First off I just want to send a kind thank you to everyone on this board. I have been browsing this forum for about 2 years, however I never became a member because while reading, some of the personal testimonies hit so close to home that it seemed like I wrote it myself. It scared me away and I kept telling myself the lie of "I'm not like them."
A little background information. In 2003 I was diagnosed with a Spinal Cord Injury. Yep, paralyzed from my chest down. The doctors said I'd never walk again, however I slowly started to regain my sensation and learned how to move my legs again.
However, it was a gift and a curse, because the regained sensation brought a type of pain that I had never had before. Being relatively ignorant to the world of medicine, I took every word of advice from the doctors as The Gospel, and believed that I was in good hands.
When you have a case like mine, the doctors don't think twice about being permissive with the pain scripts. They honestly feel as if you already have lost due to your injury, and that the benefits outweigh the risk. Moreover, when you have a documented legion on your spinal cord, and learn some medical terminology, it becomes very easy to get what you want.
In my case,
Hydrocodone and
Percocet.
Some of you may laugh when I tell you how much I was taking.
The last two years I've been on Percocet 10/325 and I was taking 4 pills a day every day. Every now and then I'd take an extra pill at night to help me with break through pain, but I was weary to do this because that meant I was taking another days medicine.
However, it worked for me, and it worked like clockwork.
But I also found myself dropping out of college, in constant pain and depression in which I attributed to my spinal cord injury. But in the back of my mind I knew that it was from the pills. There were times that I'd want to speak to my doctor about me feeling dependent, but I was too afraid that they'd abruptly stop giving my medicine, and I knew how that felt like, but in the past when I didn't have my meds, I knew a script was in the mail or that I had a doctor appointment on a certain date. The withdrawal process is always easier when you know exactly when you will re up on your medicine.
Well about two weeks ago my controlled use went astray, I found myself taking 8 pills a day and wasn't getting any relief from it. I rationalized my increase in usage by saying tomorrow is the day that I break the pills in half and stretch them out into the end of the month. Well that didn't workout. Next thing you know only 15 days had passed and I was nearly out. However I just focused on the next time I'd get a new script.
Fortunately I had a near fatal overdose. After that, I flushed the rest of the bottle and a brand new bottle of
xanax that I only use occasionally. I then admitted to myself and my family that I had a problem and I told them what had happened.
I just had a catharsis. I had survived a Spinal Cord Injury a Brain Tumor and I would be damned if I let a drug kill me.
I went to get a mental assessment and thought for sure that I would get admitted into a drug detox treatment. Before I left to go to the medical facility I sent this email out to several family members.
Quote:
Hey ****,
I just wanted to write to thank you for checking up on me yesterday. I thought it would be selfish for me not to do my best to contact you all and let you know what's going on.
I've been doing some soul searching, and I've come to realize that it's time for me to deal with some issues that I've been holding in. I know I'm fortunate to be where I am, but for a while now I've been slowly going backwards. It's time for a change, and I'm going to get whatever help out there that I need to be able to keep a positive mind and hopefully be able to live life free of medication.
Change is scary. Change hurts. But I feel as if I don't make a change now, I will continue to hurt myself and my family in the process.
I keep telling myself that I didn't ask for this because it's true, but I've got to learn how to play with these cards I've been dealt. There's a lot of hurt that I have, but the reason I've continued to keep on is because i know that I have a lot to live for.
Tell everyone that I love them and that I will be ok.
It's time I finally forgive myself, make peace with God, and make peace with my illness.
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Well I got to the medical place, and got the assessment done, and they explained to me since I hadn't showed evidence of suicidal or evident destructive behavior that they could not admit me because my insurance does not pay for preventive issues, and they will not pay for me to get off the pain medicine, but they will continue to pay for me to stay on them and will pay for stronger dosages if that's the route I choose to go. That really messed me up, and now I firmly believe that the insurance and pharmaceutical companies are in cohoes.
As I stated, that was very rough for me but it was my biggest test. I would have to do this alone, suffer through the detox at home, but my mind was made up, it was going to be done.
I did not document each day, I don't think I could have, but believe me, I went through everything that each of you has been through, and it was ROUGH!
What I do recall is that the emotional toll was the worst. Being doped up for years, you forget how to deal with life. My brain took me to places in my past that I haven't been in a while, and I cried more the first three days than I had in my life. I think most of the tears came from the disappointment of realizing that I let myself become an addict, a junkie, a fiend, a clucker. I called myself the same names that we called the addicts in the neighborhood growing up. I've always been raised being told that men aren't supposed to cry and to be in control of your emotions. Lets just say there was a lot inside that needed to come out.
Now, today, I can't even remember the last time I've taken a pill and I haven't had personal clarity like this in a while.
And in miraculous fashion, my body's natural endorphins have kicked in, and I have less pain now than I did when I was on the dope.
For those of you who are suffering, maintain hope. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Believe in yourself, and embrace the fact that things do get better.
With belief in yourself and a good support system you can accomplish anything within reason.
Thank you.
5 years on Pain Meds, and I'm off. 
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