ones of AA people vs NA with Naranon. But the principles of both groups are identical. You would simply substitute drugs for alcohol to what they say. I am confident that at least one or the other of these meetings are available in your area. Try your best to check it out. You will be so pleased that you went I promise.

These family meetings are really good. You would hear only from other family members of addicts in your exact same situation. I STRONGLY suggest that you check out these meetings. They even have closed meetings and open meetings too just like NA. Their closed meetings do not permit addicts to attend so family members have an opportunity to totally let off some steam and get really good advice from others just like you without having the addicts sitting there listening to what you're saying about them.

I realize you probably don't have time to make meetings every night. But try to make each one you attend of value to you. I know the meetings for family/loved ones of addicts/alcoholics would be a huge benefit to you. The open NA meetings are great too and I am glad for you that you went. It's enlightening, even kind of a relief to see that you aren't the only one in your situation. Makes it seem not quite so hopeless anymore.

I don't know exactly where you live and it doesn't matter, but there are lots of NA meetings out there. If you need some help finding more meetings the best place to check is www.na.org. That is the official web site for NA world offices. They have meeting schedules and contacts for locations listed all over the world. You'll see how to find the meetings on the home page of the NA web site. It's very user friendly.

You sound much better today. Last night was obviously beneficial to you. I'm happy for you. Surrendering to the fact that we are not able to control what happens in life is a major step forward towards living in peace with some serenity in our lives no matter how little it might be. I will include you guys in my prayers. Take care and God bless.

[Lost83]

http://www.nar-anon.org/naranongroups.htm

Above is a link where you can find Naranon meetings in your area. They will most likely have meetings on the weekends that you can attend. Good luck, keep us posted.

[Robert_325]

Originally Posted by Lost83

http://www.nar-anon.org/naranongroups.htm

Above is a link where you can find Naranon meetings in your area. They will most likely have meetings on the weekends that you can attend. Good luck, keep us posted.

Thanks for posting that Lost! I can't believe that I didn't know about that link. Guess I never had to worry about getting to a Naranon meeting personally as I was always one of the people the naranons were mad with and trying to understand. I'm obviously grateful that I'm not a part of that group any longer and haven't been in quite some time. I still should have had found that link before now. I'm glad to now have it to share with others. God bless.

[Lost83]

Sure thing Robert, anytime!

[Lost83]

Hows it going?

[inlovewithanaddict]

Well we had a little tiff this afternoon about him being alone. He said that he can't be alone with this thoughts right now. And I came back with 'maybe that is exactly what you need right now, its not supposed to be easy'. He said it wasn't easy at all and that right now he doesn't even want a pill. So that made me happy to hear. He said that he was really looking forward to NA tonight. He really needs someone to bounch his thoughts off of who has been in his situation. I've told him to get on this site about 100 times in the past 4 days. Lost, I'm really worried about him relapsing. It scares me to think about it. He thinks its a problem that I worry about it, he says it shows that I'll never trust him again and that is a big issue in our relationship. But does he honestly think I can trust him? And after 2 weeks? Let me answer that for you......HE$$ NO!

Lost your husband the last time he relapsed was 70 days in....was he going to NA too? If you don't mind me asking, what lead to the relapse? I'm sorry if this is getting too nosey, I know this can't be easy for you seeing as his relapse is so fresh. I don't want to lose him. But I can't go through this for the rest of my life. And if he relapses' I'm done, and he knows that. (at least now he does) I mentioned to him that if someone gave him a pill right now he would take it, he yelled at me! He said " F*&k no, I don't want a pill, look at what it has done to me! I wouldn't take one if they were giving them away"

Now is that for real? There is alot of friction between us right now, mainly because I'm the type of person that when I'm pissed off or hurt or sad you can see it on my face. He knows me and even though I don't say anything, because I can only control me and my actions (saying this to myself daily now) to him he knows when its bothering me. And then he starts digging to find out what is really going on.

I'm just confused and about to scream

[inlovewithanaddict]

Oh there are not Nar-Anon group meeting im my area, the closest one is about an hour away.

[Lost83]

Nose away, I really don't mind, my entire story is on this forum.

Yes my husband is in either an NA meeting or court ordered group everyday of the week. He also told me he knew he couldn't use anymore because he'd go to jail and that he didn't want any pills. Big lie, not saying that's true for your BF but it's too soon to tell.

You shouldn't spend your days worrying about a relapse, it's like debating driving to work everyday because there is a possibility you might get into an accident or your car might break. Just deal with what's here and now. If he relapses, then deal with it.

Like I said in a previous post, if you plan on working through this with him, you are going to have to find some forgiveness in your heart, you don't have to forget and by all means don't let your guard down. Gotta go get my son, I will write more later.

[inlovewithanaddict]

I've had cysts on my ovaries in the past, when they burst it is very painful. One burst tonight and the doctor gave me Endocet. I didn't know what it was and when I got home a little while ago I looked it up. Its tylenol and oxycodone!!!!!!!! Should I even have this in my house right now?

I feel like this is almost like setting him up to fail. I have to have some sort of pain medication. The pain is unbearable.

So what do I do about the script?

[Robert_325]

Originally Posted by inlovewithanaddict

I've had cysts on my ovaries in the past, when they burst it is very painful. One burst tonight and the doctor gave me Endocet. I didn't know what it was and when I got home a little while ago I looked it up. Its tylenol and oxycodone!!!!!!!! Should I even have this in my house right now?

I feel like this is almost like setting him up to fail. I have to have some sort of pain medication. The pain is unbearable.

So what do I do about the script?

My ex-wife used to have ovarian cyst problems with them bursting. And it IS very painful. There is NO reason why you should have to be in pain with a legitimate problem because he is an addict. Keep your medication put away where he can't get it. If he got into your medication I would come unglued. You're entitled to medication with your condition. Hope you start feeling better soon. God bless.

[inlovewithanaddict]

Thanks Robert. I filled the script and put them somewhere where he wouldn't find them. Hoping to feel better soon. Oh, and he has decided to start posting on here. He read Lost's thread about her husband, he said that it really opened his eyes about what I was going through and what he has been putting everyone through.

I'll post again soon!

[Robert_325]

Glad you got your meds, hope you feel better soon. Also will be good for him to post. Hope things work out for you guys. God bless.

[Lost83]

Sorry I didn't check in this weekend, I didn't even realize there were new posts here. It's strange sometimes I don't get the email notification. Anyways, I agree with Robert, there is no reason why you should suffer all that pain in fear he will get ahold of your pills. Keep em locked up away from him and when you leave, take them with you. I hope you are feeling better soon.

[inlovewithanaddict]

So it's been over 2 weeks since I posted anything, and with good reason.....we are doing really well right now! I've been going to my own open meetings twice a week. He just got a job, and it looks like there might be light at the end of the tunnel. But I know I can only control me and my actions. He could very easily start this whole terrible process again tomorrow. But this time seems to be off to a great start. I just pray that we keep on this track of positive progression. Oh - Lost, going to open meetings really helped me deal with all of my resentment towards him, the open meeting I go to regularly I go during my lunch hour at work, and its mostly working women and men with a spouse/partner who is an addict. It's been so awesome! There are group discussions on things that I never would have felt comfortable talking about in any situation. But it has helped so much, not only my resentment towards him, but the resentment and anger I had towards myself, thinking it was my fault. Even though I knew it wasn't, I still felt guilty and angry. Thank you all for your support and advice. You've really been such a blessing in my life and during this time, and I hope that you will all continue to be. I'll post weekly.

God Bless

[Lost83]

I am happy to hear things are going well for you guys!

I probably should go to a meeting myself, but I won't. Been down that road, tried to convince myself and it just didn't happen but I am glad to hear you benefit from them.

Good luck to you and your family, I sincerely hope you all stay on the right path. I am truly happy for you!

[inlovewithanaddict]

Thank you Lost, and I totally understand that you have to do what is right for you. Not what's right for everyone else or what everyone else thinks is right for you. I don't know if you like reading but I found a couple of great books about coping with addiction on amazon.com. I will continue to pray for you and your family. My God bless you a thousand times over.

[Lost83]

Thank you! How are things going in your neck of the woods?

[mitchigan]

Hi Inlove,

Always nice to hear of a potential success story! For the addict that truly wants to recover support and understanding are two key componets. I'm sure your story will be an inspiration to many. Kudos to you for attending meetings yourself...knowledge leads to understanding and shows your support, as it is a battle best fought by the whole team. Hope God continues to bless you!