[sikntired]

Hey everybody.
I have been watching and reading this board for about a month now. I read all of your stuff and how you deal with it and I am so inspired,jealous,proud,ashamed(of myself) and so many other emotions that I can no longer keep them in. I have a VERY BIG PROBLEM.
Just like most of you, it is with the damn PILLS. They have taken over my entire life.
I have the money to buy 15 of them tomorrow and I will buy them, but it is for a purpose this time. I am going to wean myself off of them. I really dont think that I can go "cold turkey" I hope that someone can give me some advice on how to space them or what is the best way to do it.
People, I am really at the end of my rope. I dont really know how many a day (exactly) that I am taking, but I promise you, it is not good. I can take as few as 3 a day of lorcet 10. or as many as 15 a day.....its just whatever is available to me.
I would go into detail and tell you all about my neuomuscular disease and all the bullsh*&(^ that led up to my pill abuse, but I know now that it has just been an exuse for what I have been doing.
You know that you have a big problem when one of your daily rituals (being a woman) is putting on your makeup but making sure that the whites of your eyes are still white! I am so worried that I have already damaged my liver from all of the mess. You would think that someone with health problems wouldn't try to cause herself more...right? Not me...guess I just have enjoyed the feeling a little too much.
I guess I really need a counselor or something, because the things that were pushing me to "self medicate" are still there, because in my haze I have done nothing to change my life in a good way. But, I have really changed it for the worse.
I dont even recognize myself anymore. I have been on the verge of wanting to take money from my neice, my daughter, my sister, just anyone who I thought had a little extra, just to buy a few pills.
I know that none of you know me...but THAT IS JUST NOT ME. This is where I am drawing the line. Not just because of that, but just everything! I feel bad all the time. No matter how many pills I take, they have lost their good effect. Now, I just take them to keep from feeling so bad!
OMG, I really hate my life right now. This message board has been so good to read because I can relate so much to it. It gives me hope that I can do this!
Any suggestions will be appreciated ok? When I post again I will try to fill you in on the whole "picture" of my life. If anybody is really interested...LOL. Sometimes I just blame my life circumstances WAY TOO MUCH. but, I really do have a good story, but dont want to push it on anyone who is not interested, since this is not a "tell my life story board" LOL.
The people who post on here have really pushed and prompted me to do something about my own situation, and that is saying good things about each and everyone of you! I hate to say it but.......MISERY LOVES COMPANY...ya know? But, yall have gotten out of your misery and found the lives back that you used to know....that is all I want......I WANT MY LIFE BACK. I want to feel like I used to feel without a pill! But, the sad thing is, I don't remember what that is like.
Well, this is long enough. I really dont even know if this message will go where I want it too, but I will be checking the board.


Best Wishes and great respect,
Sherry

sherry wilkes

[Junkie781]

Sherry - wow, that took a lot of courage! Way to go! You've now taken the first step to taking back your life. I know EXACTLY how you feel. Wow, I could have written those words you just wrote myself...it's almost creepy sometimes how similar we all sound, isn't it? That's because the symptoms of addiction are mostly the same from person to person. We do things and go places and hang around with people we would NEVER hang around with to feed our sickness, don't we? I mean, think about it, would you EVER consider stealing from anyone, for any reason, other than to get more pills?

OF COURSE NOT!

You asked for advice on tapering off. Well, I don't know what you weigh, and I'm a civilized enough man to know that you don't ask a woman her age or weight LOL But assuming you weigh 140lbs and are taking 15 lortabs a day, you should immediately back that down to 8 or 10 for a couple of days, followed by 5 or 6 for a couple of days, followed by 3 or 4 for a couple of days, then try taking just one and only take a second one if you are really crawling out of your skin...if you can make it a few days only taking one or two of these things, that will definitely make your w/d period easier to get through. Personally, I quit cold turkey 23 days ago, and it was miserable for about 5 days, but I weigh 200lbs and I was taking 30 percs pretty much daily [xx(]

I really think, if it is at all possible, you should consider consulting a physician about detoxing yourself. A qualified doctor can prescribe medications to help ease the symptoms of withdrawal and help you sleep at night. Hey, it's just a suggestion, but one worth thinking about.

But I've seen a few people successfully cut down and stop now, people right here posting on this message board have done such a thing, so I know it *can* be done. What I see as a common thread with people who seem to quit for at least a few weeks is STRONG DESIRE to quit, which you seem to have...

Sick and tired of being sick and tired?

Sick and tired of letting a pill make decisions for you?

Want your life back?

You can address all of these things here with us and we'll support you. WE'VE JUST BEEN THROUGH IT! We *know* how you feel and WANT to help you.

So, your plan of action is what? Tell me what you plan to do now, Sherry, are you ready to take some action and start getting better?

I think you are.

[needtoknow25]

I'm new here, but not new to
the problem you're facing.

The only point I can add
to Junkie's advice (all good by the way) is
patience.
It took time to get where you
are, and it will take time
to get out.


don't get frustrated because
it's not happening fast enough.

I'll add you to my prayers...

and keep us up to date
on what you're going through.
we'll be here

Mike

p.s. and it DID take alot of courage
to come here like you did. focus on that
strength and hold tight.

[luvlifemore]

Hi Sherry,
You CAN get your life back. You have to really want it though. I'm glad you wrote. The sooner you taper - then get off the stuff the "easier" it will be. A counselor is a good idea. This board has really inspired me too. Hang in there and keep talking.
LLM

[justwhatever]

sherry--

how is it going????

this forum is about helping and healing-- feel free to correct my mistakes

[becky2]

hi sherry!how are you doing?i read your post and just wanted to let you knowthat i UNDERSTAND exactly what you are feeling,the shame,the fear,the "whthfk,this is NOT ME!!!!" most of the people in my life consider me a very sweet person,a great friend,mom,blah blah blah....i thought how can i let everybody in my life down by telling them that i have been taking 10 painkillers aday for 2 years?????????they are going to be so sad,dissapointed,disgusted...you get the picture but let me tell you what happened:i finally got to the point that i knew that i couldnt handle it anymore...i was w/drawing from my friends and family and feeling so alone in my little pill-popping world and it wasn't FUN anymore being high!i have always held my friendships as the highest importance and my hubby and i have always had so much fun together,they didn't desrve me lying to them and getting myself sick.oh my god,let alone my two little boys!!!!!they are the sweetest little guys and i was just not the same mom anymore.i had NO CHOICE but to stop!!!so i started out by telling one of my best friends and then my hubby.yalk about HARD!!!but you know what,they didn't freak out like i though they would,they were very loving and understanding.i got myself on suboxone,stayed on it more or less for a year (with some relapses in between) and have slowly started telling other people in my life,friends,my dad (gulp-that was hard)but you know what,NOBODY FREAKED OUT!I have been amazed each time i have shared it by the kindnessi have recieved from akll of these people.i don't know why i thought they were going to have these horrible feelings about me...only i did.my mom commited suicide a year ago and everybody trhought i had just w/drawn because of that.but a couple of friends actually had an idea that something else was going on.anyway,sorry this post is going all over the place now,but i just got off of the suboxone a couple of days ago w/ the help of some clonidine and i am feeling pretty good.don't get me wrong-i am not healed yet!i now have to remember how to live my life w/out the help of a pharmaceutical crutch.BUT-I guess my point is that you can do it!one little step at a time!as far as i am concerned pill addiction is the DEVIL in disguise [}]....i still can't believe this has happened in my life.but start by confiding in someone you trust and go from there.then read EVERY THREAD on the painkiller forum and learn from what all of these people have done.you will find all the tools you need here.these people are amazing and they have all been right where you are!!!it has helped me more than anything else.please feel free to email me or post me if you feel like talking [:I]it helps alot!!!!i will be thinking about you so please please keep posting and letting us help you work thru this...you CAN do it!!!
love,rebecca