I really need some help PLEASE! I've been dating this guy for over two years. He proposed to me a year ago and everything was great. Then two weeks ago I decided to surprise him and walk home, but the surprise was for me. He saw me coming so he went down to greet me but when I saw him, he was all blue and stuff. I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing. But then he fainted. We called 911 and in the hospital I found out that he had an overdose. He was overdosed of Heroin. My world was destroyed. I've never noticed that he was doing drugs but that night at the hospital his dad decided to come clean to me and tell me that he was doing drugs all along. I couldnt tolerate that so I broke up with him. I really love him so I told him that if he seeks for help I would give him a second chance but I dont know anymore. He cries and begs everyday to be together but I dont know if I can. Why? Because the last time I saw him he was high. I knew he was high, I told him he was but he would deny it. I dont know what to do! And then his mom calls me to tell me not to leave him. That he needs me. I dont know what to believe. He told me he was gonna change but I dont know if I want to believe him or not. Can you believe a drug addict? I'm gonna miss him too, but is it fair for me? I feel like if I forever leave I'm being selfish but then at the same time I'm in school and I dont wanna spend my life with somebody that wont change, or will he?
I really need your help.. What do you think? Should I move on and leave this chapter behind, or should I not be so selfish and help him even more than what I've done before?
Am I being selfish for leaving??
Please help me!! Please :(
My boyfriend is addicted to drugs?
- Posted:
- 29 Jul 2010 by lalita24
- Topics:
- drug dependence
Responses (17)
Anonymous 29 Jul 2010
lalita24, It is not selfishness if you dump a heroin junkie, it is self preservation!!! He has to get clean for himself, and no one else. Do you want to have children with a man that is a heroin addict? Will you ever trust this man again?
I'm not trying to be rude, but these are important questions you must ask yourself.
Best wishes to you.
jk1329 Jul 2010
You know, there are options for Heroin junkies that are better than Methadone, such as Subutex - just look it up on this site, read about it, and read the reviews. Addiction is a DISEASE, just like mental illness, and has a huge huge stigma attached to it. The reason why I would suggest is cause according to wikipedia
"Suboxone (orange color, hexagonal shaped tablet, orange flavored, one part naloxone for every four parts buprenorphine)."
source can be found at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buprenorphine
The Naloxone is the super cool part about it, and once again, referencing my good ol friend wikipedia
christineATU
30 Jul 2010
I respectfully disagree with parts of your answer jk13. First, I don't think it's fair to make her feel guilty should she decide to leave as she shouldn't have to "babysit" an addict. However, I do agree 100% that addiction is a disease that is treatable. But he needs professional help. Suboxone and counseling are his best hope if he truly wants to stop H. The flip side to that, he may feel like he's being forced to stop using, knowing it will only make him sick and may become resentful if he really doesn't want to quit. Or is quitting just to appease her. Obviously she loves him dearly. But she can not let herself get dragged down with him. She can support him, love him, encourage him, but it MUST be HIS decision. Please don't take offense to my opinions you seem like a very caring person.
jk13
30 Jul 2010
I don't take offense at all, and like this site due to all of the different points of views, in fact, appreciate your point that I didn't bring up (I really am being sincere about this). First of all, I'm really really really sincerely sorry if I made lalita24 feel guilty, as that's the absolutely very last thing that I intended, however just wanted to provide an alternate point of view, one that I didn't see being offered. It would not be selfish at all to leave a boyfriend who has an addiction. There are so so sooo many details that I don't know about the relationship, it's a decision that no one here can really make an the final calls on, or what's best for lalita24. I wrote my response from the standpoint that what if someone who I loved, such as my wife (before we got married and had kids), developed a heroin addiction. For us, our situation would be very very different than what her's may be.
"cat daddy"
arcanoidc...29 Jul 2010
I think that he could use some medical help first and then he should go through a detox or rehabilitation facilty.I can say only this "Is he a junky or a good guy just dragged down by his peers"??I will leave you to dwell upon your thoughts but in all honesty this guy sounds alot like a junkie.
29 Jul 2010
Hi, I agree with both answers.
I was an addict for 20 years to different drugs, I was married twice have two wonferful kids a son and a daughter. I am 41 been clean for 9 years.
The main issue a part of him being a addcit (never telling the truth) to a hardcore drug... is that they (I) love drugs first and you come secondand the children third.-
I have been there and left both of my wives. Because I was in love with drugs and the "lifestyle".- Dump him, nothing good for you will come of all this , you will suffer like you have never suffered before... it is better to do it now... than later with children... if you are planning on having any.
You are not being selfish... but you deserve a lot better.-
Heroin is one of the most addictive drugs, very hard to kick, and a lot of relapses... you will go throuhg hell... move on.-
maso4169
30 Jul 2010
Just one last comment, we all cheat, I did many times.
Anonymous 30 Jul 2010
I think your really going to need to put your heart into this one and let it guide you to what you know is right. Love is blind you cant blind yourself this time you have to watch what you choose for yourself you future and your kids future. One thing you need to remember however is he will forever have an addiction even if he has been sober for 20 years he will always need to go to meetings to help him stay away from the drug. Your always going to have eyes behind your back to see what he is doing all around you. You might decide to turn your back and that one chance he gets he might get high. So before you choose weigh out the bad and good to this relationship see which one weighs more and what you can both benefit from this relationship or not benefit. Good luck you both will be in my prayers.
christine...30 Jul 2010
NO! You are not being selfish for leaving him. But if you want to help him, do it from a safe distance. It must be his decision to quit H. If you choose to help him, do it by filling your mind with every bit of information you could find out about H addiction, counseling, the percentages of relapse, suboxone, I mean EVERY bit of info you could find. Knowledge is your best tool for helping him, or your best defense for guarding yourself from his lies. I know you must be devastated over this. Why did his family keep this from you? I hope and pray you can come to terms with this and do what is best for you. Please come back to this site for support and encouragement as often as you can.
My very best wishes,
Chris
jk13
30 Jul 2010
short and sweet - I think that this is the best advise that one can give, (as I have a tendency to ramble a bit)! Knowledge, and do what's best for you (and that's not being selfish at all)!
christineATU
30 Jul 2010
You haven't rambled, just gave as much info as you could. That is the most helpful for Lalita. Everyone certainly gave her much to think about. I think time is needed to absorb all this information...
Anonymous 30 Jul 2010
http://www.vicodinwithdrawal.org/alternative-medicine/thomas-recipe-opiate-detox/
recipe for detox off hard drugs
christineATU
30 Jul 2010
Many people have had success with "Thomas Recipe"
beanmarie
31 Jul 2010
Amen, my good friend!!!
htwooh2 Aug 2010
Absolutely leave!! Save yourself before this person ruins your life. You are so young and you can meet many more potential husbands or boyfriends - that is what dating is for . Don't settle for the first crap pot that comes along... do not stick around for the nightmare to get worse. When you said you were in high school I could not type fast enough. Why would you stick with someone who lied to you and his family lied to you .NO you cannot trust a practicing heroin addict and you can't trust any addict who is not in recovery and this one sound like he just gets his family to cover for him and that is the way it would always be. They just want you to take him off their backs so they won't have to babysit him because that is what your life would be like. Chose life with a person who is responsible unless you want to be a phsycological and emotional mess all your life.
pattishan612 Aug 2010
This man's parents are just as helpless to help him as you are, but, they are his parents. He has to help himself, no one can actually stop someone else from using these types of drugs. I think it was highly unfair of the Mom to call and guilt trip you into staying with him. That is called emotional black mail and it is wrong. YOU ARE NOT being selfish if you leave. If anyone does stay with an addict for whatever reason, please attend at least 1 AL ANON meeting. This is a support group for people who have a family member or loved one with an addiction to alcohol or drugs. It really can help the loved one learn how to not let the addict ruin the loved ones life. They do have Narc Anon, but, those meetings are fewer and farer in between so I always say AL Anon, but it is either or. If it hurts you too much to say good bye forever, then make an agreement to reconnect after he has been sober for 1 year and take it really easy from there.
jk13
2 Aug 2010
Not a bad thought really, a proof of sobriety for a period of time. If for nothing else, it proves to you that he's sobering up for himself, and not only just to keep a relationship going, and to do that, a period of time would have to be substancial as was suggested. Also very true that it's way to hard to look at a situation objectively when you're involved, and stepping back could give a much needed perspective on things as a whole. I'd have to also agree with pattishane61 - but I'm not an expert, and a call to your personal doctor might be able to point you to someone who could give the best advise out of us all, someone who is highly regarded in the field of addiction recovery in your area.
"cat daddy"11 Aug 2010
Man, this is a tough one. The truth is that there is always hope. Junkies are like little kids. They want what they want when they want it. So, like a little kid you gotta give him a time out. Suboxone is definately the way for him to go and it would help him if he lets it. But for your own piece of mind you almost got to have proof. The med.'s will help with a program and if he and his family are willing to be truthful and get help, ( he needs NA... the family needs some kind of an alanon type program because they are ill too) you deserve to have proof that EVERYONE is working toward a common goal and not tomorrow but right now. It might be too little too late but if you really do care for this person you can be part of the cure even if it is too late for you to ever trust him again. At least that way you know that you did everything you could to help him with his demons.
Anonymous 11 Aug 2010
Great advice Cat!
ilovejesu...13 Sep 2010
I have been with my husband for almost 3 years now. I monitor him like Sherlock holmes. Hes on suboxone. He always finds a way around that to use other drugs and thinks I'm nagging when I notice his lethargic behavior. Hes been on suboxone for years. Hes slipped so many times. It's driving me crazy. I have no life! He lies,he never wants to talk about it but becomes defensive and nasty. I have been by his side at every meeting,every doctors appt.,ever psychotherapist,monitor the pharmacies,give him his meds as I keep them locked in a safe,talks to him and I always get the same excuses. I'm so tired. Just tired and wearing down. I need to leave him so I can have some peace of mind for a while. I wanted to always be here to fix him but he always finds a way around the truth.I don't know how much longer I can take it. I decided today to just take a plan of action and leave. I can't take the pain anymore.
jk13
13 Sep 2010
Wow, you're in my prayers, and wish you all of the strength possible!
You deserve more than this, and are a saint for putting up with it for as long as you have. Best of luck to you,
sincerely,
Jeff K
13 Sep 2010
BLESS YOU! Guilt is part of the problem for us women. It's so hard because we always try to fix whats wrong and its impossible. He needs professional help! You need to run not walk away and let him go to a treatment center while he continues to tell you how much he loves you and he will change. Its not going to happen. The longer you stay the more you take away from who you are. You deserve someone who can love you without you being a caretaker. You deserve a good life. They will continue to feed you all the lies they can dream up or anything to get to your heart. Above all don't feel guilty. You can love him but from afar. If he has overdosed already then its been going on longer than you even knew. I will pray for you and please continue to let me know how you are doing. His mother will always take up for him no matter what. Take your own life in your hands and LIVE! ONCE AN ADDICT ALWAYS AN ADDICT. They dont change they just learn better ways to hide it. GOD BLESS, Denise
Anonymous 13 Sep 2010
I respectfully disagree with you ilovejesus, I was dependant on opiate pain meds and have been clean one year and two days. Some people CAN change if they have the ovaries/balls to do so.
sweetlemon
jk13
13 Sep 2010
I do have to say, that from my initial response, to now, that my point of view, and understanding of this sort of issue has been vastly changed. Unless he wants to change and get help, there's no way that anything will ever change - and if he's doing it for you, all the worse, cause then it's just a fasad. Even after recovery, relaps on this sort of drug is so likely, that the odds are awful! I have never been directly put in a situation like this, but at least now have a much better understanding as to what this sort of disease entails. True, it's a disease, but, it's a disease that destroys lives, and takes down people and relationships with it, causing severe psychological damage. I hope for the best of all of you how have gone threw or are going threw this senario.
14 Sep 2010
i was kind of in your shoes one time ... i knew a man 5 months an then married him ... very long time ago (26yrs)before we were married i never knew he did drugs but man the night of our honeymoon he started drinking an popping pills an he never stopped i got pregnant an he got worse all the begging an threating to leave never worked.so i finnaly decided to leave him ... to this day hes still doing hard street drugs an never regrets anything ... i guess this is the life he wonted ... not a family but a life of drugs ... so i say GO i dont think he will ever change ... an i dont even know him i just know some people will not change no matter what... do you know the old saying... a woman marries a man hopeing he will change ... a man marries a woman hopeing she will never change
25 Oct 2010
You are not being selfish. I am a recovering opiate addict and I am in withdrawals right now. I dragged a man I loved through the mud for 2 years claiming Id get clean and all the usual BS. Heres the deal, he hasn't been honest with you since day one. How can you ever trust him if he has lied about something so big. I believe that the drugs change the person using. They sure changed me. I was a different person. Im not saying he isn't a good man or that you guys aren't really in love but the thing is he can never give you what you deserve in a relationship when he is using. Because opiate addicts become consumed with the drug. Physically and mentally it rules your life and it matters more than ANYTHING else. It is WRONG for them to make your feel guilty. It is not your battle to fight. He has to WANT to get better. It takes will power and pure grit to fight these withdrawals. I have been trying to get clean for years and I'm just now finally ready to do this.
21 Dec 2010
Leave as fast as you can, find a place, go stay with a friend, tell him to leave. Once an addict always an addict, even if they stop using (however UNLIKELY) they still have MANY addictive traits and it does not change. My daughters father is a crack addict and when she was 5 I put him out, I told him if he could get recovery, find a job and support himself for 5 years, I would gladly take him back, because he was a really good person. WELL, my daughter is almost 20 now and he is still using, 3 rehabs, 4 jobs, 5 apartments later (no car either) nothing has changed.
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