subutex and alcohol

NikNak1 · #91 10-16-2009, 08:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RubyDean

How you doing NikNak? I finally skipped a day...it was pretty good up until last night. I couldn't sleep so ended up taking my dose in the middle of the night. I didn't make it the whole 48 hrs, but easily 42 or so, and I went the entire day without, so that is progress for me. I plan to try again, nothing today, or tmrw. and try to get at least a full 2 days under my belt. Hope you are feeling good, and keep it up. As long as we stay trying, and making a little head way each day, all will be well. I went to a meeting last night and it helped too.

I agree with you Melinda, I have two little girls, 3 & 5, and they keep me going, and working hard to be free, and totally clean. All the best!

Great news Ruby, so so pleased for you.

You know I was wondering...when I tried to skip last time I only made it until 9pm (I usually take my dose in the morning). So I took a dose at 9pm and then my usual dose in the morning (coz I realised I was not ready to skip), which means I took two doses in under a day. Would it have been better to wait until 9pm the following day and change my dose time? I will have to ask Robert. Anyway, like I said I'm real pleased for you and rooting for you all the way, you are doing brilliantly.

RubyDean · #92 10-16-2009, 09:25 AM

That's a really good question, especially for us (whom are down to the very samll dose of
.25mg, and such. Back in the day we would take a 'sliver' and now that sliver can be equal, or possibly more than our current dose. So for me when we are down to the end like this, it is all about time between doses for me. If I end up waiting 36 hours between, I always use the time I last dosed. In my opinion, it just makes sense. You esentially almost doubled up, when you didn't really 'need to'...Not that it is a big problem or anything. At this point I do change my dosing time in relation to when I dosed last. For me it is all about maxing out distance and time between doses. Where as last week it took me a while to get stable taking .25mg every 24 hrs...well not it is quite easy to go 36 hours, if not more...My body is slowly requiring less and less, which is the ultimate goal.
I certainly TRY to go skip a day, dose, skip 2 days, dose, skip 3 days dose...etc.

But when I can't like the other day, I went like 42 hrs. So now I am trying to get that 48 hrs again. Each day I make progress, and then will go for 3 days, and if I can't and only make it 60 hrs, then I try again to go 72 hrs the next, and on and on. It is esentially the exact same concept, just taking slightly longer to achieve it. Hope that helps. For an addict like me who has been on it longer than others (8 months) this is sometimes necessary. Keep trying at least for now to go entire 24 hrs between doses. Heck sometimes it works to my advantage to get a nice 7hrs of sleep under my belt during which I am not even thinking about dosing or any discomfort...keep it up! We can all be clean by the Holidays, and truly GIVE THANKS!

NikNak1 · #93 10-26-2009, 05:35 AM

Hi Robert I read your other post, I sure hope I have not done anything to upset you. I remember that I once refered another poster to you and I am sorry for that. It's right that you should spend more time with your family. I have not posted in over a week...good old BP disorder, gets in the way sometimes. Anyway, I skipped Fiday and then took a dose at 12 noon Saturday. I was tempted to go all the way but then I remembered I made a commitment to follow your plan, so as not to get in any trouble further down the line. Today is day one of a two day taper, lets see how I go. If you don't reply to me, no worries, I understand. I hope you and your family are well and wish you all the best. Good news about the knee, hope you are making good progress.
Niknak

r
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Robert_325 · #94 10-26-2009, 02:40 PM

NikNak .... I won't blow you off right at the end. And you haven't done anything to me don't worry about it.

So you're skipping today and tomorrow. Then take your dose again Weds. Let me know how that goes. I want to see you finish this up successsfully. You're almost there. God bless.

NikNak1 · #95 10-26-2009, 02:46 PM

Thanks so much Robert, you don't know how much it means to hear from you...I'm crying now...soppy cow I am. Will let you know how it goes. Thanks again. Say hi to Melinda for me.

melinda7.5 · #96 10-26-2009, 08:42 PM

Hi NikNak
I didn't know you had BP...My oldest son has that and it is very debilitating to him, my doctor told me that she thinks I could have it to...but I don't get the lows on it like my son gets...how bad do you have it and do you take anything for it...Casey ( my son) will stay awake for days at a time and then he will sleep for days, he has had it for years it can really take a toll on you if you have it bad...but he also has Panic disorder so he has had a really hard life...got some sad stories with him

...
but on the brighter side...yeah for you skipping days...I know you are excited to get this over with, I'm really happy for you...
please don't worry we are not going anywhere...just want to do some fun stuff...but after my daughter graduates we would like to do some missionary work some place with nice weather and hot sand...
anyway your doing great and well talk later...
Melinda

NikNak1 · #97 10-27-2009, 06:15 AM

Hi Melinda. Originally I was diagnosed with BPD. I had quite a ******** childhood I was sexually, physically and mentally abused from the age of six, apparently it's common in people with troubled childhoods. A few years ago I started CBT and was then diagnosed with BP. I also have social phobias, I'm claustrophobic, you would not catch me on the underground or in a lift for love nor money and if I use a public loo I can only lock the door if I can see how the mechanism works

. and then I can not touch the door handles without tissue in case of germs. In my teens I was terrified of the noise of low flying aircrafts I used to run out into the street every time they went overhead. I can laugh at it now, although my stomach still turns a bit if they are especially noisy. I've suffered anorexia, I'm 5ft 11 and at my lowest I weighed 7 stone (98lb). I use to love it when people commented on how skinny I was, I felt so in control...of course I wasn't. I've put weight on now and am trying to lose weight and every now and then I make myself sick and binge eat, so I guess I'm bulimic now

. In my teens I earned the nick name motor mouth, I just had so much energy (Hypomania), you could not shut me up. I use to and still do when I am going through an episode, pace the house, a bit like a lion paces a cage. I will walk from room to room for no reason whatsoever. It's at times like this that I have turned to drugs and alcohol, that's when I leave home and go and stay with my using friends for a while. I have ended up in some awful situations. I use to have a big Tuinal habit, not sure if you no what it is but it is real hardcore stuff and it nearly cost me my life. I was up to ten a day at one stage. Everyone I know who has used that drug has what we call Tuinal scars...The stuff is lethal but it gave me the block I needed at the time. I remember jumping on a car that was in motion, Spiderman style, there was a couple in the front seats and they just froze, I remember staring them out, they looked terrified. Was it mania...no it was the drugs and that's the thing...I messed up so much in the past I did not know how much of it was down to BPD, BP or drugs. I always managed, remarkably, to hide all this from my children and my non using friends. Oh yes I became a great liar, even my shrink thought I was a miracle case. I was prescribed Lithium but that was not for me...I remember one day I was washing down the woodwork and my daughter came up to me and said, you alright? and I said yeah good night...it was 10 am in the morning? I never took it again after that. We did laugh about it afterwards, she knew I was on medicine for depression. I've also been on Prozac and other antidepressants but I never stick with them I just don't like them. I just want to be clean of everything. I am back in therapy in a couple of weeks, I am hoping that now I am opiate/ drug free, things will be different this time, please God. I'm sure people will read this and judge me but hey ho.

newyorkgal · #98 10-27-2009, 09:14 AM

Dear Nik,
I seriously don't believe that anyone would or could judge you for having a disease over which you have no control. I have a very close relative diagnosed as BP and his life has been a roller coaster for sure. He has managed to become an attorney but every few years he has a manic psychotic episode that lands him in hospital. I'm glad that isn't the case for you. I would have to give you even more credit, being able to dp what you've done to fix your life while battling the health issues you do at the same time. I say you should be especially proud of yourself.
NYG

RubyDean · #99 10-27-2009, 10:13 AM

NikNak, keep up the good work. You have made it so far! I can't tell you how proud I am of you. I know that you know...who feels it knows it. This past week has been tough for me, but I am still doing real good. I am focused and can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Once your body gets more comfortable without the sub, it really becomes a challenge of the mind and spirit. It is a real good time to find what is important to you, and work hard at it. Let it occupy for time and energy. Do whatever you can to help fill the void. I know you will do fine...much love and support!

melinda7.5 · #**100** 10-27-2009, 10:21 AM

Hi NikNak

Your story will end up helping so many people,they will read it and say (thats what I do

)and you will give they the courage to do what you have done...

I can look back at my life now and see when I used drugs and alcohol to numb the pain of life...and I wish I new then what I know now...my biggest problem in life was anxiety disorder...and I never thought I was as good as anyone else...

Do you like CBT...I did my own version of it...just what I could read about it.
There again I did not even think I was worthy of therapy...
I'm really not like that anymore...
If something scares me now I stomp all over it...

No one here will judge you, even with all the controversy that goes on here at times...I think all of us here have a common thread...
I hope you have a great day today...
I will talk to you soon, Melinda

NikNak1 · #**101** 10-28-2009, 05:40 AM

Thank you Melinda, Newyorkgal and RubyDean for your kind words. It's hard opening up. I was cringing at the thought of my last post and wondering if I had done the right thing posting it...I even thought of deleting it at one stage but I realise that opening up about stuff like that is going to play a huge part in my recovery. I am so glad I found this forum and the people here. Thank you for not judging me.

Ruby, It's good to here from you. A tough week but you got through it and that shows your strength and determination. All the work will pay off...none of this is in vain. So pleased you are doing well. I often sit here and think "I wonder how Ruby is doing today". We are at similar stages and I think we have been on Subs for around the same amount of time so I can really relate to what you are going through. You have been a bigger inspiration to me than you will ever know, I am behind you all the way.

I went through a bit of a rough patch yesterday and I could have easily buckled but I said to myself no, I am going to see this through and this morning I am feeling relatively pleased with myself. I took my dose this morning and although I don't feel super duper I too feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. The next step for me is to skip three days and if all goes well my next dose should be on Sunday. I have decided to give it my all but should the worse happen and I have to take a slither then so be it...I know Robert will guide me through, I am remembering there is no rush...easy does it. Talking of Robert, how are you Robert? Are you doing ok? Hope so. Melinda...so sorry to here that Casey has the illness. Sounds like he is rapid cycling...it must be hard for you and him but one thing is for sure, he is lucky to have you as a his mum. I can tell you are really caring and it's good that you and Robert are so clued up about things...so you can make sure he gets the best help possible...I wish him all the best. I did CBT for nearly three years and I did get something from it for sure. I would have done so much better if I would have been straight though. As you probably know CBT requires a lot of commitment and it's hard to commit when you are dealing with addiction or should I say not dealing with addiction. I use to sit in some sessions and think WTF am I doing here, this is silly, I'm fine I don't need this but the truth is, if you put the work in you do get rewards. Sounds silly but it's a little like my experience of tapering off Subs ...you have to be prepared to put yourself through some uncomfortable situations in order to move forward so I guess your success depends on your willingness to do that. It's also like exercise, give up and you go back to square one, you have to keep at it until it becomes kind of like second nature. This is just my experience of course I understand not everyone will feel the same way about CBT. I have the book Mind Over Mood, I wonder if that might be the one you have...I know it's popular. It comes in two versions, one for the patient and one for the therapist...guess which one I have, lol.

I have such a suspicious mind, I had to make sure I knew what was going on before I let them loose on me.

NikNak1 · #**102** 10-29-2009, 04:59 AM

Hi Robert, Can I ask you for a little advice. Today is supposed to be day 1 of a three day skip for me after successfully completing a two day skip. Problem is, it is only day one and I feel like I need to take a slither. I have got some aches and pains which I can deal with but I just have absolutely no go in me and the problem is it’s half term and I need to be up and about and doing things. How big a setback would it be to take .25mg today? Would I undo all the good I did in skipping for those two days. I get confused with all this half life stuff and I don’t want to go backwards.

Thanks

NikNak1 · #**103** 10-30-2009, 06:44 AM

Ended up taking .25 yesterday and today I have taken .125. Think I'll stick with this for 4 days and if all is well I'll start skipping again. Ok things have not gone exactly according to plan but at least I am moving in the right direction.

NikNak1 · #**104** 11-08-2009, 04:21 AM

I have not posted in a while but I have been around. It's been real crazy lately. I have not taken any Subs since Wednesday morning...it's Sunday just after 9am now. Not feeling too bad but I am terrified that it will suddenly just hit me. Robert, you have been a great help...I never could have got this far without your help and I thank you for that but in the end I just had to jump off. I have never been good at following instructions...it's my downfall I know...but it got to a point where I just had to take control. It seems at the moment that every issue I have ever had is coming to the surface...these are difficult times but I have to push through them.

NikNak1 · #**105** 11-08-2009, 05:00 AM

I am so upset with my fiancé right now. Now I get, as he tells me that all addicts are selfish but now I am being told that that actually all addicts are selfish to begin with and that is why we actually become addicts. I don't really need this ******** right now...why all this when I am so close. He is an intelligent man (PHD in philosophy and moving towards becoming a prof). We have been together for eight years and he is a good man but I am beginning to wonder if I am in this for the right reasons. He just has no idea about how I am feeling at the moment. I asked him to read through some of the threads here but he says my research is in all the wrong places and that I should not waste my time here.

melinda7.5 · #**106** 11-08-2009, 10:02 AM

Hi NiK Nak
You did good after this many days, I would say your done I don't think anything will hit you...
as far as your fiancé goes he will never understand what you have been thru, unless you have been addicted and gone thru this process he wont have a clue...
sometimes are mates get threatened when we get clean somehow they feel a loss of control over us...I know it sounds crazy but you would really be surprised how much that it happends...
Robert is in Houston, he will be there for another week so he has limited access to the internet right now...but I know when he sees how you have been doing it will make him smile...
we are here for you any time you need us...
Talk to you soon, Melinda

cheekysod · #**107** 11-08-2009, 05:52 PM

hey nik nak.
just wishing you all the best pal
you go for it, and don't ever turn back.
take it easy
cheeky

RubyDean · #**108** 11-10-2009, 01:38 PM

Nik, I want to send you all the love and respect you deserve. So proud of you. I always knew you would jump before me, but no worry, I am doing well, and will be soon enough.
Melinda is right about 'normies' just simply not being able to understand, it is what it is and we just have to decide what is best for us. Give it time tho, this is a difficult phase for both you and him, but the future is so bright for you now. I have been around addiction long enough to know that this is a quality place for recovery research, and it a great resource to us all. It worked for you, and that is all that matters. Sincerely, from me to you, great job, and much love with continued support. Michael.

NikNak1 · #**109** 11-11-2009, 05:39 AM

Thanks for the support guys. Today is day seven without Subs. I wish I could tell you that I am feeling great but the truth is I am not. It's the lack of energy/motivation that I find the most difficult to deal with. There is so much I want to do, need to do but my body just says "no, I don't think so". I get on here and read threads where people are going for runs and training and I think "why can't I". I suppose if it takes up to 4 days for Subs to leave the body then I am only really three days clean...so maybe I am expecting too much, too soon. I think this is the most inactive I have ever been in my life and it really gets to me. I got really frustrated and angry about it this morning. Fiancés response was "well, if you have got enough energy to throw a strop you can't be that bad"...Grrrrrrrr, hold me back I tell ya, hold me back!

Robert_325 · #**110** 11-11-2009, 10:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NikNak1

Thanks for the support guys. Today is day seven without Subs. I wish I could tell you that I am feeling great but the truth is I am not. It's the lack of energy/motivation that I find the most difficult to deal with. There is so much I want to do, need to do but my body just says "no, I don't think so". I get on here and read threads where people are going for runs and training and I think "why can't I". I suppose if it takes up to 4 days for Subs to leave the body then I am only really three days clean...so maybe I am expecting too much, too soon. I think this is the most inactive I have ever been in my life and it really gets to me. I got really frustrated and angry about it this morning. Fiancés response was "well, if you have got enough energy to throw a strop you can't be that bad"...Grrrrrrrr, hold me back I tell ya, hold me back!

Hey NikNak ......... I just wanted to say CONGRATULATIONS and tell you how proud I am of you. A week is a miracle!

Now all you have to do is stick with it and remember that YOU NEVER HAVE TO USE AGAIN!!! That is truly awesome. Your life will just keep getting better now. You'll still have the ups and downs that everyone has in life but you won't be controlled by those evil drugs.

Listen to me on the exercise thing. Start out as slow as you have to. I know that Melinda started out on a treadmill for like two minutes at a time and then built that up to where she was running each day.

But it doesn't have to be "all or nothing" starting on day one! Just do the best you can as your body has been through a lot of trauma just getting clean in itself. Don't put so much pressure on yourself.

Do remember that there will be temptations. So prepare yourself mentally to be ready when they happen as they do happen to all of us. You should be proud of your accomplishment and grateful for your success both. Stay in touch, let us know you're doing well. God bless.

cheekysod · #**111** 11-12-2009, 08:27 PM

nik nak, just want to pop in and say great stuff pal, keep on the right track, and this wee scottish git is cheering for ya.
keep posting on your weak moments, get it all out here, lots of feedback, and lots of support here.
you are doing sooooo well, keep going,
and best of british to ya pal.
cheeky

TTTDogs · #**112** 11-13-2009, 08:32 AM

NikNak,

Just wanted to chime in and tell you how proud I am of you -------------you have done an amazing job -.... also, I promise you it will get better..... I am 30 days without drugs and the fog is still lifting - In the beginning I was really impatient - wondering whether I would ever feel "normal" - or even if I would remeber what "normal" felt like ....... but now I try to look at this slow process as a daily gift.......... with a mindset of "today I feel just ok - but TOMORROW I will feel even better' - it does help me remain patient while my mind and body heal..........

My spouse - (also a highly educated - successful type) thought all issues would end with the week detox -------------- this is kind of where the work begins.......... so I stopped trying to make him understand me - and took control of my recovery - about me - for me - and started going to NA meetings - walking in the first meeting was about as painful the detox - but my fears were for nothing - the meetings have helped tremendously - THOSE folks understand me - accept me, and really want me to succeed - just a thought.........also my husband attitude has really changed - when I return from a meeting HE brings up my recovery - in a positive way - like he wants me to share with him whatever I am sharing with my group - feeling a little left out maybe - ........but it is all good.

During the tough times - just post - WE are all here for you - SOOOOOOOO proud if you and we really do understand you!

HUGS TT

NikNak1 · #**113** 11-15-2009, 03:43 AM

Hi guys...have I got some good news for you! I did not post for a few days because I really wanted to have something positive to write and now I do! I woke up yesterday (10 days without Subs) and felt near normal. I still have a "little" fatigue (like if I walk a flight of stairs), still stretching out a bit and have "mild" cold like symptoms but that nasty of lack of motivation, I can't move feeling has gone! The brain fog has gone and I am laughing again, I mean real laughter

Fiancé and I laughed so much yesterday my stomach still hurts this morning. I'm joking about with the kids lots and they are like "mum stop it, you are crazy". It's like opiates had robbed me of my soul but it's back now. I know there will be ups and downs and that life can not always be a bed of roses but I just want to let everyone who is trying to get clean know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel...a bloody big one! Don't give up, keep on going and most importantly keep posting and reading here. I could not have done it without this site and the people here. Robert, Ruby, Melinda, Cheeky, TTT Dogs, you have all helped me more than you will ever know. Some of you may not have even heard of me, but I read your posts and they helped me tremendously, people like Intelmetal, tired2 and remember Purpledog. The truth is there are so many here who have helped me throughout this journey, I could not possibly list them all. Well, it's day eleven just after eight Sunday morning and I am getting ready for the day. I hope to always be a member here...I've no plans of disappearing...sorry guys.

newyorkgal · #**114** 11-15-2009, 04:17 AM

Wow, nik, very impressive!! Good for you!!! You should be very proud of yourself. Perserverence wins out YAY!!

NikNak1 · #**115** 11-15-2009, 04:59 AM

Thanks NYG, you are actually one of the names that I did not mention but should have mentioned in my last post...came to me as soon as I'd hit the send button. Happy Sunday.

NikNak1 · #**116** 11-15-2009, 05:25 AM

My son has been playing FIFA 10 lately and I've found myself singing along to one of the songs on the game so I Googled it and came across the video...love it!

http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PVniEYCdaoM

NikNak1 · #**117** 11-15-2009, 05:30 AM

link does not work...have to type in the address instead.

cheekysod · #**118** 11-17-2009, 12:44 AM

nik nak you are doing a great job pal,
and thanks for the heads up on what maybe to expect.
and good on you remembering some of those earlier people, ive read those threads as well, they are good people.

keep cracking on pal,
yir doin great
cheeky

newyorkgal · #**119** 11-17-2009, 01:02 AM

Nik, your progress is incredible and so great to see.... I remember those old posters too. Intelmetal was a great one, wonder where he went to? and Purpledog was the very best of all, one of my favorites, until they made her leave for some reason

.... Keep on truckin' Nik, as they say (here in America anyways - or they used to LOL)

NikNak1 · #**120** 11-17-2009, 06:54 PM

About a week ago I stupidly told my brother about the abuse I suffered as a child. Not sure why I opened up. So much ******** in my head at the mo. He was ok at first but now he ignores my calls and messages and the rest of the family do not want to know me. I feel so worthless and cheap.

The person who abused me (a family member) has been dead a few years now but he is held in such high regard , I probably should not have opened up. My mother has always disliked me, she encouraged the abuse and beat me every day as a child...telling me I was ugly and dirty. Just want to get over all this ********. Not looking for sympathy, just don't know why all this ******** is coming up now...I'm a grown up and I need to get over it I know.


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