This morning started off so great with the post from Grimm ... What a user name why can't I be creative like that. lol... I think I chose "Never me" to mock myself and remind myself that I'm never above anything... It reminds me of those words I spoke then swallowed each letter down one pill at a time till it was two pills then three pills ... Darvocet to Vicoden to Lurocet to
Percocet to Methodone ... The habits grew and so did the pills ... Thousands of times I swalled those letters with every pill I took ...Robbing me of all the good things I did in my life and making every day go by like a blur... Life seems so much better now, just being in the sunshine now moves me, funny how I never noticed it when I was using .... Hope your doing good Grimm...
Well maybe a blessing in disguise work is slow and we have been cut back to 40 hours ... Sweet ... I get to come home at 3:00 and don't have to hang at the plant ... Yep , Baby steps my work is the worst part of it it is a drug users paradise I have been there close to 20 years the plant manager has been there 21. Ever since I've know him he has been a big pain pill user in fact his wife OD'ed one time on the job. You can find almost anything you want there and when it came time to put in a drug testing program to lower insurance cost guess who designed the program... Yep, the plant manager and his wife...The only ones that get tested at our plant are the new hires anyone that had already been there before they implemented the program never gets tested. Once you pass your initial drug screen the only time you ever have to worry about being tested is if you have a bad accident ... And if you do and your dirty all you have to do is tell them and they will send you home and let you handle your injury using your private insurance. I remember once word got out about how many drugs are at our place of work that the police had the road blocked at both ends and the drug dogs out searching each and every car that came out of the plant before word got back to the plant that the police had a road block set up they had netted 57 bags of Coke out of three vehicles and were chasing one employee across a open field. Still the status quo on everything is the same today...
Well I had little problem today things went smooth my best friend told me he would have my 100.00 back to me thursday, And told me he really, really respected what I was doing... Then one of the guys I use to buy from stopped and asked me again if I was going to quit ... I told him yes that is my most sincere hope ... He laughed in my face and told me I was just like the plant manager trying to quit but never will and he told I would be back just like the plant manager always comes back... And he told me when I did come back he would make me wait ... Just like he does the plant manager... I replied that anything was possible and that he could be right... But I had not used in a week and I hope to never use again. That he had seen the last of my money or so I really hope... He laughed and told me we will see and told me he will always take a pill it feels to good to stop... And I said yes we will , the worst part is over for me now it will only get easier as time goes by and I don't use anymore...He turned around and walked off laughing and shaking his head and I felt anger swelling inside of me ... How had I left someone like that take advantage of me ... He was not concerned about me only about the money he would not make off of me once again I not only felt the disrespect he held for me but now I could see it ... But this time I knew it was different this time I was not waiting on him to get me pills. I was not worried about when I would get them or if they were what he told me he was getting me or something weaker... LOL...This time I was not worried, if anything I was pissed at the way he acted and the way he acted only made my resolve to kick this habit stronger... Nope it was not me that was worried this time ... I think the tables have turned I think that now it him that is worried ... He is worried that the cash flow from me has stopped that his easy mark is no longer there ... I don't feel hard towards him now but I think if it continues in the future it will not be me feeling disgusted and disrespected by the way he treats me or the way I feel ..It will be me feeling disgusted and disrespectful towards him for what he does and how he prays on people that have a illness.
Well 3:00 hit and I clocked out and walked out into the sunshine with a slight breeze flowing drug free another day on the job... Funny how much I see and feel the things around me more now ... The sun , the wind the green grass the smell of pollen ... All things I never gave a seconds notice to at all while using...
I pulled up at the house and checked the mail ... LOL...My federal income tax check was setting there ... Let me tell you ...It has been a great day so far ... Thank you Grimm for starting today off so well for me... Thanks to all of you on this board for all your support and words of encouragement and telling me what to do and how to do it... I don't know if I can ever repay what all of you have done for me... What was it James Stewart said in that Christams Movie??? "It's a Wonderful Life " Thanks to all of you it certainly is for me these days ... Thank you ...
Again just want to say congrates to all of you on your clean time ... And to all of you still trying I think your my heros ... Because y'all have the courage and good sense to keep trying till you get it right... And really the truth is for all of us ... Every day is a battle just because we may be clean a week or a month or longer .. We are all alike and everyday is a struggle to do the right thing... I'm not going to single any one person out here because it took this whole forum to get me where I'm at today and I thank each and everyone of you for your help and words of wisdom.