What I struggle with is that in my head I think of my drug of choice as being so minimal and me?

Hey JennyLynn
We are all here for you and we have all been in the same place as you or suffered the same feelings,i think councelling would be great,i'm also a very sensitive person and before i attended therapy i was convinved everyone was against me and when someone speaking to me-i automatically put my guard up and was very defensive in a lot of situations when there was really no need,but therapy helped with that.I'm stil living with anxiety,ocd and depression but the therapy has helped me cope with it.It is'nt easy but its better than feeling so negative about myself all the time.

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I wish you the best with finding the support you need and as you already see,there's lots of great people on this site who will encourage you and help you along when you are feeling down.Do not feel alone,I am an only child so i have no sisters there for me to understand either,i just have my mum who i'm close to,but she does'nt agree with meds and thinks there's nothing wrong with me,she thinks its all hormones and it'll pass,if only it were that easy!!
Anyway you are not alone and never feel like you are,we are all here for you!
Post soon x

Hello Pattishan,

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Where to start... I have been on numerous and I mean numerous SSRI's seperately and together currently I am on Depakote 1500mg, Luvox 300mg, Wellbutrin 450mg however I have told my doctor several times that the wellbutrin is doing nothing at all for me she refuses to take me off it and the luvox is strictly to address my OCD and the Depakote is more or less my mood stabilizer... I hit the jackpot with having several officially diagnosed mental health issues: Major Depression, Panic Disorder, Polysubstance Abuse, Borderline Personality Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and Self Injurious Disorder, and Complex Post Traumatic Stress... don't u just love labels :( ... I will have to ask about pristiq I never heard of it before. I come from a severely abusive background my parents were both alcoholics fortunately they got sober when I was 19, I had some physical abuse by my mom, some trauma from a male family member my dead grandfather, divorced parents, when my parents where married they had big big blow out fights in front of my sister and I which involved equal verbal and some physical involvement and frequently the police made their appearance when we heard the beginnings of a really bad arguement well hid under beds and put our fingers in our ears and held each other. When I was 17 I babysat for my married neighbors for months until one day when I was alone with the husbandd and he made unwanted sexual advances too me, I had a bit of an eating disorder I was 5"1 and weighed 98 lbs. I began dating at 13 lost my purity at 14 to a 20 yr old who beat me and progressively dated guys who were verbally and physically violent but not anymore thank god I have an amazing sent from heaven husband of 11 yrs. who doesn't so much as raise his voice at me and caters to me at times and we have precious 5 yr old boy who I spoil probably way too much... Sorry for going on and on just seemed to spill out

I don't think I could possibly articulate enough to you that what you have said has touched my heart and my mind so deeply and I do not in any way mean to sound sappy but I think you have finally made it all clear for me and I feel like I finally understand this whole situation of mine far better after reading everyone's comments most epspecially yours. WOW this is beyond profound and incredibly helpful I don't feel so alone anymore or ignorant and have so much hope now for the future without drugs.

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FYI I downplayed just how bad I became addicted to ritalin because I was nervous but I was using it so badly that my pulse was up 160 beats and docs never knew why cause i didn't tell them obviously, had severe agitation, intense headaches daily, towards the end got somewhat paranoid, played the "pharmacy" game when I ran out early and lying to docs to get more ritalin, forged docs sig. on one script, paid 180 bucks out of pocket right before Christmas to buy a bottle because I went through the other one in one week instead of the 4 week period, and lastely ordered it online from the middle east and took it without thinking twice about its safety, and really lastely I lost count of how much I was taking and began taking and later abusing alcohol with it.

Hey JennyLynn,

I'm very happy to know that my words were of some help to you - and offered you some peace of mind. As if addiction itself weren't tough enough to overcome, the torture of our thoughts and feelings make it a thousand times worse. We beat ourselves up mercilessly, trying to make sense of our own actions while active in our addiction. Yes, what we do is nothing short of insane - it makes no sense to us, and even less sense to others. That's the true "powerlessness" of addiction. So we become an easy target for others to condemn and shame us, and we tend to believe it, ourselves.

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In time, working a program of recovery, we learn more about the disease - and come to accept that we need not feel that shame any longer. I recall a documentary-type movie I was shown while in treatment, which explained the unique chemistry of an addict - it was the first time I truly came to see that my body actually does function differently, and the affect of booze or drugs triggers a chemical reaction that basically fuels the addiction. I cried like a baby when that film was over - I was so relieved. I understood. In essence, it made sense of the insanity.

I came to see that I was hard-wired toward addiction, so I need not chastise myself for having become one. At the same time, I had to step up and take responsibility for my recovery. Yes, I had a disease - but that was no excuse for staying stuck in that disease. There is a way out! It isn't easy, but I can promise you, it's worth it. My only regret is that I didn't seek out recovery sooner, now that I've come to see how much better my life can be, drug-free. All the joy and peace that I looked for in pills and booze only came into my life when I stopped using them, and did some inner work on me. Who knew???

The drugs that you prefer ("uppers") plus klonopin are almost guaranteed to fuel your depression tremendously. The "up" to begin with will produce an even deeper "down" when the drugs stop, when you run out. The klonopin, even taken as prescribed, can be a nightmare. That's one of the drugs that I took - like you, as directed - but had NO idea how much it was harming me, until it was gone. I actually hate benzo drugs, like klonopin - for what it does to people over the long term. Those meds were meant to be taken for short-term use only, and I've witnessed dozens of folks suffer, when they're on it for years. (I work in a long-term treatment center for substance abuse, so I see these things daily.)

Do you have any support to help you to detox off these drugs - and begin the inner work that's needed to overcome the addictions? It may start with a counselor or a friend in long-term recovery, as well as NA meetings. We need HELP to stop this - it's too big to handle on our own. NA is home - and even if some person makes you feel uncomfortable there, it's their problem - not yours. As my sponsor used to tell me, don't let anyone keep you from your meetings - they belong to you, as much as they belong to each member. NA will be your lifeline.

God bless,