What the?? I'm high again. I'm now being secretive with my partner and buying it without his?

Hey Rfbayon,

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Kind of strange you are now 27 and I was 27 when I quit Meth. Of course in my day we didn't call it Meth we called it Speed. And we didn't smoke it. But it was Methamphetamine and the best of it was Crystal Methamphetamine. I also loved it because it took my depression away and made me not just motivated, but able to do almost anything I wanted to. I often wonder if it was the same thing or something better or worse. Based on what you just said my lovely Speed was way better than Meth. I say that because 3 days with no sleep or food was nothing. I won't even tell you how long I used to go. But I also became crazy after a while. The first time it happened to me I was battling a very deep depression and if not for Meth I may have never left my bedroom. But after I crashed from that time I was doing it at the first sign of depression, if I could get it. Speed and amphetamines were never as readily available as Heroin. I never liked Heroin. I never liked any down drugs, except alcohol. But my Love was amphetamines. At 27 I did something I can only call this: I swore off Speed. Never mind promises made to others. I swore to never use amphetamines again to myself. Because amphetamines changed me. I was no longer me. I was someone else. I even gave the me who appeared on Speed a different name. He wasn't me. In the beginning he was better, but after a time he became a manic crazy person, and he stayed that way until he could no longer get Speed and then he crashed. Hard. It's not the same as opiate wd, but in some ways it's worse because for a very long time the world looks different, seems different. It was like I entered a world that was Black and White rather than In Color. Everything felt colorless, and I felt as if dead. I'd have no energy for longer than I can remember. I started using that drug at 18 and swore off it at 27. I'm now 59 and I have never broken that promise to myself. I used plenty of other drugs, but not Speed because I swore to myself, and not to anyone else, to me, that I would never do it again.

I hear that you too change into a different person. For one thing you become a hustler. But I am sure it doesn't end there. If you are Bipolar that may mean you become manic without Meth. I didn't, I only became manic when I used Meth. Why do you like a drug that makes you manic? Is it because you think you can control the Meth mania but not the Bipolar mania?

I also agree with the previous 2 answers. You need to be on legal meds, not Meth. And counseling or therapy is recommended whenever you can afford it.

One last thing. At 47 I was given Wellbutrin and it effected me very much the same as Speed once did. The pdoc even said it was a sort of stimulant, not a SSRI and very different from other ad meds. And then 8 years ago I was put on Subutex for opiate dependency due to chronic pain. I then discovered that Buprenorphine helps my depression like nothing else. And nowadays I take 8 mg of Bupe plus one 150 mg SR Wellbutrin. A few days a week I have to stay awake all night and on those nights I take a 2nd Wellbutrin. These are all legal drugs with the doc's blessing. No more running around and hiding from paranoid delusions that come out of shadows in the night. I can remember running from them for entire nights. I only felt safe when the Sun finally came up. They weren't real. But I thought they were.

If I can help you in anyway, you can send me a private message if you want to. I made that possible for you. But until you are ready to swear off Meth, that drug will always get the better of you. In my day Heroin was considered a king. So I called Speed a queen. Queen Speed. And like a real queen, I obeyed her. Until I swore to myself Never Again. It's the only way with Meth. You simply must decide to never use it again, because it changes who you are.