I am married to a drug abuser. We have been together for 17 years. I am 34 with an 8 year old son. I have never done drugs and did not realize his problem for many years. he's done it all, heroin, morphine, pot, pills, now its roxys. We were separated for 3 years but I took him back becasue he said he changed. He is back to his old tricks. We moved away from our families 2 years ago for a new start. He is still using, stealing and lying.I sleep with my purse under my pillow for fear of him stealing from me. His family fully supports me and tell me to leave him. They are wonderful. He says it is my fault, because I am a bitch he uses, but I am a bitch because he uses. He works sometimes but keeps his money for himself while I pay the bills and take care of our son. I do love him which sounds absurd I know, I am currenlt in grad school but can't believe how stupid I am being by staying. My son adores him. I know I should move home, I do know that but I feel like I don't have the guts to do it. I don't even know if I am in love with him anymore, I care about him but not like I used to. He kills me slowly everyday. Sometimes I don not even know who I am anymore. Please help!!
Married to a drug addict, need the guts to say good bye?
- 4 Oct 2011 by baxtunoz
6 Oct 2011
Have you tried giving him a two choice plan?
Choice number one is to let him know that you love him very much but that you cannot watch him slowly kill himself and destroy your son who also loves him a great deal and that you are leaving the marriage and he may see your son when he gets clean.
The best choice I believe is number two. Sometimes in choice number two, you may need help from family and friends.
This is choice number two. Try to put choice number two in action on your own if you think you can do it safely.
If you do not feel you can do it safely and on your own, then plan an intervention or a surprise party if it is easier for you to call it that than an intervention.
If you are going with the “surprise party” get as many family members and friends as you can that can see the damage his drug use has caused. MAKE SURE NOT TO INVITE HIS USER BUDDY’S. Set this up to be at your house and give yourself plenty of time to set it up right.
Before you, do the intervention you need to find an inpatient rehab hospital and have everything set up for his admission and all without his knowledge. Make sure you even have a bag with the things he will need at the hospital packed and ready to go.
Next on your own or with the support of the “surprise party” explain your desire for him to get treatment, by calmly pointing out how it is affecting your family emotionally, physically, and monetarily. Reassure him that you love him and want to be together as a family but at the same time firmly telling him that unless he goes right now you will immediately end the marriage. Make sure to impress upon him that you will be there every step of the way supporting him and cheering him on. Do not give him the option of time to think about it. It has to be a right now or never scenario.
I know this seem like an unachievable task, but I have done this and I am happy to say that choice number two was a success. It is not easy, and he will need a lot from you for the first few months, but if you truly do love him as you say, it will be well worth it.
This may not be what you had in mind, but I thought I would share my experience with and show you that there is still hope.
Best of luck!
21 Jul 2013
You need to consider who do you love more, your husband or your son. If OCS gets involved they will take your son from you because you are staying willingly with your druggie husband. So there is your answer. Make the right decision, your son goodbye druggie husband. Good Luck.
5 Oct 2011
This is a hard one for me. Being a male and once addicted to Oxycotin I empathize with you both. You love him but he is not trying. I think you have to leave and at least tell him he needs to go to rehab and/or get off the drugs, something before you will even discuss reconcilation. If you are already at your breaking point and tried this, then you know what you must do. It is true it is an illness but all of us who have been addicted know how difficult it was on the other person. He does not realize or care now but someday he will get it. If you by then have a new life, he will understand when he is clean. You'll see. N/A will be helpful but it is you who must remove yourself from the nightmare. It is not how partners live. You already know that.
My heart goes out to you but it is time for you to force action or take flight.
My best wishes to you
4 Oct 2011
Perhaps you should get him to leave your home? This is HIS problem, not yours, and drug addicts love to blame others for their problems! Tis not your fault at all. And I'm sure you are not a bitch and who would blame you if you were??
If you have to sleep with your purse under your pillow, then it's time to cut bait and call it a day!! (mixing my metaphors, but you get the idea)
Do you own your home? If so, toss this man out on his ear, if he becomes violent, call the police immediately, and they will escort him out.
IF you are in fear for you or your child's life, then by all means leave him, and leave the house. But posession is 9/10ths of the law, or so I'm told.
Best wishes and please post again, let us know how you are doing???
5 Oct 2011
Wow..thank you all for your support. I am glad I joined this forum. We live in an apt and the police have told me it is his home too and I can't make him leave. Whats so bizarre about my situation is that when he has no money, Mon-Thurs, he is almost normal again. Then money comes into the picture and everything changes. He says he doesnt need rehab, he can stop, been there done that. I realize this is a disease but being untreated it is a nightmare. thanks again for all the support!
5 Oct 2011
Baxtunoz, oh sweety I know your in a tough spot but you are strong, levelheaded and know what you need to do for yourself and your son. I know how you feel to love someone for so long. And no matter how obserb you feel the truth is it is kind of imprinted in you your responsibilities for the vows you took and being a mother. Somewhere in your mind you "think" you can fix it. Or that you "should" trueth be told you can't and that is no fault of your own maybe or probably he's not even able to fix it. And you right there is a huge differnce between loving him and being in love. I'm sure you love him and don't want anything to happen to him but you can't be in love with somene who doesn't love or care about themselves. And if he is stealing, lying and not having regaurd for his family he doesn't care for himself.
It is hard for you you are use to him your life the cirrcumstances but you will feel THIS MUCH BETTER!!! You will have a weight lifted off your shoulders the relief of knowing you ARE doing what's RIGHT for YOUR SON and YOU. Sweety start loving yourself again. Your son will appreciate it it will take him time to understand don't explain more than you need to but let him know everythings gonna be ok!! You and his dad need to figure out the best way to take care of your family needs. If you feel you are in any danger you need to call police station have them come and remove him or you and your son. Even if he's never been physically violent drugs and the addiction can change him when buttoms is settling in and he can act in anger of fear of what he's loosing. You sound yourself with friends, family support groups. Your son to stay focused on making sure he knows he's got you if he needs to talk, hang out with play a game. I've been where you are and I will be here for you if you need to talk cry scream feel free to private question me ill give you my email or phone number if you ever need to talk I hope this is helping and hope I'm making sense just got out of hospital alittle medicated. Your friend jaime }litlmommag... stay strong... take care
4 Oct 2011
Welcome to the site baxtunoz. Was it his idea to move away from the families? I'd bet it was. Keeps you out of the loop, & a way out. Go to NA meetings, & you will soon learn none of this is your fault. First & foremost is to get you & your son the hell out of there. If you have to sneak away in the middle of the night do it!!! Your young son is at an impressionable age right now, & the impression your man is giving is not right at all. For your own safety, see if there is a shelter where you live for abused women. Go there until you get the funds to leave, then run & don't turn back. Been there, done that. I wish you the best...
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