Tonka8561Gotta put some bricks on the other side of life's teeter-totter:
1. I am grateful that Jimmy was back to his sober beauty for the last couple of years - what a joy to be so lucky, for both of us. Now I hope for a heaven (sp?) coz I know he is there - my angel, my light... me ... the confirmed agnostic.
2. I am grateful to my Gynecologist, Dr. Deb Yu, for catching and killing my cancer.
3. I am grateful that my Dad is more often clear than not when I call him and that he finally "beleives" in Bipolar... that it is not just a personal failing. Pretty cool to change his POV in his 80's. And I know he really loves me... and of course, I love him.
4. I am grateful for my Aunt's continued well-being and how she kept me a float with her unconditional "second Mom's" love and wisdom, not to leave out her commonsense and wealth of program role modeling - that she didn't give up on the wretched sot I was... another one who saved my life.
5. I am so grateful to my therapist, who I was so dubious towards at first, so closed to I would only play cards with for the first year,, not talking at all. Now he has me crying and setting boundries regardless that cost - no longer a hostage, at least not as much, to lizard-brain terror of the unknown and loss and abandonment. Always calling me resilliant - well, if I continue to be so, it is in part the je ne sais quoi (sp) that he brings to our sessions.
6. I am grateful to my dear brother, my best freind, I am so blessed to have such a gentle, kind, generous, intelligent, intellectual, interesting never boring soul mate - I love him so...
7. My other best freind, who shall remain nameless (unless I stupidly forget and slip up) out of respect for her privacy. A more gorgeous soul, inside and out, I have never known - and all the laughter, the 12 years of laughter. I only wish she were closer. Boy, she has seen me through some crap, but never got sick of it all - I will love her always.
8.Tonka and Beast - my most weird odd couple. Tonka so affectionate from the start, who I got to keep Beast from shattering my nerves with her incessant hunting of prey - namely me. I am grateful the playmate idea worked, coz I was a nervous wreck, with big bruised puncture marks on my ankles. Twice the love and affection, and Beast has even become a lap cat - go figure. Wouldn't even let me pet her for the longest time... she is such a weirdo. Endless amusement, my little shedders.
9. I am real glad I have a car. LA is NOT a transit hub, and I live somewhat on the outskirts.
10. I am grateful to my landlord, for this little bungalow I love so, and her many kindnesses, and that she doesn't always come at me with the testimonials of God's love - I'd flee if that were the case. So I am real glad she keeps her ardancy to herself, and that I have this lusciously tree-lined street of many colors. It is all the more - it being a "home" - valuable to me for the two years where I had no place for my pillow, no key, no privacy. So - Thank You Mary and may your God give you many Blessings. At least you have mine.
11. I am grateful for the many un-named kindnesses that gave me a metaphorical hand to grasp during my run of misfortune, all the nurses and CNA's who gave me a smile or a courtesy when I was ready to really lose it. I can't tell you how those in the caring profession can reallly make a difference. Can't express it, well, the gratitude for the safe place they and many others for my fractured mind. The patience with my foolishness - amazing.
12. I am grateful to my Psychiatrist for her constancy, especially for sticking with me when I am leveling all the legal basis' I can think of at her. Any other Doctor would have checked their malpractice policy, consulted a lawyer and dumped me. Oh and the venom I laced my words with. I am so ashamed. I truely care for her and owe many amends. But this is a gratitude list, not a place for flagellation - I am grateful for the artful way in which she approaches this f@cked up psyche of mine, and her kindnesses she has shown me. The generosity and her beauty of spirit.
Well, finally, I must thank you all. Yet another bridge that saved my a@s. You are an amazing lot, and who would have thought there would be so much laughter amongst people being so challenged by life's twists and turns. I am so grateful for every chuckle and guffaw you've wrung out of me. If you think I am talking about you, be sure I am. Sometimes, perhaps I do not give kudos as much as I should. I just get scared to jinx things. But just know it IS you, even if I haven't introduced myself.
And please don't get me wrong... I know there maybe tears and angst behind some of the humor... I am very empathetic... I have a few of my own, to be sure. But, go to You Tube and play "Is That All There Is" by the unparallelled (sp?) Miss Peggy Lee - one of my anthems, even if there is DIet Cherry Coke in my wine glass these days instead of Chianti - there is my take on it all.
So very Merry Glad Tidings to you and yours.
pattishan61
We had the Desiderata on the wall in one of our houses, as well as "If" (if I remember correctly), when I was a kid, not to leave out Khahil Gibran on the bookshelf. My mom, she had her faults, but she did her level best to do things right. Or who knows, maybe my Dad put it up. That house was the 67-72 or so - I suppose it was their hippie-ish years - they were really out of the demo, age-wise. I willl go to You Tube or Pandora and see if I can call up Les Cranes' version.
But yes, I am in a better place, and I am so happy for that, since I had my brother over for Christmas. We had chicken with rosemary - I am so glad it turned out (my thermometer broke) - he really liked it all a lot.
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Thank you for you kindness Pattishan, and I gotta tell you... just finding someone who has experienced the Anahedonia was amazing to me. For some reason it had deep signifigance to me, to know someone else experienced it. Maybe all depression is like that, I don't know. Maybe I should take a poll.
I am a bit unfocused today, excuse me.
I hope you holiday was joyous,
P
The more I think I am different, the more I find out I have something in common with almost everyone. I am so glad your brother came over and you Meal turned out well. I am not so graceful in things domestic, especially cooking. I think Anhedonia is a shade of clinical depression. I know it has rained in LA alot and that is bound to affect you. I am in L.A., Lower Alabama, that is the joke we make here. It is cold and rainy here, but the holiday was peaceful and nice. I personally have to stay away from my family, they are too much like my grandmother. They are holier than thou control freaks and totally pick fights with me and until I went to my last 2 counselors, my family had me convinced I started it and it was all my fault. On the advice of 2 very smart wonderful counselors, I stay away now, much better holidays.
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None of them have ever had "problems" but they have very bad attitudes and love to be manipulative and controlling and stick knives in one's back, they gang up on me. I now go to sober peoples houses I am not kin to on holidays, ahhhh, much better. Thanks for your kindness and input. Patti
Tonka8561 & Pattishan 61: You are both Golden Goddesses"! and you 2 should collaberate and write a book ! When I was getting sober I would listen to Peggy Lee sing "Is that all there is"? on the radio... "The (something) hour"... Tonka ? The Jimmie you refer to... That has to be "Jimmie Hendricks"!. Have you ever listened to "Jimmies Blues"! to Me, that tape is one of his Best ! I once had 7 of his tapes but now only have "Jimmies Blues" "AXIS; Bold as Love" & "Roots of Hendrics"! I've been into mostly Jazz, Blues, 60's rock, and swing, since the early 60's. I did a little time and met up with a TRIO of 2 Black guys and a white guy.I was a "Hawkshaw Hawkins" Country & Western boy before I met those guys. They converted me! We became a quartet called the "NAV- AIRS"! and people, even Officers would come INTO THE JAIL, to listen to us. We blew some down sound ! ! ! Singers all of us"!
D@mn you Sam, because of something you wrote, I took offence, and did not want to feel those feelings again, I spent all day not reading your posts (I wanted to send this private, but I can't find that option on your page). Now I look at this one and there is no bite in it only many common musical appreciations.
For instance in the 80's I used to go to The Crush Club - all 60's Soul and nothin' but - danced my ass off many-a-night, often kissing the dance floor, such a lush I was. Lovely site, eh - all dressed to the 9's in a faceplant? Can't say for sure that I have listened to that particular Hendrix album, but I bet if I heard it, it would be familiar (I never remember titles - I am more visually oriented). I am glad that I had a small part in taking you down memory lane, and I love the story of the Navairs - you and J.C.. I am glad I read your post and didn't do my characteristic thing - shut out for eternity. I guess I'll try your other posts. I feel like such a dope.