I have so much thats bass ackwards in my life I wont know where to start. Ive been fighting depression my whole life, Im adhd. when i was a kid i use to beg for my parents to kill me I was so miserable. Ive lost my wife and 3 kids, my company is doing really bad because I cant do paper work at all. Im so unhappy i really just want to die. Is that really so bad? I dont understand why people tell me that life is worth living??? everyday is a new day of misery and failure. At one time i had it all, money success, friends, now i have nothing but a big house thats empty. If the psychiatrist doesnt seriously give me the magic pill of life, I cant handle this.
5 Sep 2012
Hello Tim. Many of us have been in your shoes. Yes, many suffer in life. Is it worth keeping on? Of course. That magic pill of life can be just around the corner. Not being trite. I spent much of my childhood wishing I would die. It was so painful. I knew nothing else. I thought that life was unending pain.
Part of me wanted to keep going, looking for that thing that will fix it all. I did find it. I had powerful lessons to learn. I used anti depressants and talk therapy. I worked with group therapy and it was then that I heard others and saw what I was missing. I saw their pain and I finally admitted what was causing mine. That is one thing a therapist can do.
A psychiatrist will give you something to lessen the mental pain. He will recommend ways for you to start healing. This takes time. Antidepressants work slowly. In a couple weeks you will feel better. In a month you will be calmer, able to think better. For all the years so far gone, you now have a chance to get better. It takes work. It is something you can do.
Suicide is so unsatisfactory. You put people in your family and friends and coworkers through terrible pain. People's lives are forever affected and you never get to say you are sorry or give a helping hand to another. Worse of all, you don't know how close you are to a better life. And children? Oh my god, the horror they live with from that moment on of the father that left them because he didn't love them.
Start with the psychiatrist and get help. Work with a therapist and find your way out of this mess. Do it for all who love you. They may seem few and far between right now. They really aren't.
Yes, suicide is very wrong. It is selfish and destructive. It is not the choice of a man who did well before. The thought exists for one who is so very tired. Get the meds. Check into a hospital or begin the work with a therapist. Remember the eyes of your children. Keep them in your mind when you are in your darkest moments. You owe them. They need a dad.
I believe you can do this. Talk this through with us. There are many here who understand your pain. Karen
5 Sep 2012
The magical pill is in you, not in houses, Drs, money friends pets etc. IN YOU, your beating heart. YOU have the power, the option to turn from this doom and gloom and toward the miracle of life. It may be hard for you to believe, or maybe there's a part of you that doesn't want to believe it, but there IS LIFE past this dark rut you're in. You can stop looking to your losses, losses of things outside yourself, you can begin to realize you cannot walk into the future facing backwards. The magic pill is what boils down to a decision. A decision to stop believing all this death and dying stuff and one to start living. You just have to be able to face yourself, for that is all who is holding you where you are now, is you, and that same you is all there is to a brighter road. The way you see it, you have life in a shoebox labeled grief, death and gloom.
If you have all this zeal to die, which is a useless unproductive hurtful selfish solution (because believe it or not the hurt you bestow on others is undeserved by them), then you have more than you need to move forward, face forward, push the reset button and move forward, because all you need do is change course by just a few degrees and you'll see the light of hope burning so brightly it'll blind you as it pulls you forward.
Try it, because you have not tried it if you believe the things you're saying here. Print this out and take it to your appointment tomorrow. One foot in front of the other, one second at a time you have it all before you my friend. Join us on this side of the fence, it's well worth it.
5 Sep 2012
You say you have NOTHING TO LIVE FOR... YOUR KIDS ARE WHAT YOU NEED TO LIVE I FOR !!
I have a dear friend that her husband decided to commit suicide & they have 5 Precious kids.. and AFTER HER HUSBAND COMMITTED SUICIDE HER SON THAT WAS 15 COMMITTED SUICIDE... because he felt like it was HIS FAULT that he wasn't there for his dad.. And then her 13 yr old daughter tried to commit suicide also but she decided to take pills & her mom found her & got her stomach pumped out...
So I am Begging you to get a picture of your kids & put it in your wallet & every time you think about committing suicide or you just cannot think of anything you have to live for... You will see your precious kids faces.. Think of what you still have that is worth living..
And remember that committing suicide is the MOST SELFISH thing you could EVER do to your kids & your family will have such a awful pain & whole in there heart.
I know if you sat down & made a list that you would find you have more to live for than what you think.
Plus it sounds like Alot of your problems are due to your ADHD. And it also sounds like you did Not get treatment for it as a child.. Which is Really Sad that your child hood was that bad...
But trust me as was diagnosed with ADHD when I was young & was on medication for a little while until my mom did not want to pay for my medicine.. ( I had a crappy & rough childhood also).. But I had been taking a drug called Nuvigel the last several years.
But I was taking it more to help me with my concentration & for my Chronic Fatigue.
But Please NEVER GIVE UP... The best way to talk to your therapist is tell her the Absolute TRUTH about how you feel.. There are a TON of medications that can help you out.. But you as others have mentioned above... You Are the one that has to say to Yourself that you are going to have to WANT TO GET BETTER... Because that is your Biggest MIRACLE PILL that will help you.
There is a great support group here so talk with us either on the board or the a "Private Question" that is kept only between you & the friend...
I will send you a friend request if you would like to talk privately.
There are SO MANY people on these boards that have been were you are right now.. So I wish you the best & please get a picture of your kids & keep ir in your wallet & pull it out when you are thinking of giving up... & think to yourself..
I am going to make my kids proud of me
... I wish you the best & I am here if you need anything. Kathy
5 Sep 2012
Hello fallentim. Reading your thread, you've your appointment today. I believe its time for a change in your medications. Or at least a re-evaluation of the ones you are currently taking. Having ADHD and not being able to concentrate is a major issue on its own. Add major depression and you've a full plate. Good luck today, life always turns around and you'll be feeling better. pledge
5 Sep 2012
Last year I was where you are. I tried 4 times to die, but things got in the way. I am not going to tell you a story about how my life compares with yours. I am going to tell you that you have started down a path that you have to believe in.
These days a psychiatrist is only one of the people you need. He is the only one that can dispense drugs, but he may or may not be the one to talk to.
You need a therapist as well. This is the person you can talk to. You need someone to talk to.
Between the two of them, and they will work together, you can really get help. It will not be an instant change, but you can expect something in days to weeks from the psychiatrist, but in can take months to years from the therapist.
I write this in tears, because I know exactly how you feel. Please try one more time to believe. It is worth it. I KNOW!
5 Sep 2012
I've never felt like this so all I'm going to say is that I am praying for you! I know we are each created special and for a specific reason. Life does get in the way sometimes, I have been there and can identify on that part of your life. There isnt a person on the planet that hasn't had a problem regardless of their financial situation. We measure success all wrong in these times, I would give anything to have beautiful children. After my son died I lost the man I thought I couldn't breathe without, but after some healing time, I dusted myself off and made a successful life. After 13 years I met a wonderful man with 2 beautiful daughters. Now I'm Mimi to an adorable 4 year old that thinks I hung the moon! I've had major health problems all my life, but I never let anyone know about them until they became obvious with age. Now I have a real family that loves me anyway.
God bless you, for you are a very special person to many more people than you know. And, we are all having financial problems right now! Anyone who faces what we do everyday has some financial concerns!
I know you can do whatever it takes for your kids! My thoughts will also be with you, Niki
5 Sep 2012
Hello Tim - I wanted to mention that you are expecting way too much out of a first visit with this psychiatrist AND from a pill. There are no magic pills. Nothing is going to work on day 1 and you have to stick it out to see if what the doctor prescribes even works. I have been down your path, too. The only difference is I acted on my threats. And, thank goodness I have the right doctor who stuck it out with me when I was beyond defiant. If you have the "courage" still to go to a psychiatrist... then you still have the "will" to keep going. We are NOT counselors here nor are we therapists or doctors acting in those capacities. If you want help... we are here to support you in getting help for yourself and to encourage you as you go on that journey.
Maybe you should sell your house and move into something smaller and more manageable. Yes, the market is terrible right now but I would think your quality of life is worth a whole lot more than whatever equity you may or may not lose. Your profile does say a lot but it doesn't say enough about what it is that you truly want out of life or what you are willing to put back into it. I hope today is a good experience with this doctor and gets you back on the right track.
6 Sep 2012
Depending on the Psych a number of things are apt to. Many of them are convinced Adult ADHD is an impossibility. Meds will more than likely be prescribed. I have ADHD and one problem is symptoms of Bipolar are extremely close & Anti- depressants, anti- convulsants, a ton of "mood stabilzers" get handed out like candy. Some work meaning you aren't depressed, stressed, anxious etc. Problem w/ that is you become numb after time, quitting them makes you weird in the head & they may not solve anything. Due to Adhd which I take
Adderall for & valium for anxiety. When I began healthcare through the VA I had to visit the Shrink monthly to fill my meds which I had taken several yrs. Took awhile but she gave me those, but also Zoloft just in case bipolar. She left & her replacement wouldn't fill my adhd meds so I got a 2nd then 3rd opinion. I have been given at least 10 different anti- depressants, etc. Allof them made me
sick & an emotional mess. Your losses sound severe, but I have had much difficulty. Adhd is worse than it gets
Credit for. Know it's overdiagnosed i kids, but Drs that say adults can't have it don't
know. The biggest conclusion about Psychs I have come to is that 10 different ones would have 10 different meds. They wouldn 't agree. & they probably would have at least 3-5 different diagnoses for you.
18 Nov 2012
As other members have stated, there is no "magic pill of life". I'm sorry that your life isn't going exactly as planned but are you actively trying to fix it or take on a new approach or are you just waiting for something better to happen? The latter won't work. It rarely does. It's good that you're aware that there's a problem and you've made an appointment with a psychiatrist, but you're expecting FAR too much from someone else.
Mental health and happiness are a daily effort. It seems so easy to just give up and float away. People have this strange notion that happy people are naturally happy. Or that they're happy because everything is just peaches for them. That's bull. We all try. We all struggle. It helps me to count small victories. Like today I showered and put on pants. It sounds sad but for me, it's a step in the right direction.
Message me if you need to.
7 Mar 2013
Depression is baffling at best and tormenting at worst. Physical pain is a cakewalk compared to the mental,emotional, psychological and spiritual pain of depression.
Hopefully your psychiatrist will find meds to help you through this but counseling is a must!
Look for a "rapid resolution" therapist. They can work through issues quickly and get your life back!
29 Mar 2013
You go in with an open mind!there is no such thing as a happy pill or whatever people call it.your dr also doesn't have the answers!you are sitting with all the ingredients of your unhappiness whether it is love finance relationship or whatever is bothering you.if you expect a immediate answer to your questions you are in for a surprice.don't expect anything than you can't b disappointed!I'm not a dr but what I can give you is my own lessons that iv learned through walking thru th e valley of death!that what use to call it because I had no hope everything was dark!I was just there!you already start doing the right thing to come to th realisation you need help!2nd step you expect that dr is going to have th answer even though this is not the right way dr is going to help you work through your concerns!and the answer is not coming immediately ,there are layers upon layer to deal with!we are so damage by a lot of things around us!that we dnt have control of let ...
that b!work with your dr thru the issues that u have control of!be Honest and true to urself!only than healing can start!iv been there done that sometime veeeeeery disappointed with my dr!but I'm with her for six years its only in the last year that I'm happy where I at!in the NOW!wish you all the best and just embrace your situation,meaning b at Peace!do not Fight with urself You Must Love Urself!all of the best!
18 Jun 2013
In the year 2002, I suffered from depression to the point I absolutely didn't want to live. I had almost continuously been a student for 20 years, while, half-heartedly raising a family for the previous 15 years. I had just finished law-school, so I stayed home to study for the bar. My children, who were just gliding into their terrible teens, finally saw mommy home, so they were doing everything possible (whether near-legal or illegal) to get noticed. I felt guilty for having been a buried-in-the-books parent, who did not know her own children. To top it all off, I just couldn't pass the bar after 3 attempts. I felt worthless and guilty. I felt that I had thrown away all those years of studying and for nothing because I had nearly lost my children who were then rebellious. I stayed home, supposedly to study for the bar, but I cried all day, day after day. I gradually could not even get out of bed.
I would drag myself into the shower, thinking that it was useless, but that just maybe, I could snap out of my mental state some day. I absolutely could not afford a Psychologist or a Psychiatrist, and depression was hardly known back then. There were no support groups and my husband thought I was just plain lazy and insulted me. We would end up fighting mainly for money and for me not producing any of it. I tried to get a job, but the economy was gradually getting worse and worse, to the point where there was massive unemployment. I was desperate and I didn't want to live. I remembered that in my teens, a Christian man had once told me that: "Man lives not by bread alone, but by the Word of God, so I TURNED TO LEARNING ABOUT GOD. For the first time ever, I owned a bible, and I read it and read it. I even had Jehovah's Witnesses come over to my home and teach me about God and Jesus Christ. It was from the word of God that I learned the important things in life are not the material things. The spiritual values are the most important things in life, and the material things are given to us as GIFTS OF GOD. The Bible says: "God gives riches and he adds no pain with it." WE CAN HAVE MATERIAL POSSESSIONS, but we need spiritual guidance to do things right in the eyes of God. HE WILL NOT ABANDON US. He says, "I will not forsake you, and I will not abandon you." GOD WILL BLESS YOU, He promises, and He is faithful. God never lies. Depression has gradually disappeared from my life. Problems come and go, but God is now with me to help me make the right decisions and to help me support the problems. He carries the load for me. I have a lot of blessings from God, he has even given me riches. He blesses my children too. Everything is gradual. There is no quick fix to anything. So don't let down your arms. Even God says to keep on working and he will bless us.
19 Jun 2013
I've only just read your post and am hoping that you are doing very much better now. I am also hoping that your psychiatrist has helped you find why you have had such serious depression in your life, especially at such a young age. You won't find this an easy road and, again, hopefully, you are on a medication that has helped you feel like you are not falling into a bottomless pit. From what you have said I believe you have a couple of things going on: something happened to you as a child which made you feel like you were not worth even being alive, and you may also have a chemical imbalance which has caused you to have these feelings. I worked with children and teens for many years who expressed feeling as you have. Fre-quently they had bipolar disease (manic/depressive disorder - whatever the present diagnostic term in use) or major depressive disorder. Medication and therapy really does work. I've had fibromyalgia for 25 years and am constantly challenged by it. Only love from friends and family (often your friends ARE your family) and medication have kept me going. My children haven't always been there for me and my husband gambled away everything we had. However, I have never stopped loving my grown children and that
also helps keep me going. I've just tried a new medication which, unfortunately, did not work and left me feeling suicidal. I kept telling
myself I don't know what will happen if I chose to leave this world, but I do know that by staying here I can make a difference to someone or something. I'm not done with my walk here and neither are you. Just your email from 6 months ago has made a difference to me. Keep the faith.
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