Looking for advice or support dealing with my depressed wife?

I'm sorry you're going through a rough time right now. It is not easy to deal with someone who is depressed. You have the right to feel abandoned and angry . Please try to remember that this sin't her fault. I would imagine that her refusing to be med compliant is making you more angry at her. For someone who has not experienced depression, it can be very hard to understand what your wife is going through.

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I have had clinical depression since I was 18. I take medication and was even hospitalized for post partum depression after the birth of our 3rd child. Even with all the experience I've had with my depression there are still times I don't even recognize I'm depressed untill I'm on the other side of things. There have been times when my husband has told me I'm depressed and not acting like myself. I would get very angry when he said that. I would tell him I'm not depressed this is just my personality. It's not untill I'd be back on my meds that I could see that I truly was depressed.

I know that taking care of someone with depression is alot to handle. I have put my husband through alot of stress and have burdened him with extra work with the kids and the house when I was unable to do those things myself. We had to work extra hard at our marriage during those times. He had some resentment towards me for being ill and not being proactive in getting better. I had resentment towards him for being insensitive and getting frustrated with me. We even went to couples counseling. The marriage counseling was extremely helpful at getting us to understand what the other person was going through.

I would advise you to keep getting her help. An inpatient program might greatly benefit her. It will also take some of that burden off of you. You should play the role of a loving caring husband and not the psychologist/caregiver. You may also want to find a support group for spouses of those living with depression. Going to counseling by yourself can also help you learn how to deal with her and also give you a place to vent. Venting to her right now would not being a good thing.

I hope this helped at least a little bit.

Hello Nick. My name is pledge. And welcome. I read and I understand how you are feeling. Its a bit frustrating to say the least. especially, as you indicated, when after your wife has a good day, then it all falls apart. Its been two weeks, as to her being on medication. That as a "rule" dislike that word but usually, results begin around the fourth week after beginning them. Her depression is taking its toll. It does that. And you are seeing it firsthand. What she is going through, to a person who hasn't experienced it, meaning depression, is often hard to describe.

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A large part of your wifes behaviour is through no fault of her own. The laying in bed, couch, is another part of her illness. If she could, she would, get up, be active and do what she once used to do. Shes not herself. Becoming angry might help you to vent, but will not faze her. It will just make her go more into a shell, pit, hole, call it what you want. Shes seeing a psychiatrist, getting medication, thats progress. Compliment her, that shes doing that. You'll be amazed at something as easy as saying, how did it go with your dr.? then, add, "glad that you are looking better, must be because you might be feeling a bit more like your old self" Even though it might not be so, its a positive for her. I over the years, have had my moments in my marriage.

I also suffer from depression Nick. It has and still to this day, has played a role, number on me. Its often such a fight, it drains me. As it does so many of us. The daily grind. The medications, the dr. asking the same old same old " how are you feeling?" If I could get a dollar for everytime that this question has been asked of me, I'd be a wealthy man. Ha! No magic. Sad to say. Just, Nick give her some time. You've sixteen years together. As you said from the onset, her looseing her job was not her fault. Best of wishes go out to you, your wife and children, feel free to ask as many questions as you care to. Someone will always be here, to lend support, the best way we know how.

Hi, i think mel has offered some good advise. I would just like to add that i lost my job last May (2010). And it has hit me unbelievably hard. I still haven't gotten over it but am at least coping with it now. I was unfairly dismissed. My job was my life, i had been working in this profession for 9 years and had been training towards a qualification. I had about 3 months to go until i had completed 3 years of work and would finally be given my certificate when i was fired. I had to leave my job suddenly and lost contact will all of my colleagues, which some i called friends.

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I tried to deal with it and kept telling myself that 'it's not as if someone has died'. I eventually received counselling because i needed to be able to talk about how upset i was and my counsellor told me that it is not unusual to feel this much grief and it isn't uncommon for this to feel as if you have in fact experienced a 'death'. I felt i had no purpose in life anymore and didn't see a reason to get out of bed in morning, so i can completely sympathise with your wife feeling the same way. I felt hopeless and convinced myself that i would never find a job as good as the last one. Being in the same shoes as your wife it is easy for me to understand where she is coming from, but as mel says, if you haven't been there yourself it can be really hard.

I definately agree that you should seek some counselling for yourself so you can learn the best way to deal with your wifes behaviour and so YOU can get support. I also strongly agree that your wife NEEDS to talk to someone about the pain she is experiencing. She may try to deny she has depression but she clearly is experiencing depression at the moment. I'm sure you are aware that unless the tablets she has been prescribed are taken daily they won't be effective. Also, you may not notice a marked difference in her moods until about 4 weeks after starting taking the meds correctly, it is important that she persevere though because all anti-depressant drugs require this time period to work at full effect. I am more than happy to discuss your wifes job loss with her if you think it would help? She can contact me privately.

You have done the right thing to ask for help. I don't think it would be a good idea for your wife to be pushed in to finding another job just yet, but she does need something to focus on. It's great that she hasn't abandoned her parental responsibilities at least. Can you try to get her out of the house, for a drive in the car to somewhere nice, or just a walk? Maybe you can take her to the movies so to keep her mind off her troubles. Please write again if you want more advice. I'm thinking of you both

I, too, have suffered from depression on and off since I was a young girl. I, too, lost a job awhile back and it took about two years to find another and I am the breadwinner in the family!! It was tough going. My poor husband has had to put up with a lot over the years and I'm sure many men would have left me. (I also deal with chronic pain on top of everything which is another entity in itself.)

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When I lost my job it was through no fault of mine either. I loved that job!! I had planned to stay there some time but I was part of one of the first waves of layoffs that came through there. I NEVER dreamed I'd be out of a job for almost two years!! It was easy to fall into the same kind of funk your wife is in. I did the same thing. I'd lay around on the bed or on the couch and read or watch TV all day long and maybe got up each day to make dinner and clean up, then right back. I shut everyone out. I, too, played the last day of my job over and over. I was mad, tried to reason it out! It was truly awful. I did not seek professional help however.

I have tried the antidepressant route and I dont like the side effects. This is NOT a good way to go and I dont recommend it. I'm just too stubborn for my own good. I've learned to try to do positive thinking to bring myself out but not everyone can do that. It is hard when there is not much positive to think about. I did finally find another job which, to my delight, is 10 times better than the other one! I am able to work from home now which is a God send for my chronic pain issues.

What she is going through is really normal symptoms of depression and losing your job and self identity is a blow! Be encouraging and try to keep her out there looking for something new. It will be of a great help for her to find a new position. The worst thing for us, with depression, is to sit around with nothing to do. It is a depressing economy right now but it is getting better. It can be discouraging to go out on interviews and be told "Thanks but no thanks" so many times so be prepared to be her cheerleader.

Remember, this too shall pass, and remind her as well. Leaving her right now would be devastating on top of everything else.In your wedding vows, you promised to stay by her for better or worse, through sickness and health-well this is part of that worse! Things will get better. Give her meds a good 4-6 weeks to start their full effect. You may have to pick up a lot of the slack right now but remember it is most likely a temporary arrangement. Do encourage her to keep taking her meds. Talk to her about the kids. Try to help her see the positives. It will be a bit of a burden for a while for you. My poor husband ended up having to sell his beloved Harley-Davidson which still breaks my heart! He had to sacrifice a lot but I'm back as the breadwinner again and things are coming around to normal and it will for your wife too.

Do some online research on depression. It will really help you to understand the brain chemistry and what is going on with her. It is really not a thing to snap out of. She doesnt mean to be this way-nobody would!! Knowledge is truly key-read up as much as you can. I think counselling for you both is a great idea! Hang in there! This too shall pass and you will both be the stronger for it!

Thank you all for your encouragement and suggestions. It's been very difficult to pick up 100% of the household work. I've always been an early riser, and get the kids up and to school every day. Maybe because of this my wife doesn't feel much motivation to get up and moving in the mornings. Also, it seems like morning time is ESPECIALLY difficult for her. At the end of the day she is usually acting mostly normal. But each day we start out buried in grief.

I am also worried about her diet. She doesn't eat much and is losing weight. Seems like toast is about all she eats throughout the day until I make dinner. She does join me and kids for a meal every night, which I prepare.

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As for a new job, she has had offers, but it afraid to accept them, due to her mental state. She is actually a mental health worker herself, and she feels that her reputation has been damaged by this situation, as well as some disparaging remarks made by former co-workers. It seems like there are some legitimate justifications for her depression, but that her brain has latched onto these things and is replaying them CONSTANTLY in her head. This goes on and on and on until she cycles into a hyper anxious state. The atavan is REALLY helping with that, I believe. But there must be some way to break free of these damaging though processes.

My hope is that once the medication takes hold, her therapist will be able to work with her to come up with ways to beat back the negative thoughts.

I just hope I can hold on until all this kicks in, and hopefully works. I'm not typically one to ask for help with my problems, but I'm about at my limit. I'm holding down a 50 hour per week job, maintaining the household, cooking, caring for the kids, and to top it off, I have to coach my wife out of bed (with limited success) at the start of each day.

Thanks again for listening.

-Nick

Hi Nick,

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I have had 4 depressions in my life. Two major ones. In 2007 I had a major one and was hospitalised for 6 months before they found the right meds for me. Don't wait long to get her the help she needs if you see she is getting worse. Not taking her meds is not a good sign. Depression gets worst if not treated and it takes longer to get better. My husband was taking care of our young children as well. He also worked full time. He was exausted. I'm suprised that he stayed with me. We had so many people praying for us. I beleived that's what saved our family. And thank God he did because I am on meds and very happy once again. Try not to get upset at her in front of the children because the kids remember that.even when young. I know you are frusturated right now and feel like your wife is not there for you all. She can only take care of herself and as I can see even that is a chore for her. That is the depression. You feel like giving up, everything is too difficult. You don't feel happy. She needs you right now. You need to be her rock. In the end you will be happy and glad you stayed. By the way working for her is not an option right now by what you have been writting. You can private message me if you want. I will friend you. Take care!

Hi Nick - you've gotten a lot of good advice which I won't repeat. I've lived with mental problems most of my adult life. In fact, my husband and I only had two good years before our daughter was born and I had a nervous breakdown. You wife is very sick - she has a legitimate illness - depression. I know it's incredibly hard for you to be doing everything but please hang in there. Support her and never mention that you want to leave her. I know for me, I discovered a love that I never knew was possible. My husband has hung in there for 29 years now, the past 14 through all my spine surgeries and chronic pain also. I never knew there could be a love as deep as what we both have for each other. There have only been a few good spells in the 29 years together - and still, by his showing his support and love for me all this time I have been so incredibly blessed.

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Ask for help - from family, friends - get some time away here and there so you can keep going, but don't let her know you might leave. She was worth it for 16 years - she is worth it for all your life. If it were you that was sick, would she leave? Think about it.

Hey Buddy, I won't ask how your doing, because we both know it's ''NOT SO GOOD''. I am telling you this from experience , My own Depression and Anxiety has made me feel so week. It's a hard thing to admit or say but it's true, This is coming from a guy that had no qualms at all with doing the worst things to get by. And now, I hate myself for it. I have seen Dr after Dr. The Proclem was ME. You have to let your wife know that you are there for her, and tell her everythinhg WILL work out. But she needs to let go of the past, esp the Job, she had. Once she realizes that it was out of her control, their is nothing left to do about it, but to move on.I kno sometimes you feel like your at your end too.

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But in a situation like this, you need to be patient, eveb though sometimes you would like to smack her out of it lol.But I know you are dealing with a very delicate situation,but you must let her know, that if she continues this type of behavior that she can lose her family'' meaning your kids and yourself'' all because she is still stressing a job she does not have anymore. In these cases Husbands, and Wives need to be severely supportive. I know it must be so diffucult to see someone you love, change so much, over something so little. You must stick by her side, you promised this the day you were married. Now I am no kind of Jesus Freak, but i do believe this, in life there are so many miserable people, and in all that confusion, if you can find someone, ''Which you already have'' Then you are blessed, and must make the most of it. You have 2 great kids, and a Wife that loves you. Yes, she definitely needs to pull herself together, and snap out of it, and with your support she will be able to do so.

I am only telling you this from personal expeirience, my women who I have now lost, suffered from depression, after witnessing some horrific things, I was there and seen them as well, but it really took a toll on her. I was pretty sick, but had grown up around violence, so I know mans true colors. But she could not handle it, and was totally broken, she was a lot worse then your wife, she could not sleep, eat, talk, or be bothered, all she dd was cry, and I couldn't take it, ""sound Familiar'' But I hung in there, and let her know, would you rather be dead than have survived? So she gave me a look, and i don't want to go into detail, but suddenly a weapon appeared, and I told her, Well get it over with, becuase you are just wasting away. I love you too much to watch you wither away and die, at least do it on your own terms! When she sen how miserable and shamefull she had been acting, she was disgusted. And for the first time in months I heard a cry of happiness. Now This is what happened to me. Do not use this as an example! But from that day on, she was happy to be alive, and dwelled on the past no more.

So I understand where you are coming from, but you must be there for her, and snap her out of it, and let her know that if she continues down this path, she will lose her mind,children, and Husband, all over something that was out of her hands. A Job Is A Job. People have overcome alot harder things. I know it seems so unbearably hard to even see her, but never quit. If I would have been around , I would still have my love. And beleive me, if you do leave, you'll never find someone better, just hang in their buddy.If you need to talk you can always reach me. God Bless and Good Luck.

I'm glad you are venting your misery but as a sufferer of depression I know what she is experiencing is horrendous. Along with her own pain that she has no control over, she is feeling loads of guilt for what her condition is doing to the family. She may not show it but she is. Also, the continual berating of herself for the job loss - that is "obsessing" - a common symptom of depression.

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To the point - please seek your doctor"s guidance for the medication noncompliance. Without the meds, your wife's life may be in danger. Please make this your highest priorty. Even if you are sick and tired yourself, your children need their mom to recover. And think of the example you are setting as a good caregiver! Don't give up, you've only begun this fight and the outcome, though out of reach right now, will be worth it.
For now, please park your anger in a journal/with friends/a therapist anywhere but at your wife. It will only make this worse. Take this as an opportunity to stretch your own strengths as a parent - make your kids days as happy as possible. And love your wife with patience and understanding. You never know when you might be disabled yourself and need the love of a devoted partner.

So, get with the doctor for a one on one, set a plan, that will help YOU immensely, find a new doc if need be.. Take control and your misery will lessen. Find a way to get those meds in, no matter what. And then patience as sometimes it takes awhile to find the right one.

If you had cancer, would you want your family to desert you if the first med didn't work? Think about her illness in those terms.

Second, find what helps you. I suggest you bury yourself in your kids' wellbeing... And remember that you love your wife and she loves you. This is a fight that can be won and is worth fighting. Keep in touch

Hi Nick - I wish you and your family didn't have to go through this awful period. But it CAN get better!

I've been where your wife is and its not a pretty place. Constantly worrying about what people saying/thinking about me, replaying situations over & over in my head, wanting only to sleep to make the "stuff" in my head go away, the feelings of guilt for leaving everyone down... It's a horrible, phyically debilitating, heavy darkness. It's called depression and anxiety and you can't get over it by youself. I wish I could talk to your wife and tell her my story so she would know that she is not alone in her struggles.

You have every right to be angy that your wife has "checked-out" of your daily life and made you responsible for everything. But please try to remember that she doesn't want to be like this no matter how resistant she is to help.

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Going for therapy was one of the best things I ever did for myself. But the biggest help - the medication! Back then it was Prozac and let me tell you, after it kicked in, for the first time in my life I could sit down and not think about anything if I wanted to. My head was silent and life was good again!

Unfortunately, she has to take the meds every day until they kick in for them to help her feel better. Tell her to just give them a chance because it will be so worth it. There is no shame in having to take the medication or going to therapy. She is probably a really good candidate for a day program. She will learn great coping skills so that she doesn't go through this pain and suffering again. Again, there is no shame in any action a person takes to better themselves.

Stay strong Nick, and take care of yourself - you owe that to yourself and your kids. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you.

Lisa

if you ask me the only cure to one's depression is one's own effort to snap out of it. i don't believe in taking medicines for that because when you stop, that will surely be another fit to deal with.

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as to her present state of depression right now, it is not really an isolated case because given the global crisis, a lot of people are in the same boat as your wife. it is but natural for her to go through that because of the uncertainty she is all of a sudden faced with. she simply may have been caught off guard or so to speak, by the recent turn of events and does not know how to deal with it, more so, how to move on. this is where you come in... do not indulge her state of depression, you have to be on the other side of the pole in this one. you have to make a 360 degree turn and be the most positive, optimistic person around her. a drastic change of attitude and approach on a daily basis as well. show her that there is more to life than keeping that job or any other job for that matter... that the uncertainty she is now faced with is in fact about to unfold to something of a good surprise... and the anticipation of this new chapter in your lives is both exciting and exhilarating. in the same light, i sense that you are yourself falling in the same state of being, so be very aware and vigilant of your own sentiments. snap out of it and carry her through this. do not allow yourself to fall in the very same bottomless pit. good luck to you and i pray she will soon have the courage to rise above this. GOD BLESS

may i say 1st of all i am so sorry that this has happened to her.I would like to 1st caution you on the ativan.it is hight addicting.I was on it 20 years so i am very aware of the drug.ativan can become addicting in as little as 2 days no kidding. If i were you and i really wanted to help my wife in the long haul get her off that and ask for a drug thats non addicting. Lexapro cymbalta there are many many others out there that are not addicting.I can honstly say that her laying in bed can be caused from the ativan and it actually can make the depression worse as it is a depressant itself.Its used for aniexty but its a downer. I would find her a doctor that was more educated in the new medicine out there because this medicine is a bad bad medicine. My heart really goes out to your wife i was in a simular situation and lost my job do to a car accident and was fired because i couldnt go to work.HA HA.what a joke!

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But she can get over this with the right medication and ativan isnt one of them.She needs a antidepressant that also helps with aniexty.I now take non addicting lexapro and it works great. It makes you sleepy at 1st but it wears off after a few week of taking it.Just a bit of advise from one who has been there.wellbutrin isnt a drug of choice either and i question this doctors actions. Please take her somewhere else and get her the proper treatment where she can get over this and live a normal life again and not lay in bed and replay that past situation over and over in her head.Zolof is also a good medicine.I hate it when these doctors out here prescribe this high powered addicting medicine when there are alternatives that are not addicting and work much much better.I will be praying for her and you also. God Bless You.
If possible get her into another doctor asap.