[corrlus]

Hello all, just found this board this morning. I've been doing some serious soul searching the past few days and I've come to realize that I am losing my life. Losing it because of the choices that I make over and over again. To give a background on myself, right now I am self-detoxing from hydrocodone. I can honestly say that it is a very tough, uphill battle for me and today I just feel like I want to cry. I don't know why, I feel like a shell of my former self.

I have been taking xanax 3mgs pd for over 5 years, and have had several stints where I would go on up to around 20-25mg pd. I finally decided a while back that xanax is something I feel like I need and taken at the right dosage might be a good thing for me.

But my newest problem over the past couple of years is going on painkiller binges. Everytime, it's at least for a month or two at a time, but I will totally lose control and even early last week was taking at least 10 10mg Loratab pd and either not going to sleep and taking them the next day also, or taking so many that I would nod out (always with a lit ciggarette) and burn the **** out my fingers.

I have done this binge thing with painkillers at least 5 or 6 times in past couple of years. So I have some expierence with quitting them. It just seems that now it is harder. As of this last Saturday I decided that I was going to get my mind back in order, I know what I am doing is wrong, but that didn't stop me. So realizing I only had so many left I started to taper off. But I tapered off at a very fast rate and would like some info on how long can I expect these emotional feelings, pain, ect. that I keep having. Yesterday, I dropped it down to 1 mg split in half and taken once in morning and once in evening. The constant urge I have all day to just go buy the **** and take 4 or 5 is there, but I am not giving in.

I now have 1 1/2 pill left, and am taking them halves at time and hoping for the best when they are gone. I feel like S**T.

Does N.A. classes work? What are they like? Are any of you afraid of being exposed as a junkie to people in your community? I really feel like going to some N.A. classes and just keeping it to myself, not telling family. But I don't know what to expect.. I just know that I need to get clean or I am going to end up dying from this ****.

Over the past two years, the pain killers mixed with xanax, and sometimes a lot of alcohol have given me pitted edema in my ankels. Swollen to at least twice the normal size. I am told this could be congestive heart failure? It only happens during times of taking enourmous amounts of pills. Has anyone ever got swollen up in the ankles, hands?

I know this post is long, drawn out and maybe without a point, but if it wasn't for the fact that I have 2 kids I want to be a good father too I'd probably just be junkie forever, or until it killed me.

Thanks,
Lost in OKC...

[AmyBreeze]

[quote]Originally posted by corrlus

Corrlus, I am at work so I can't post a lot, but you are on the right track.....it's going to be hard, but you have the determination and the will or you would not be looking at the board, nor made your post. I will write later, but just hang on, just hang on!!! It will get better!!!

Amy

[mpvt]

Hi Lost: Your not going crazy but you are addicted, no doubt.You are walking a very thin wire by taking xanax and loratab.These two drugs alone kill more people then you would believe.They both cause your respitory system to slow down,one of these nights your going to take your xanax and a couple loratab before bed and fall asleep and you stop breathing.They find people dead like this all the time,when you add alcohol to then your definately at a very high risk.You need to do something about NOW!!!!.Go to www.suboxone.com and there you will find a doctor locator.Get a list of doctors that prescribe suboxone(buprenorphene) in your area and start phoning for an appointment.Please do this asap because you are in great danger and believe me I wouldn't jump on you like this if I didn't think it was an emergency.Be careful with the xanax and pain pills as they will definately kill you in your sleep and there won't be a damn thing you can do about it.Don't drink booze either while your taking these drugs as it just makes it worse tenfold......Good luck....Dave