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Here goes nothing...
Here goes nothing...
Hi everyone. Let me first start by saying I've read thru a bunch of threads tonight and I've almost literally been moved to tears and probably would have if it wasn't for the crying session I had earlier tonight(more on that later). Some of you are an inspiration to me and I hope to just feel like myself again soon.
Here's my predicament. I am 25 years old (since april 15) and I have been taking 30 mg percocet "just for fun" for about 2 and a half years. It started like they all start. I was doing maybe 3-4 pills a week. Halfs at a time. Which eventually turned into 1 a day, basically every day. I know a lot of people have gone thru addictions while taking MUCH more than just 1 a day but this is just my situation. I have gone a day or 2 here and there because not being prescribed them, it just gets to expensive. So, now it's been over 2 days since I've taken a 30. Not gonna sit here and say how awful my w/d symptoms are, because I'm sure compared to some of you, what I'm going thru is nothing. Although I have had a lot of trouble sleeping and the usual depression and boredom that comes from it. Now about the same time I started using regularly (2 and a half years) I started going to the gym after work a few times a week, or should I say 1 week. On about the 3rd day at the gym, I finished my workout, went home and went to hang out with a good friend. I've been a regular cannabis user since i was like 16 and have never had a problem. This night I actually started getting chest pains after I smoked. Nothing too bad, but for a fairly healthy person like myself, it concerned me. When i was at home later that night, I felt palpitations(or what i thought were palps) and drove myself to the emergency room. Everything was fine and i got sent home. The next week, I again found myself feeling my heart in my chest and went to the ER again, the doctor didn't seem to concerned but said my heart rate was high when I came in, so he prescriped me a 48hr monitor. This was in March/April 2010. I kind of ignored my problem (with my chest) until November of that year when I told myself I should really see a doctor. I went to a doctor where she asked me questions and sent me to get an echocardiogram and prescribed me the monitor. That day, she told me I had a skipped beat which may just be from anxiety. I went and got my tests done but again I just dealt with this problem until last week I finally went back to the doctor after a year and a half. Now, since this chest thing started I have not been able to enjoy marijuana unless I was on Percocet at the same time. If I smoked cannabis alone, I would go into a freak out mode thinking I wa shaving a heart attack and that their was something wrong with my heart. So, when I went to the Dr last week she gave me the results of my echo and monitor and thankfully she said everything was fine with my heart and she attributed my problem to anxiety/depression and prescribed me escitalopram. Since this thing with my chest has started, I have taken the percs to help me forget about it but have definitely always felt it while at work and anytime I wasn't using. Even times I was using, I would still feel my chest pains/discomfort and even get numbness in my arm, which I have read and been told by a Dr. are all symptoms of anxiety.
Anyways, during my percocet addiction, I would only use after work at night and sometimes during the day on weekends but mostly at night. I, stuipidly, didn't tell my Dr. the extent of my using and told her I only use percocet a few times a month. because of that, I have not taken my prescribed meds yet (got them friday, today is thursday night/fri morning). I'm kind of scared to go on an anti depressent, honestly. So after that long tangent, here I am. Going into day 3 without percs, not feeling terrible, but not feeling great either. I'm hoping to completely stop percs cold turkey. I've gone 5 days a couple of other times with no real problems, but this was mostly attributed to financial problems, not because I wanted to stop.
My girlfriend is going to see family in colombia in about a month and my mom (who lives in florida) is having an anniversary party for my grandparents at about the same time my gf is leaving. She will be gone for a month and I was thinking about going to Florida for the anniversary and maybe try staying there for about a month while my gf is gone. I have not seen my mom since I was 18. When I was 16 we moved to florida from Mass and I lasted about 6 months until I came back for Xmas break to see family and ended up moving in with my father. I have talked to my mom enough in the last 7 years on the phone but just have felt our relationship deteriorate over time, mostly because of me being young and partying and not caring as much as I should have. Since this anniversary thing came up in January, I've kind of developed a disdain and attitude towards my mother because she was telling me I "needed" to attend this, when meanwhile she has not visited me once in 7 years. I've ignored her since January and tonight we talked over facebook chat and made a plan to talk tomorrow on the phone. This is the big "crying session" I had earlier. Everything just sort of hit me at once and I just broke down, needed to go for a walk and just let it out.
I know I've been ALL OVER THE PLACE in this post but I felt I needed to provide some background information to better help everyone understand my problem. And my problem is taking 30mg percocet everyday. As I said, I'm going into day 3 with no percs and feeling better than day 1 but I know I'm not even close to being "there" yet. Still have the urge to call my provider up but haven't given in. I'm hoping I can get thru the next month clean or with minimal usage until I probably go to Florida when my GF leaves for Colombia. Like I said, I'd like to stay in Florida with my mom and siblings for the month my gf is gone, feel like it would be a good opportunity to get away from my supplier and influence. I'm sorry to be so scatter brained about everything but I felt like I just needed to, if nothing else, just get this all out in the open somewhere at least. Thank you all for listening and goodluck to anyone going thru any kind of addiction. There's gotta be more to life than getting high, and I plan to realize that fact asap. Thank you
How are you doing? I just saw your post and hope everything is better? Please update!
Originally Posted by justwannabemyself
I admire you for wanting to find your real self. It is not easy. The desire will always be there to escape. I support you in your effort. I have real pain from disease that is consuming my life. I don't want the narcs. Anymore. I want to find me, whatever the consequences
keep posting 123becku. I am adding a post here, not because I have any answers or real help, but it will "bump up" this thread. Also, post in the forum "Need to talk". It is the most active.
I wish I could help more, but you said it above: I just want to find me, now, without the mind-bending substances.
Thanks for the support, but I think my time here is up. I can't live anymore in pain. Yesterday I ended up in the lousy emergency room after a marathoner 14 hour panic attack. I called everyone who had ever supported me in the past and got not one answer of help. I hope you have never gone through a panic attack. It is like a demon has taken over your body. In emergency a nurse kept yelling at me to stop hyperventilating. I was just looking for attention.
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