How did I get here?

[outofcontrol]

I don't know where to start. i am a 32 year old male who is married with two beatiful little girls. i am highly educated with an MA plus additional graduate courses. i have always been a party person and have experimented with just about every drug there is. about 8 years ago, i found a steady connection of percocets and started to abuse them with my wife. It started out rather simple. my wife and i would take two or three 5mg percs each and relax and watch tv on a weekend night. soon, it started to become every night. i am now stuck in a vicous cycle of needing 80 to 150mg of oxy to simply function. my life seems to be out of control. i tyhought i could control this and have found some sobriety with the use of suboxone; however, i always return to taking percs. i have put my family in finacial ruin. i feel like i have brought a plaugue into my house because of my wife becomming addicted as well. i am so depressed. i feel like there is no way out! i am a good person but i feel like a loser. despite my intentions, i can't seem to stay focused anymore. i am starting to feel the walls crashing in. despite tryingt o keep our addiction secret, i am starting to think that everyone knows. please help me!!!!!!!! i just want my like to be the way it was b4 i let this drug into my life.

[NewGTGuy]

I don't know where to start. i am a 32 year old male who is married with two beatiful little girls. i am highly educated with an MA plus additional graduate courses. i have always been a party person and have experimented with just about every drug there is. about 8 years ago, i found a steady connection of percocets and started to abuse them with my wife. It started out rather simple. my wife and i would take two or three 5mg percs each and relax and watch tv on a weekend night. soon, it started to become every night. i am now stuck in a vicous cycle of needing 80 to 150mg of oxy to simply function. my life seems to be out of control. i tyhought i could control this and have found some sobriety with the use of suboxone; however, i always return to taking percs. i have put my family in finacial ruin. i feel like i have brought a plaugue into my house because of my wife becomming addicted as well. i am so depressed. i feel like there is no way out! i am a good person but i feel like a loser. despite my intentions, i can't seem to stay focused anymore. i am starting to feel the walls crashing in. despite tryingt o keep our addiction secret, i am starting to think that everyone knows. please help me!!!!!!!! i just want my like to be the way it was b4 i let this drug into my life.

Hello outofcontrol. Your life can be normal again. Reaching out to this forum is a great first step. Read these stories and gain comfort from them. There are many people who have been exactly where you are today and experienced full recovery. They are now enjoying a pill-free life (all the more having broken through to the other side).

I don't have the experience to give you specific advise (I'll leave that to the others), but just know there is a solution and life will get better.

You can do this! You can return to normal again!

Much love.

Brian

[ARTIST658]

Hi "OutOfControl,"

I've been where you are - and I do understand. Yes, you can have a 'normal' life once again, but it will take time and effort. Sadly, we can slip into drug addiction a whole lot easier than finding our way OUT of it. But there is hope. There is recovery from this disease.

That's what it is - a disease. You are not a loser, you are not a bad or weak person; you have a disease called addiction. It happens to anyone, educated or not, upper class to lower class, and everything in between. Trying to "play" with such potent drugs as oxys or percs is a tragic game of Russian Roulette. These are not drugs to use recreationally, but what is done, is done. Generally, we have no idea how incredibly powerful these drugs can be, until we're already in the grips of addiction.

I would start with attending some meetings of NA or AA; both address the disease of addiction with a 12-step program of recovery. Addiction is not something that we can usually overcome all on our own; we need help. We need lots of support, and we can find that in NA or AA. I know it's difficult to walk into your first meeting, but relax - you aren't alone. Each of us began with our first meeting. No one compels you to talk - or to do anything else. In fact, you don't have to be clean of drugs to attend; all that is required is that you have the DESIRE to stop using. You can just listen, and learn.

As for stopping, there are several options. One is tapering down, if you are able, so that your dose is as low as possible before you completely stop. That will lessen the withdrawal symptoms. (Most of us have great difficulty tapering down, as addiction itself signifies the loss of control!) If you have a trusted friend who can hold the pills and dispense them to you on a schedule of decreasing dosages, that may help. Be sure it is a friend who can say "no" to you, when you are pleading for another pill!

Then, at whatever point you stop, you can try "cold turkey." It is uncomfortable, but not unbearable. It's over in less than a week, generally; the worst of it is about 3-5 days of feeling like you have a horrible flu. There is the Thomas Recipe available, which will help to deal with the withdrawal symptoms: http://www.drugs.com/forum/featured-...wal-35169.html

You can also go in-patient, at a detox facility for a short term detox of 3-5 days or up to 2 weeks. They should be able to dispense some meds to lessen the withdrawal effects.

As a last resort, there is suboxone, which is a narcotic replacement therapy. I don't usually recommend it, unless the addiction is quite progressed and the individual is taking a very high dose. Here's the link to read about it: http://www.drugs.com/forum/featured-...apy-50887.html Suboxone is a narcotic, itself; therefore, it is replacing one narcotic for another, and, in a short time, you'll need to withdraw off the suboxone. Note that you should NOT begin suboxone until AFTER you are in "full-blown" withdrawal. It is not a drug to take as soon as you stop using. Again, I do not generally recommend it. Detoxing without suboxone is not unbearable, and once it is done, it's completely done; there is not a substitute drug to contend with then.

Is your wife willing to stop? It will be very difficult for you to stop, if you continue to live in a house where your wife is still using.

I don't know if you are ready to do the footwork to address this addiction. However, I do want you to keep in mind that addiction, left unattended, will always progress. It does not ever go backwards, so that we regain control over the pills. It doesn't just stay as it is right now. Over time, we need more and more of the pills to gain the same "high" from them. The sooner you address this problem and stop, the easier it will be for you.

God bless - please feel free to keep posting - there's a lot of support here.

Ruth

[just_a_mom]

Outofcontrol,

Ruth has some excellent points in her post. One thing I would point out is that depression and opiate addiction go hand in hand. As you plateau in your use/try to stop, those feelings of depression and/or anxiety will get worse. I guess we have to pay the piper for all the euphoria that we got from the drugs in the beginning. Anyway, your post sounded really upset. Please remember that those feelings are from the drugs... you can and will get past them when you get healthy, but you also need to aware where they are coming from. Lots of people use antidepressants (I am one of them) while others figure that SSRIs are just trading one drug for another. That is a personal decision. Just be aware that depression can be part of the package and will get better when you are better.

Best of luck to you. Keep posting - people here want to help (most of us have been in your shoes and walked around a bit).

just a mom

[jujuh]

Hello, OutofControl. Reading your post was almost like reading my own story. My husband and I were (and are still) in the same boat, only we were on hydrocodone 10mg. Started abusing 8 years ago. Began much the same way you and your wife did. I worked in Information Technology for most of my 30 year career. I lost my job two years ago due to company closing (I never used pills while I was at work). My husband, however, used mainly at work. He also felt the guilt of getting me involved in addiction. I told him that he didn't force them down my throat. We tried many times to stop at the same time, but were never successful (never more than a week). This last attempt is still working. This is what we did: I continued my 70 mg. habit while helping my husband to taper down. He went from 12 or 13 10 mg. pills daily to 6 then 1 then 0. Once he had been off them for about two weeks, he began to work with me. I went from 7 to 3 to 0 over a period of a couple of weeks. My husband has been off them for about 6 or 7 weeks now. I'm on my 20th day. The first week is, of course, the worst of the physical symptoms. We both went through diarrhea, coughing, sneezing, runny/stuffy nose, fatigue, irritability (understatement), headaches. He had trouble with something akin to restless leg syndrome, but I did not. I had, and am still having, a lot of trouble with depression. He says he feels almost normal again. I still have a way to go, but I'm getting better every day. We are totally committed to succeeding. Like you, we are also in financial ruin due to our habit. We're struggling to pay the huge bills we incurred due to our habit. Neither of us are taking any substitution drug, nor are we going to N.A. meetings. I guess that works for some people, but not the way we wanted to go. Also like you, no one else knows what we've been doing (although we figure some may suspect), and at this time, we want to keep it that way. We have relied on God to get us through this. I have no doubt that my husband would never have been able to continue working without God's help. He went through the entire withdrawal process without missing a day of work. We've asked for God's help many times before, but we didn't put forth the effort. This time we decided we weren't going to disappoint Him, or ourselves again. We going to get our lives back! We're going to start enjoying this beautiful life we've been given, and the ability to be happy without drugs. We used to be happy on our own. We enjoyed going to the beach, hanging with friends and family, etc. All that changed when we got hooked. I practically became a hermit after I lost my job. I think shame had a lot to do with that. God has given us so many chances, and we've failed so many times. This time, we're going to make it. I still feel bad a lot of the time, have little motivation, and still don't feel normal, but I will get there. If you can change your routine, environment, etc., it will probably help. Sometimes that's hard to do when you're broke. I've tried taking a walk now and then, but sure wish we had the resources to get away for awhile. We used to go to the beach twice a year. We haven't been since 2002. I'm hoping sometime in the not-so-distant future, we can start enjoying life again. I wish you and your wife all the best, and just know that there are many, many others going through the same thing. YOU CAN MAKE IT!

[outofcontrol]

Hey guys, i know it has been alittle while sinc I have posted, but i fee=lt that i should update you all on my progress. First off, let me say thanks to all those who have provided feedback and support. I managed to say away from any percs or ocs for seven days and haf a breif relaspe last nite along with my wife. A friend of mine, who is also my supplier, was going down the shore for the weekend and before he left he put ten 7.5mg percs in my backdoor. he later sent my a text message saying that he had a bunch of extras and wanted to hook me up bc i have always been a releiable customer. My wife and i have been using suboxone for the past week and struggled on whether or not to take them or not, but eventlually gave in. It wasn't a terrible experience, we actually had a good night. We justified it to ourselves by convincing ourselves that we have been "good" for a week and deserved a reward. Only got a mild high from them but kinda fel like I let myself and my wife down by flushing our week clean. I only have about 1 and a 1/2 suboxone left that me and my wife split. i only need to take a 1/4 of an 8mg tab to feel fine for the whole day. i immediatley woke uop this morning and took another 1/4 and kept my mind off of percs by doing alot of chores around the house. i still feel motivated to sstop usng and so does my wife. We are not going to let this one slip up mes up our determination. i know now that my supplier is just trying to get me back as a customer, which is why he left those for me. i have since contacted him and told him not to do that again and if i wanted anything i would call him. i deleted his number from my phone. My main concern is what i am going to do when i rum out of suboxone. i am going to begin to take 1mg a day starting tommorrow to try and stretch out what i have left. i know some of you ahve suggested AA/Na meetings, but due to my line of work (I wont mention what i do) it is impossible for me to attend becasue if anyone found out i could lose my job. I really enjoy he high I receove from these pills and have to be honest, if it wasn't due to the finacial problems that i have, I probably wouldnt stop. i feel a littel better about my relaspe becasue it didn't cost me any money, bu it was still a relaspe. i am trying to loo at the postive side of things in that i only used one in an 8 day period, something that I haven't done in a while! Any suggestons on how to use the remaining suboxone? Should I try to locate more? I know it helps subside the withdrawals, but i also lik teh comfort of having soemthing to take everyday. It really helps with the anxiety. Once again, thanks for all teh feedback. also, does anyone know if valarian root will help me with anxiety? i have taken a few kloidopins this week which have really helped, but don't wanna rely on them and also do not have a steady connection for them either.

[newyorkgal]

I don't want to sound like Debbie Downer here but truthfully, I think you might not really be ready to stop. In your latest post, you state that you really enjoy the high; you say that if not for finances, you would continue to get high; and mainly, you took pills while you were on sub which, aside from being a waste of pills, should definitely relieve any real craving you would have had. Finances never made anyone really stop. A person needs to be ready, deep deep down inside ready, knowing they are going ot go through a rough time for a certain number of days. In your first post, I thought perhaps you were. In this last post, I think not so much. I don't mean this as a put down at all. Addicts are not ready until they reach a point where they've had enough.

[ComingHome]

OutOfControl, 1 is too many, and a thousand is never enough with pill addicts. The only way to do it is total abstinance. I have seen it time and time again. I can tell you that I have been attending NA meetings for 4 years, and I have never seen anybody that I know who could compromise my position in the communitty, and I have held high profile positions in fortune 500 companies. Financial problems from pills is a symptom of a much bigger problem with addiction. Addiction slowly creates havoc in ALL of the areas of our lives, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly - sometime all at once, and sometimes 1 by 1 - financial, relationships, emotional health, mental health, spiritual health, physical. Addiction is characterized by unmanagability in 1 or all of the areas of our life, and you clearly are experiencing unmanagabiltiy in your finances because of your addiction. Trust me, eventually it wil ruin your whole life, and eveything will become unmanagable. You are best off seeking help now. I've done online NA meetings - you may want to start there, but please, get help. We can't do it by ourselves. We can't fix our broken thinking with our broken thinking.

Good luck, and keep us posted!

Cominghome

[ARTIST658]

Basically, taking percs after a week clean has set you back to day one. You have no doubt triggered the cravings all over again, as that's what happens whenever we introduce narcotics back into our system after some period of time clean. That one evening will cost you a lot of needless suffering.

I don't have any idea how to taper 1 and 1/2 suboxone to help you at this point. Suboxone is not meant to be taken "willy-nilly" as needed. The link I provided in my last post explained exactly HOW to successfully and safely take suboxone, which you've apparently ignored.

People come to me all the time, saying they are desperate for help, only to put "disclaimers" on what they will do to get clean - and what they won't do. I don't have a dozen options on how to do this. There isn't a "Plan B" in my back pocket. Either you want it, or you don't. Either you are going to take this journey seriously - or you aren't.

You have to decide how badly you want to recover, and how willing you are to do the steps you NEED to do to make that happen. It won't be painless. It won't be easy. I can only promise you that it WILL be worth it.

God bless,
Ruth

[outofcontrol]

wow, i try to be honest in my posting only to get comments like im not ready to stop or im not taking this seriously. hasn't everyone here ever made a mistake? i can happily say that i havent touched another pill since friday nor havei had any thought to do so. i have no disclaimers to my sobreity. I HAVE A DESIRE TO STOP! i thought that being honest would provide me with some positive feedback, i guess i was wrong. i don't think that there is a person who has ever taking opiates who would deny that they enjoyed the high they get from them and if their is they are a liar. i have been reading posts here for a while and have begun to see a number of people complaining about all of the negative feedback they receive, i now understand why! what i was trying to say is that the financial problems that i have incurred have been the wake up call for me. i do recognize the harm that they are doing to my family. as for AA/Na meetings, losing my job is not the solution to my problem and to be frank, i look at AA/Na as a form of a cult. i don't need a bunch of strangers in meetings, most of them are usually high ( i have been to them before with a friend) hugging me telling me that it will be ok. i am determined to remain sober but am not niave to the fact that i will probably mess up from time to time. i am not planning to do so but i am a realist. i think that i will probably find another more supportive outlet to share my thoughts and feelings becasue negative feedback is not what i was looking for when i posted on this forum. i beleive the rules of this form state constructive and positive feedback only. I am proud of myself for only having one screw up in ten days. to me thats alot better than using everyday. I do want to recover and am taking the steps that i need to take in order to do so so I leave you all with this question: Haven't any of you ever made a mistake when you were trying to get sober? I have read a number of posts from people saying that this is their 5th or 6th time trying to get clean and all they get is "good for you" and "you should be proud of yourself" Oh and by the way, I haven't taken any suboxone today and feel absolutly fine so i think that saying I am back to day one is a little extreme.

[just_a_mom]

Out of control,

So sorry you felt attacked. That is never a good feeling. Most of us are recovering addicts so we have all been in your shoes at one point or another. Please remember that most of us have relapsed (myself included) on the journey to getting clean. It is painful to see someone else repeat our mistakes. Darn painful. I too read with alarm your statement "I really enjoy he high I receove from these pills and have to be honest, if it wasn't due to the finacial problems that i have, I probably wouldnt stop." For us, that is a major red flag. It is scary. We want you to be successful. Lots of us addicts have hit 'false bottoms' before... lack of money, family issues, rehab, etc. but then figured out a way to keep getting high. Getting clean and staying clean is so hard... trust me when I say we ALL want you to be successful. The other side of that is trying to point out things that may trip you up so that you can address and deal with them. I tend to harp on cutting off access to pills (just b/c if I had access, I would use - my problem so I always bring it up) while others identify with things like family/friends who use (and suck you back in), etc.

Have you thought about seeing a psych or doc about antidepressives or anti-anxiety meds? If you tend towards depression/anxiety, then quitting will be very difficult when those feelings are elevated b/c of the opiate withdrawl.

Best of luck,

just a mom

[ComingHome]

Outofcontrol, people on here just want to help you. We've all been through similar thought patterns/situations in our addiction, and you can use the vast experience on this board to your advantage if you remain openminded. You've already shown some willingness by showing up on this board. The HOW to do this is Honesty, Openmindedness, and Willingness. Yes, we have made mistakes, and we don't want you to make the same mistakes we already have. You should be proud of yourself for what you have accomplished so far, but I encourage you to keep that willingness and increase your openmindedness. I don't know of anyone who has beat this thing (long term) alone. So, you are on the right track by seeking help. Keep seeking help from anywhere you can get it. The easy part is stopping. The hard part is staying stopped.

Good luck,

ComingHome

[newyorkgal]

I am sure my post was one of those you considered "attacking" and "negative". I promise you I didn't mean it that way at all. Most if not all of us have relapsed numerous times. There is nothing unusual about that. As just a mom said, there were definite red flags in your post. I was just being honest and I encourage your to look inward. Alot of us weren't and aren't ready to stop. It's hard and as stated above, harder still to stay stopped. I meant no harm and support your efforts to date. Keep up the good work.