Hi To All Again,

I have already written about my current problem with the pain patch but I didn't tell you my history of serious depression.

I was diagnosed almost thirty years ago and have had to complete let up since. I have good days and bad days. I have always thought that depressed people may be masters of deception. I know when to laugh and tell a joke. I can act like I'm having a blast at a party. The catch is that the whole time I feel awful and wish I was home in my safety zone. Sometimes in bed for the whole day.

My depression hit out of the blue and I will never forget that night. I woke up in the middle of the night hypervenelating. I wanted to run, but I didn't know where to. I wanted someone to talk to me, but I didn't want to hear the sound of a voice. I wanted someone to hold me, but I couldn't let anyone touch me. So many mixed emotions all at the same time. Back in "those days" no one talked about any kind of mental illness, because everyone would think you were insane.

I went three weeks without eating,not talking to anyone, not sleeping, and just laying in my bed. I only got up to shower and even that was a chore. I ended up on the psych unit at our local hospital and it did wonders for me. I was afraid at first. I thought I was going to be locked up and there would be bars on the windows, and all those things you see on tv. That wasn't the case. I was put on amiltriptyline (elavil) and it helped. I also had panic attacks and my anxiety level was sky high, so they put me on librium. I had therapy to help me understand what was happening to me. I stayed almost a month and came home much better but far from escaping depression.

Years later when new antidepressants came out my psychiatrist tried them on me in hopes of doing away with all of my depression symtoms. It was hard because each new a/d that was tried required me to stay on it for six to eight weeks to give it a chance to work. Finally, after many tries and failures, I was put back on amiltriptyline. I am on it to this day. Over the years it has been raised to a theraputic level and I now take 200mg at bed time.

I feel I have found people that know what I have gone through and am going through now. It's the best feeling, because my family tries to understand but until you actually experience it, you have no idea how it really makes you feel.

Take Care Please,
Connie