[powerless]

I don't know how this happened, but it happend and I'm addicted. I've been taking vics, percs, and bascially anything I can get my hands on for the past year or so. Heck, I can't even remember really when I got "addicted" but I am. I'm sick of it, sick of the money as I buy them over the street. Sick of not being me anymore. Sick of obsessing about when I'm going to score my next pills. I was taking anywhere from 3 vic 10's to 10 vic 10's a day depending how big my score was and how long I could make them last...

I haven't had a pill in 4 days. I'm married with a small child and my husband has NO clue to my addiction. NONE. I'm so ashamed, I feel so guilty. Do you know the money I've spent,? Thousands... Makes me sick.

Physically I'm okay today, still dealing with the diarreaha but as far as how I felt on day 1 and 2, this is MUCH better. I can actually accomplish things without wanting to cry and my attitude is basically getting back to normal, not so mean and evil.

But, the drugs are still calling/screaming my name. The energy, it's hard to replace the energy. Coffee isn't doing the trick. I think that's kind of why it all started for me... I felt like I couldn't keep up with things. I don't know, hell, I just want off of these damn pills for good. I deleted all my drug dealers from my cell. I've sat outside for the past two days off and on and soaked in some rays and played with my son. And I will say the cravings are down about 50 percent compared to 3 days ago but they are still strong. I'm at the point now where I'm scared, seriously scared. I'm one call away from a relaspe and I don't ever want to go through this ******** again. I want my life back.

I never want to do this again, and I don't know how this happened to me?

Thanks for who ever replies, besides my mother, no one knows of my addiction. I've hide it from everyone... Man, it feels good to get it out.

[melinda7.5]

Hi powerless
I understand how you feel...I was addicted to opiates for about three years...
I could have paid for my daughters collage with all the money I spent on those stupid pills...
But there is plenty of time to make that stuff up...
The important part is getting you well right now...
When I was on day 4 of my withdrawals I knew I was going to make it.
every day you should get a little stronger and this will become a distant memory...You really can wake up from this nightmare...
Every time the drugs call your name immediately think about all the pain they have caused you...do that every time...it will help you change the way you think about the pills...
and tell yourself if I can do it with a pill I can do it without one...
Let us know how you are doing...
Melinda

[shybaybe2003]

are you getting any kind of counseling? Do you plan on telling your husband, because the guilt may eat at you and make it difficult to recover. Im on day 2 from vic w/d and i know what its like.

[wasthere]

hi, how have you been doing?

have you been able to stay off the pills? i hope so,
you posted in december so i dont see an update,

sometimes it takes a "special moment" a moment of sudden strenght, not just to react to the now but to know what you need and want down the road.

i was drinking and i had a baby, i drank from morning till night and it was liquid diet 24/7 my husband supplied the booze, it was easier for him to do that then to take the time to help me, we all make choices like this when something is amiss in our lives, something that is hard to deal with, and often its within us, our own demons.

as it happened i did stop on my own, i weighed the logic of being normal and being addicted, the cost was never a factor, i took pills at the same time, meth,

i had to get the courage from within, no one was there to help me so i only had me, but it was, do i want to make this change? was i willing to make this change? no logic from what i read or heard helped at all, it had to come from me and from my own needs, i got off the booze, i stayed on the pills, but it was now valium, and reg moderatge doses,

it bothered me years later, when the dr began to up my dosage to 12 tabs a day, i felt like a junkie, then i moved and had to explain this to a new dr. that i WAS prescribed 12 tabs a day, i am down to 1, three times a day, finally, it take personal conviction, its not easy and the nights are long when i couldnt sleep, i still cant sleep properly, but its my self esteem which has been boosted and thats what counts "to me"

when all is said and done all we have is ourselves, the body we live in and rely on daily, the body that makes us sad and the body that makes us happy, to find that happiness can be a long road but we are here for a short time so why not make it a good time, and live in a body where we have the control, not the pills.

take care sweety,
L. A.

Originally Posted by powerless

I don't know how this happened, but it happend and I'm addicted. I've been taking vics, percs, and bascially anything I can get my hands on for the past year or so. Heck, I can't even remember really when I got "addicted" but I am. I'm sick of it, sick of the money as I buy them over the street. Sick of not being me anymore. Sick of obsessing about when I'm going to score my next pills. I was taking anywhere from 3 vic 10's to 10 vic 10's a day depending how big my score was and how long I could make them last...

I haven't had a pill in 4 days. I'm married with a small child and my husband has NO clue to my addiction. NONE. I'm so ashamed, I feel so guilty. Do you know the money I've spent,? Thousands... Makes me sick.

Physically I'm okay today, still dealing with the diarreaha but as far as how I felt on day 1 and 2, this is MUCH better. I can actually accomplish things without wanting to cry and my attitude is basically getting back to normal, not so mean and evil.

But, the drugs are still calling/screaming my name. The energy, it's hard to replace the energy. Coffee isn't doing the trick. I think that's kind of why it all started for me... I felt like I couldn't keep up with things. I don't know, hell, I just want off of these damn pills for good. I deleted all my drug dealers from my cell. I've sat outside for the past two days off and on and soaked in some rays and played with my son. And I will say the cravings are down about 50 percent compared to 3 days ago but they are still strong. I'm at the point now where I'm scared, seriously scared. I'm one call away from a relaspe and I don't ever want to go through this ******** again. I want my life back.

I never want to do this again, and I don't know how this happened to me?

Thanks for who ever replies, besides my mother, no one knows of my addiction. I've hide it from everyone... Man, it feels good to get it out.

[powerless]

Wasthere, I joined this board in Dec. lurked around and was trying to withdrawl then obviously with no success. But, I'm doing it this go around come hell or high water...

I've had enough.

Shybabe,
No counseling yet. I know that I need it. My husband and I did start marriage counseling 3 weeks ago but I haven't brought up the pain pill usage. I just don't have it in me right now... I don't know if he could handle it or I. I know part of getting through this is being honest but I just feel right now this is better left alone. Too many other issues, we've been through so much togethor and not that I'm making up excuses for my usage but I think I turned to the drugs to numb the pain, hell I don't know. I was tired and sick of being tired and now I'm sick of being a junkie and want my life back.

Melinda,
Thank you so much for the words of wisdom. I will keep those thoughts in my minds.

Tomorrow is day 5, I've made it another day. One day at a time right? Sleeping is totally freakin sucking. I took 3 tylenol pm's the other night and still played sheet karate all night. I had the night sweats so bad the 2 night that I had to change my clothes 3 times and go sleep in our guest bedroom. I have noticed the night sweats are getting better.

Will I ever sleep soundly again, and what's up with the stomach issues? When does those end? I thought I was in the clear and this evening when I ate my stomach started hurting again like it did the first few days. I guess it's still kind of early huh?

Thanks again everyone.

[norefills]

Hello Powerfull,

Sorry for the name change, but you don't sound like the same person who reached out a few days ago. You've already gotten through the nastiest days and it sounds like you've identified all of the important reasons (nothin' better than love) to put this mountain behind you.

I smoked my last pack in '85, my last drink was in '01, the last 300mg of Oxy hit my brain 1/19/09. Mind you--I'm not a quitter--I just don't think I'll have any of those for at least five more minutes....

Hope your able to let your partner know about the daemons. The love that was there on your wedding day may provide the grace you need today. Trust may be harder for you and I to give, than for those who love us and are wondering where "we" have gone.

Keep a twinkle in your eye and a smile on your lips.

[melinda7.5]

Originally Posted by powerless

Wasthere, I joined this board in Dec. lurked around and was trying to withdrawl then obviously with no success. But, I'm doing it this go around come hell or high water...

I've had enough.

Shybabe,
No counseling yet. I know that I need it. My husband and I did start marriage counseling 3 weeks ago but I haven't brought up the pain pill usage. I just don't have it in me right now... I don't know if he could handle it or I. I know part of getting through this is being honest but I just feel right now this is better left alone. Too many other issues, we've been through so much togethor and not that I'm making up excuses for my usage but I think I turned to the drugs to numb the pain, hell I don't know. I was tired and sick of being tired and now I'm sick of being a junkie and want my life back.

Melinda,
Thank you so much for the words of wisdom. I will keep those thoughts in my minds.

Tomorrow is day 5, I've made it another day. One day at a time right? Sleeping is totally freakin sucking. I took 3 tylenol pm's the other night and still played sheet karate all night. I had the night sweats so bad the 2 night that I had to change my clothes 3 times and go sleep in our guest bedroom. I have noticed the night sweats are getting better.

Will I ever sleep soundly again, and what's up with the stomach issues? When does those end? I thought I was in the clear and this evening when I ate my stomach started hurting again like it did the first few days. I guess it's still kind of early huh?

Thanks again everyone.

Ho powerless
I was just wondering how day 5 is going...
You will sleep again...LOL
but I think that is the last thing to come...
I started to function again on day 4 , but I think it takes about 2 weeks before your body starts to get back to normal...
Your doing great...just give this a bit more time and hang in there...

Talk to you soon, Melinda

[powerless]

Well, I took my last pain pill last Thursday so I'm almost clean a week now. AMAZING. The withdrawls were by far the worst a week ago. I still miss the narcotic buzz but I don't miss the addiction of the drug. I'm good today, really good. Every day gets somewhat easier and every day I feel so much better. Day five sucked, it was a hard day. I got sick, thought it was strep went to the doctors, but it's just viral. Had a fever also. I wanted nothing more than a vic to take the pain away. But, what good would that do me, that would cause a down hill slide of usage again, knowing my addiction I can't just take one vic, one leads to 6 or 10.

I went to the Vitamin store yesterday and bought some supplements(all natural vitamins, b-12, and lots of good other stuff). It's helped with my energy levels majorly. I wish I would have had those the first couple of days but oh well. Such is life.

To anyone going through this, if you can get past the first five days it does get easier, I promise. Just keep you mind busy, soak up some sun, drink lots of water, and try to get some exercise in if you can when you get feeling better.

Vitamins help for the energy also.

[FreedomForMe]

Hi Powerless, I am @ 48 hrs clean so far I have had the flu symptpns lightly I have been taking the Hyland Flu tablets for that. I guess one of my big things I dont like is that I feel like my legs are going to fall out from underneath me which worries me since I had a knee replacement last year and yes the cravings are still there but I feel like I am ready this time to quit. I woke up this morning and so far I am not feeling to bad but could easily pop a couple vicodins if I had them but I dont which is good so I will keep taking my vitamins. I would really like to keep up on your recovery since u are just a few days ahead of me.

[powerless]

Day 2 is hard but it will get better I promise. Just hang tight and try to keep the demons out.

Get your supplements in for energy, the Thomas Dextox, I didn't use it as when I found it I was already on day 4. But, have noticed the energy boost that I'm getting from the supplements I'm on. Really wish I would have had those in the beginning.

I went and bought Triple Boost Energy Caffeine Free supplements and it makes me feel like a new woman, lol. Has lots of the stuff that Thomas reccomends plus a little more stuff.

Day 2 is hard but you can do it.... Sleep is finally starting to come for me(day 7), minus my toddler going through a horrific sleep regression right now, but I did sleep good last night when he finally settled down at 3am, haha...

You'll feel much better tomorrow and by day 4 your energy will return. Or it did for me. You will feel normal again I promise. I think the first week is the hardest. Day five for some reason was tuff as far as cravings coming back pretty strong so be warned. But then again I was sick so I don't know...

Good luck and 48 hours is good. Stay strong!

[FreedomForMe]

Hi Powerless, I feel pretty good so far today compared to yesterday I even clean my living room and bedroom carpet then off course that made my back hurt which i caught myself saying I wants some vicodins to take the pain away but I dont have any so I hit the Aleve bottle instead ) I am so proud of you and myself we can do this I know we can! I do have to say I am getting kind of scared other then the first 36 hrs I have been feeling better then alot of people on here I wonder if it is going to hit me hard all of a sudden, if it does I will have to deal with it then I guess. Have a great day!

[powerless]

Freedom,
How's it going? Just checking in and seeing what's going on with you?

Yesterday was tuff(not physically) but mentally. I seen a friend pop 2 vics right in front of me and I knew that I could have easily got a couple from her...

That was REALLY hard.

Tired today for some reason. Maybe it's the cold I'm fighting, who knows?

[FreedomForMe]

Howdy Powerless,

I am so proud of u not asking for some I am not sure if I could do that! That rocks right there. I am doing good my main problem is I want so more energy It seems like I had more yesterday I walked the dogs clean a couple of rooms of carpet and did all my laundry oh and yes I worked from 5 to 9 last night, today I woke up at 10 and havent done a whole lot I have to work from 4 to 9 so I think I will go to the health food store and try some L-Tryosine there is some of it in my daily vitamin I take but only 250mg so maybe that will help. Other then that I really feel fortunate that I havent had some wd symptoms that everyone else is having. On I'm on day 3 1/2 and really looking forward to another day w/o although I still would pop one I think if i had some.

Have a great day

[FreedomForMe]

Howdy Powerless,

Just thought I would check in and see how u are doing. I am on 5 1/2 and so far so good still craving but havent had any and I am not going to. You know what is weird is that when I wake up in the morning I am not nearly as sore as when I was on the vicodins, I really wanted one after I cleaned my carpet the other day lower back was on fire, I took a couple Aleves and a couple DPLA's and did ok, I hope it is ok to take both of them together. I hope everything is going good for you please let me know

[usmc_ret]

Powerless and Freedom,
Stick with it. My wife didn't know about my addiction either. It is no time before you feel like you're back in charge with your lives. My relationships are so much better now. Take any pills you have and get rid of them. No more refills. But, I did tell my doctor. He helped me start eating better and have a more balanced nutrution thing going on. It was harder but easier going through this while I'm seperated from my family and on my own. I'm wating on them to join me after my home sells in NC. Stay on this site and remember we are with you, have been through the anxiety and all pray for each other.
You can do it.
Tony
(Clean since New Years)

[powerless]

Clean 2 weeks! Holly ******** what a difference. I feel normal again. I started working out again this week and I have to say that my energy has returned to normal if not more. ALmost like when I was using, the false energy the drugs give you. But, this is all natural. I haven't worked out since January so I figured I needed to get back at it. My body is sore but it's a good sore.
I'm fighting a sinus infection, started an antibiotic today but man, I actually feel better than I did 2 weeks ago and I'm sick, haha.

How's it going with you Freedom?

2 weeks ago you could have never told me I would feel like my normal self again, lol. Those withdrawls were the worst. I never want to deal with that ******** again. The high is not worth the withdrawl process, everytime I think I want a pill I tell myself do you really want to go through all of that again? Don't think so....

[melinda7.5]

Originally Posted by powerless

Clean 2 weeks! Holly ******** what a difference. I feel normal again. I started working out again this week and I have to say that my energy has returned to normal if not more. ALmost like when I was using, the false energy the drugs give you. But, this is all natural. I haven't worked out since January so I figured I needed to get back at it. My body is sore but it's a good sore.
I'm fighting a sinus infection, started an antibiotic today but man, I actually feel better than I did 2 weeks ago and I'm sick, haha.

How's it going with you Freedom?

2 weeks ago you could have never told me I would feel like my normal self again, lol. Those withdrawls were the worst. I never want to deal with that ******** again. The high is not worth the withdrawl process, everytime I think I want a pill I tell myself do you really want to go through all of that again? Don't think so....

Hi powerless
You sound so good...
I started working out also when I was in withdrawal...and I'm still doing it...it really feels good...
Just wanted to tell you..that you have done a great job !!!
Be very proud of yourself...
Talk to you soon, Melinda

[luvlife]

Dear Powerless,
I am both moved and touched by your speaking out, which is very hard to do. I am looking around myself for some support on the matter. I have been taking tramadol for around 3 years now. I am a husband and father of 4 children- ages 7, 6 and almost 3 yr old twins--3 boys and 1 sweet little girl. I will admit that some of the problems I am writing about may be in part due to the obvious stress of managing the kids as well.....
It started very simple, as always. I worked in a machine shop and worked many hours. It was kind of hard on the body after 10 years. I do have some back and neck issues that kicked all of this off as well and they cause some severe headaches. Now the bad rut! I would get my tramadol only when I needed them and I remember one day saying, Hey, these are easy to get, what if I just made sure I always have them, I was having some pain problems and I had to work many weekends as well for my shop...( which is now closed and led me back to school--blessing in disguise) I always make sure I never run out, so I order regularly. I have not missed a day in 3 years. I do keep it under some what control. I always take 7-9 50 mg tabs a day. I am getting sick of it.

I know what you mean about wanting it to go away. I no longer remember how I was when I didn't take them. Was I more patient, less.. Better attitude or worse...etc...The easiest thing for me has been to say that I was not much different before I started than I am now...Because I honestly have not destroyed our family or anything. I actually just completed a physical therapy assistant course in college in 7 quarters. (98 credit hrs in under 2 years).

My point being , its hard to really want to change if life can be somewhat normal, do you know what I mean. The problems begin when you can not get your pills, or can not afford them and then during the days w/o them, our families suffer...(and we suffer) Now, the constant need of always having to have them is a big mental issue for us!! To depend on something like that means we have a weakness that is some times hard to admit. Then , the fact that others do not know....it's hard....It makes us feel fake or like we are constantly lying about ourselves.....

Please let me know how you are doing . I would love to continue to support you. I think it may help...Good luck and take care of that little boy of yours.... Luvlife

[FreedomForMe]

Howdy Powerless how are u doing? I haven't seen u on lately u must be running around alot with all that energy Well I had a 5 day slip but back on track now and feel great! Hope all is well,
Julie

[magsj]

Dear Powerless:

I was rambling around the site and I just went back and read your initial post. It amazed me how you described getting addicted because it is my EXACT story. I have always been kind of a Type A person, doing everything, I started getting depressed I think because I was stressing myself out thinking everything needed to be perfect all the time. I found myself feeling like I couldn't keep up and eventually realized the Vicodin I took for migraines made me feel like I used to, full of energy, etc. What I didnt' realize at the time was that I was becoming depressed and there is a reason for depression, one reason is it is telling you that your body cannot keep up this pace and you need to stop and reassess your life a bit; this is why it makes you feel so slowed down - because you need to slow down. It's almost a built-in self-preservation mode in your brain. The problem is we don't recognize what the symptoms are telling us at the time and go into survival mode which is "I HAVE TO DO ANYTHING I CAN TO KEEP GOING", and thus the addiction begins. I wish I knew then what I know now, but, of course hind-sight is 20/20. I moved on to Norco and Methadone and I am only now beginning to find my way out.

So try to slow down a bit, do what is NECESSARY, NOT EVERYTHING. Enjoy your child - many things can wait or don't HAVE to be done at all if you really think about it. Maybe putting less pressure on yourself will help you not crave the "energy" as much. I hope I am making sense. I have struggled with depression for 15 years now, I think because I didn't recognize it for what it was trying to tell me a long time ago. I am only figuring it out now after coming out of the "fog" of opiates. I am by no means free. I just started subuxone treatment, but I have CLARITY for the first time in years.

Hang in there, fight the GOOD fight and slow down.

Maggie

[powerless]

Well, I'm good but not so good. I've slipped. WTF? I've been using again for a while and I suppose the detox shall begin again today. This is so f'ing embarassing? I have no clue if I'll have w/d's as badly this go around. It's be a couple of weeks of usage so I more than likely will. Am I seriously ever going to be clean? Seriously. It's ridiculous.
Well, here we go again. Please don't judge me too harshly I'm only human, no excuse I know. I seriously think I need to get some professional help or something. I haven't been using all day long like before, only in the evenings. I've stopped myself before the dosage got through the roof also but WTF? I can't just take one, one leads to a million for me, I think I need to come to terms with this.
I suck. Really suck.

[melinda7.5]

Hi powerless
We have all done it a time or two...LOL...just pick yourself up shake it off and move on...
Thats the only way to get thru it.
We just have to relearn how to live without drugs and it's hard...
you will make it...
Hang in there, Melinda

[anotheraddict]

As Melinda says, we have all been there. Dust yourself off and let's move on. We can do this again.

Jean

[lilbri]

Well im at the 24 hour mark. So far so good. Brian

[Robert_325]

Brian .... it's just now getting ready to start for you buddy! You know the drill. I hate to be negative but I'm glad it's not me. Just don't use and you'll be okay. God bless.