I was diagnosed with OPSTD..Ongoing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder by my previous medical doctor. There's nothing you can do for that. I have no therapist right now, they refuse to give me one. I don't do well in groups and making me go to two. I have no friends. My friend died in April and boyfriend broke up with me too. Miscarried in May. I decided I can't be friends with my only friend who is an alchoholic and drug attic... my x-fiance. He always yells at me, always , I can't take it anymore. He refuses to get heath insurance and needs his high mg of synthroid. He has mood swings. I also get very upset when hear icecream trucks, seeing kids, baby diapers, pregnancy tests. I am so lonely. All I have is my cats. I can't do anything to myself because of them. I love them very much. I hate where I live, the state , the community. I can't work. I can't drive more than 10 min cause I'm afraid I'm gonna get in an accident. I am so tired from not sleeping good or my meds make me tired. I feel no ones helping me. Sometimes my mom and dad are making me feel more miserable. I want to stay in bed all day, or at least the apartment. I'm even having a hard time making friends on the other forum. I am at the age where I know I will never have kids, I hate my life. Been hit, beat up, abused, pushed, accidents, emotionally abused, yelled at. Can someone help me through this? I don't ever want to look for another guy again. It seems they all seem to be sick just like me or worse. I hate being lonely. The cats are not enough anymore.
I can't deal with anymore stress in my life?
- 21 Jul 2010 by Anonymous
- depression, post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, insomnia, generalized anxiety disorder, anxiety and stress
Added 21 Jul 2010:
This was on the EHealth forum I joined for 7 days with no answers. I thought we weren't allowed to have anything except that had to do with meds on this site until I saw Hardfi's post. So Im gonna give it a try on here.
21 Jul 2010
Sorry to hear about your recent loss. I don't know how far you were but it doesn't matter because it was a very living being inside of you. I never was able to concieve so I kinda can relate but not in the same way. I never had a chance to feel life. Sounds like you have been going though tough times for a very long time. I never have had a cat, we have always lived in apts. that didn't allow anything that didn't live in a cage. We did have birds though for many years. We recently lost our Meyers Parrot, JOJO who we loved dearly. I miss him dearly we are trying to get into a senior bldg and they don't allow any sort of animal, so we have decided not to replace..As if she could be replaced. I sure would be happy to be your friend I too, am a loner as I am no longer able to drive because of medications and health issuse. I would more be more then happy to be your friend. I am new to this site and have had depression, bipolar, anxiety issues for many years.
Am on medications and am doing pretty well. My heart goes out to you. If I maybe of any help please let me know.
21 Jul 2010
Unfortunately this illness is unique to everyone. That is why it is such trial and error on getting the correct meds. Hang in there, some take 2-3 weeks to feel even a little better. On therapy, you might want to try the council on aging. Please dont judge by the name, I am not a senior citizen and they really helped me. Whatever I needed that they didn't have available they at least knew someone who did. I believe there is one in just about every city. Good Luck, best wishes.
21 Jul 2010
You have said they won't give you a therapist, so i am assuming you are either at a free clinic of some sort or on Medicaid. Medicad in most states, has certain facilities that they will pay for, so you can to go and see someone privately, altho these people are not psychiatrists or psychologists, just counselors and it's the luck of the draw if you get a good one. Sometimes it is possible to get a psychologist if you tell them you are suicidal and really need an expert, so give it a try, please! However, because of your hint at being suicidal, I really think that you need to be in a hospital setting where you may get better tx than at a free clinic. Also, even if you do not like the group sessions, try to listen to others, I know they want you to talk, but if you can't right now, don't worry about it, one day you will just open up and may find that someone else is going through something very similar to you.
Do you have any kind of spiritual or religious connections within any sort of facility in your area? I can tell you that IF your mom and dad feel you are a threat to yourself, ie. considering suicide, they can get you in a hospital setting when you might not be able to do so yourself. I know you don't want to be "committed" but if it is the only way you can get some professional help, who cares how you get there? Do you go to any kind of 12 step meetings? You are probably too depressed to get yourself there, but you MUST give it a try, being around other people with even more problems than yourself is the quickest and fastest way to get better, trust me on that one. No Dr. should ever tell you that there is nothing that can be done about a particular disorder you are "supposed to have." What a downer that is, and it's not true, there is always help of some sort for any kind of emotional or mental illness, be it therapy, meds or a combination of both. Your cats are picking up on your vibes, therefore they are depressed too. If you care for them, you have to pick yourself up off the floor and get to a 12 Step Meeting and see that there are other's out there just as miserable and depressed as you. Stay away from the ex fiancee that yells at you, you do not need HIM or anyone else that treats you abusively. Start thinking of YOU and only you and maybe the cats, as they need you in order to survive and be Happy Kitties, which they probably are not now, since they know you are not. Do as the other member said and check with the group she mentioned, I am not on that page now and not going to go back, but it's the one for older people and they will refer you she said, to someplace that has something you need, so look it up and do it. Finally, hard as this sounds, GET TOUGH. I mentioned the hospital setting and it probably doesn't sound too good to you, or maybe it does. If you are at that point, than talk to your parents about it and have them go to court and have you committed to a hospital. But if not, you must get out of bed, take a shower, get dressed and get yourself to your group and to a 12 step meeting, not because i think that is the answer to all, but because you need to be around people, people that will understand and try to be a friend, and you will see that there are other's like you and worse. Please let me know the first time you get yourself out of the house and to someplace where people can interact with you and each other. Stay away from men for awhile, it's not a time in your life that you need them, lonely or not. You have to get yourself well before you can even think of making any wise choices in that dept. I hope i haven't sounded harsh, as I do care and want to see you get well. Are you on meds, if so what, and any add'l info you can provide helps me to give you more options. Write to me privately if you wish. You have friends here, I am one of them and we do care, so don't feel alone, you are not, you simply have to get out of that apt. to see there is a whole world of people out there and if you hate your city, you're not going to get out of it by staying in your apt. although that would come much later down the line. Love to you and please do not give up. Let me know whatever you can and PLEASE, leave that house and get around some people that need you as much as you need them. xxoo Dede
21 Jul 2010
I hope ur feeling better wow i thought i had alot stress , can you tell me y u cant get therapist even if u have free heath insurance you can get therapist with your history of illness . I used to be so scared of driving or wrecking but i have been in 3 accidents and last one was horrible i should been dead but iam not iam alive and i dont want to live in fear i know its hard soon as i was better and concusion was better i started driving i also have social phobia which still do i tried alot meds and i stayed on xanax make things worse i dont know y i have it , personally i dont like talking to therapist i have sicotrist and i dont like groups of people but i did go into detox to get off xanax . Sometimes the things you fear the most arent so bad , do u want live in fear or move on . I feel so bad for u , its going to be tough road ahead while i was in detox this old woman hated people and didnt have any friends all she had was her cats and liked talking to them .
I have dogs but i also like people not all but most , some men are jerks . But for people that had past experiences bad like yours they will more than likely get with someone who is abusive so think you will have to change type of guys you look for and are attracted to like bad guys ... Right now iam stuck at home because of a pill i was addicted to and i would do anything to be able to feel normal and fear , atleast then i could face it head on . I dont think u should be committed but maybe put yourself out there more and you never know if u will have baby doesnt take a guy to help with now a days its called sperm bank so if ya want baby save up work get out there and this can be your goal and u will have something look fwd to if i can get over my fears so can you . dont believe everything docs tell ya i was told i had same anxiety disorder as u everyone has hard life some harder but we have to keep going , come find out another doc told me i didnt have it so who knows i dont care i jus want to live . you will be ok iam sure u will meet alot nice people on here .
21 Jul 2010
You are never alone here. Believe me alot of us including me have been in a place maybe not as many terrible factors at the same time but we have been there one way or another. I feel like you feel every day I only wake up because I know I will see my grand children. Sunday was the first time my son actually came to mr house unannounced used the pool and was sociable i stayed in bed. I have friends but who wants to hear our stuff and who even understands it. Most of them think it is because we are on meds Yes we are on meds but that doesn't answer all our problems.
I am so sorry about your friend As far as your about your x and his thyroid IT IS HIS THYROID and he is making it your problem it is not your problem you have enough to worry about.Do not give up on anyone it may be that their is a guy out there who is for you who can help you who has had lifes bad breaks do not give up on kids you would probably make a great Mom you have learned how not to be a BAD mom as I have learned the best thing I learned from my mother was how not to be like her and that is how to be a good mom a good friend and a good wife let these negative horrible things turn your life around you can talk to me anytime I will make you my riend and you can go to my profile anytime and talk to me privately or you can talk to so many caring and loving people on this site. Joing this site will give you all the firiends you will ever need. Where do you live that you hate it so bad? You do not have to say here you can tell me privately if you should care to do so. I know how hard it is to get up in the morning I remember when I thought go yo hell it isn't worth it. A little sunshine will help if you are no ready think about it. Whatever you do think about you an what is good for you and not anyone else. YOU YOU YOU everyone else in your life will soon see the difference and consider you as a person as well. I could go on and on feeling the same way you do and trying to give you some support I have learned to give myself you only go around once make it all about what makes you the best person you can be and do what makes you happy..
Hope to hear from you GOOD LUCK and GOD BLESS Barb Sorry for th typos I have a bad wrist see there I go appologizing for something stupid that you don't even care about see what I mean It is only important to me try to make your life all about you without the appologizes
28 Jul 2010
I feel the same way as you and I also stay alive just for my cats. I also am at age 30 and know that I will never have kids. My PTSD, borderline personality disorder, and depression keep me from looking for a job. I need one though, and bad. I also have days where I don't want to be alive anymore and have no one to talk to that understands. I come here when I am really down and confused. I am just curious about which post of mine did you see that made you want to try this board.
28 Jul 2010
I do not know how old you are, so I am not sure how to address all of this. I am very sorry that you have had to go through all of this. I have went through many trials in my life also, and I can tell you, it can and will get better. I am not going to talk about me, because that is not what you need to hear about right now. You need to get advice or maybe vent... but not hear about someone else's traumatic life experience's.
I am not sure where you live, but maybe you should think about moving. Even if it is just across town or to the next city over. The change may do you good. A fresh start. Maybe somewhere warmer if you live in a colder area. (The less seasonal places are better for stabilizing moods I hear.) New people around that don't know you or your past.
I am not sure if you are spiritual or religious, but, maybe you can try to go to a church, either a new one or one you are familiar with. Even a new denomination, if someone in your old church has hurt you in some way. That's one thing I have learned. God has never given up on me, and I can never give up on Him. There are people in churches that are willing to help financially and spiritually and you may make some new friends... friends that you can trust a little easier than outsiders.
As far as Medical goes, I would try to go to a hospital near you and see if they have a rating system (where they base your co-pays and sometime prescriptions based on your income). If there's more than one hospital nearby, check them all. I have been able to only have a $5 co-pay for most Dr. visits since 2004 because I was rated at my hospital.
Also, apply for disability and foodstamps. Take every program available to you if you are unable to work right now. I am not saying this because I think you should be lazy. I am saying this so that you can have sometime to get your life back together. I know all thins from experience. Here is the website for social security disability, incase you want to file for it.
I hope that I have given you some decent advice and let you know that someone cares.
8 Oct 2010
I also suffer from PTSD, anxiety disorder, aggoraphobia, bipolar disorder and panic disorder. In the course of 2 years, (04 to 06) I lost my son, both parents within six months of each other, a destroyed relationship with my sister relating to the care of our parents, and finally my leg. I lived in the exact place you describe emotionally until about 8 months ago. Slowly the darkness in my life started to fade and I began to feel better. I had (and have) severe health problems during that whole period and secretly hoped one of them would kill me. I also have no friends, never have been good at making any. I have a great husband, had two surviving daughters and a grandaughter. I slowly began to see that THEY gave me a reason to want to go on, and not only go on, but to feel and be well too. As I said, this only started happening some months ago... it took a loooong time to come out of the dark place I was in.
I will take a risk here and say that God did, and does help me and I'm sure is responsible for my gradual return to a more well emotional and phusical state of mind. This past July 27 th, my husband was diagnosed with cancer. On July 28th, my daughter died. I have not, however gone back into that profound state that I was in... the one you describe. Aside from my faith, I can tell you that finding the will to diligently find the right Dr. was a lifesaver for me. She is very responsive to my emotional as well as physical problems, and worked with me to get just the right mix of meds that finally helped bring me back to the land of the living. Anti-anxiety, anti-depressants are indispensible when used correctly. With anti-depressants, it may take some time to find just the right med and right dose... kind of like finding the right Dr. But it can and does happen all the time, and it can happen for you. Please don't give up on those two things and know that this time will pass. I am so very sorry for your losses... I DO understand. Especially when you mention the sight or sound of things send you spiralling back into intense grief. Sadly, only time can heal this, but time DOES heal. Just as you have in this post, keep reaching out, and if you can, read about others and their problems and try to reach out to THEM. Sometimes helping others heals too. Re: you 'former Dr.' and 'they' won't give you a therapist, with more information I would certainly like to try to help you with that... or any of the emotions you're going through. Don't hesitate to contact me. I truly care.
9 Oct 2010
hey babe! you are gonna be fine!!! life is soooo hard for us. we all have our share of health problems. mental and physical. i have gerneralized anxiety disorder/severe depression... fibromyalgia & lower back problems. i feel your pain. i know you are emotionally in a really bad place. a place that i havent been in... but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. dr's are idiots! it may take them a while to figure everything out, but once they do, you will get the proper treatment and hopefully start feeling somewhat "normal" again. i had a very abusive fiance. he beat my ass all the time. he was verbally abusive & called me every name in the book! my father (a wonderful man) was very verbal and sometimes physically abusive as well when i was young. he has def changed. he is a great man. he holds my heart! men are just as stupid as dr's.
it may take them til they are 40, but eventually they will grow up and realize they were wrong for their actions. this isnt true for all men... or doctors for that matter. there are some really great guys out there. one day, if or when you are ready, you will find him. the one that understands you... and your condition. you will never be cured. i dont think any of us will. but we will be able to cope. i think you are very brave for putting yourself and your situation out here for us. we are here to help you... to help each other. as for children... well some ppl never do have any. my friend is 43. she has 8 cats and 2 dogs. they ARE her kids. she loves them as much as a person can love another being. she couldnt go on without her cats. this may be your situation as well. or maybe you will be blessed with a child, biologically or adopted. nobody knows the future. thats why we have to fight for our lives. so we can find out what the future holds for us. im no saint... but i believe in God. you are in my prayers tonight. you are strong. you will get thru this. screw the men of your past! lets make plans for the men of the future. please do not be afraid. there is a huge world out there... we just have to start living in it! i didnt have this outlook on life a couple of months ago. my antidepressants really work wonders for me. im gonna try my best to enjoy this life. its the only one i have! write to me anytime. xoxo
10 Oct 2010
My friend and glad to have you! ( :
I've thought a lot about your whole situation and a few things come to mind.
Re; therapy, in the clinic you attended was the only option group settings? I don't do well in group settings either, and your problems are so personal, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to share them with a group. I really believe you need to see a therapist, but on a one on one basis. A caution though... don't blame yourself if the first therepist you see (should you decide to see one), doesn't work out, or feel like a good fit. The mental health system in this country is far behind other health systems. It may take meeting with several therapists before you find someone you're comfortable talking to. But you DO have the right to request to see a different therapist so don't give up on that. Your quality of life is a stake here.
Next, when you mentioned seeing those things that triggered intense feelings of grief over your lost child, as painful as it is, it will happen but please know that the feelings will get less intense as time goes by. Having lost two of my three children I know this for a fact.
Many people don't understand the profound effect having a miscarrage has on a woman. They are blind to the fact that you have lost a child. I only became aware of this years ago after reading an article, and my sister had miscarried. I went to her then and told her how profoundly sorry I was that I didn't recognize the loss she had suffered. Then a few years ago, m y daughter miscarried and it took her a full year to really start to come out of the depression she felt over this loss.
And as the babys grandmother, it became my loss as well. Society isn't real quick at understanding matters of emotion. I imagine you will run into indifference over your loss (you probably already have), the best you can do is realize these people aren't well informed and don't have a clue.
Most of all, during these days, you need to be good to yourself. If you had any other illness, you would make the appropriate adaptions for that illness, this is no different... it's so important to be good to yourself, have day's that you spoil yourself.
One final thought. Like therapists, there are MANY antidepressants out there and finding the right one may take some trial and error, but when you do find the right one, you will be amazed at how much better you feel.
I hope you try a few of these things.
My prayers are with you.
10 Oct 2010
I am sorry to hear abt this. U and I have so much in common for a second I thought I was reading my own life. I want to tell u it willvget better, and it will in time, but like me u r probably like how much longer and can I make it that long. I am gonna friend u and feel free if u wanna talk ANYTIME. I think we can help each other. Good luck!
3 Jan 2011
My heart goes out to you, and I totally get it. I, too, have been hoeing a hard row, too. I could say it has all been since 2006, but really the Saga of Peg has been my whole life, it's just been especially accute since that day in April 2006 when my world turned upside down. I won't bore you with the details. But I will say, I get the loneliness. Up until now I have been fishing for people in a polluted stream, and all I get back are diseased, sick specimens for my efforts. To change this I have had to change what I do. In order to meet healthier people I have been volunteering. I have juist started and have not made any new freinds, but at least, for those two hours at a time, I am out of my head, out of my apartment, and out amongst people. It has done me a world of good. I see possibilities.
If your current insurance will not approve individual therapy, after appealing their decision, I would search the community for a therapist who will take you on as a client on a sliding scale basis. If you get a therapist, stick with the you in your life. Work on changing yourself for the better. And, I think your inclinations to avoid romance are probably a good instinct, waiting to dip your toe in that water after you have worked on yourself. Don't take this the wrong way, but broken people attract other broken people. Wait til you are healthier to seek out a partner. And if your parents make you feel sh@tty, try to avoid that natural inclination to seek their company. It is like me... I have GAD and PTSD and when they are rearing their ugly heads, I always have strong impulses to call my family members - but it's crazy - they never help me assuage my anxieties, and I always hang up the phone feeling ten times worse for having contacted them. I have gotten to the place where I only call my brother and sister on major holidays, just as a courtesy, praying they won't answer as I dial. And when I call my Dad, I never, but never talk about my feelings or my troubles - I keep it light and centered on him. My father does not have the capacity to help me, so I don't even go there. Why bang your head against the door?
I hope what I have suggested will help you, and I hope I did not offend.
10 Jan 2011
Hi friend, First and foremost, I can eally tell you are hurting. I have never been abused, but have suffered two misscarriges. I have two great kids now. I was lucky to have them as long as I did. They are now 25 and 26 and having thier own problems. I lost my youngest brother to suicide in '95. In 1999 I lost my 44 year old sister to lung cancer. The reason I almost lost my kids is because I was married to such a selfish drunk. In November of last year I moved in with my mom and dad (i am 53) tohelp with my 95 year old grandmother. She passed away in Nov '09. Just when I thought things could not get any worse, my beloved dad passed the day after Christmas the same year! I know how you feel. I can't really talk to anyone about it. I have one living brother left, he is 49 and is always traveling for work. My mom can't talk about it, and even if she were to, she doesn't understand.
I know she buried two children, and she has parental memories, I have sibling memories. Life does not seem fair, I am so sorry to hear about your pain. It will ease. Try to hold on to the good and let go of the bad. Time doesn't heal all wounds but does make them some of them a little easier and bearable. trust me and it looks like you have made quite a few friends already. Please keep us posted on how you are doing. God Bless. Fall Queen
7 Mar 2011
i FEEL ALL THE THINGS THAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH, MOST i HAVE BEEN THROUGH MYSELF. I MARRIED AN EXTREMELY ABUSIVE GUY, WHEN I FINALLY GOT OUT OF THAT I ENDED UP DATING MY BEST FRIEND OF 15 YEARS WHO GOT KILLED A YEAR LATER, THEN I GOT ADDICTED TO PAIN KILLERS, GOT ARRESSTRED TWICE WENT TO JAIL, LOST MY DAD RECENTLY WHO WAS THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN MY LIFE AND I MISCARRIED 3 TIMES AND BELIEVE ME THERE IS A LOT MORE I COULD TELL YA BUT I THINK YOU UNDERSTAND, SO YEAH I DO KNOW YOUR PAIN BUT I PROMISE EVEN ON YOUR WEAKEST DAYS IT GETS A LITTLE BETTER. iT TOOK ME YEARS TO GET OVER JUST SOME OF THE THINGS. THE ONLY GOOD ADVICE I CAN OFFER YOU IS SURROUND YOURSELF WITH POSITIVE PEOPLE. NOT AROUND ANYONE WHO PUTS YOU DOWN EVEN ITS JUST ONE TIME. I ALSO FOUND LOCAL SUPPORT GROUPS AROUND THE AREAS I LIVE IN AND FOUND OUT THAT THERE ARE ACTUALLY A LOT MORE PEOPLE JUST LIKE US. LIVE ONE DAY AT A TIME, ONE MOMENT AT A TIME.
REMEMBER YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU FIRST AND IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS. I HAD TO REMOVE EVERYONE FROM MY LIFE EXCEPT MY MOM, DAD & BROTHER THEY WERE THE ONLY ONES WHO NEVER PUT ME DOWN, ALWAYS SUPPORTED, ENCOURAGED ME TO DO BETTER AND WERE JUST MY SAVING GRACE. I KNOW THERE ARE MORE BAD DAYS THAN GOOD BUT COUNT THE BLESSINGS FOR THE GOOD DAYS THAT WILL GIVE YOU HOPE. IT HELPED ME. TRY JAMMIN OUT TO SOME OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY WHEN YOU HERE THEM AND JUST GET UP AND DANCE LIKE HELL IN YOUR APARTMENT. MUSIC HAS ALWAYS BEEN AN OUTLET FOR ME. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER IT'S OK TO CRY IT DOESN'T MEAN YOUR WEAK IT JUST MEANS IT'S YOUR BODIES WAY OF LETTING OUT THE POISON, THE FEAR, THE HURT. AND LAST OF ALL ONCE A DAY SAY SOMETHING GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF AND SOMETHING GOOD THAT HAPPENED THAT DAY AND TAKE A MOMENT AT ONCE A DAY TO DO A GOOD THING FOR SOMEONE ELSE EVEN IF IT'S JUST HOLDING A DOOR FOR SOMEONE. DON'T YOU KNOW SMILES ARE CONTAGIOUS.THESE ARE JUST SOME SUGGESTIONS AND STUFF I DO EVERY SINGLE DAY NO MATTER HOW HORRIFFIC MY DAY IS BECAUSE IF I DIDN'T I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO SIT HERE AT TELL YOU WHAT HELPED ME. I'LL PRAY FOR YOU AND PLEASE KEEP ME UPDATED I WISH YOU THE BEST. :)
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