I am a new member but I feel like I know each and everyone of you personally. Same story, same pain. I get so angry that I got so addicted to hydrocodone that it destroyed my life. I used to have them in my medicine chest all the time. I would get them for dental procedures and sprains, etc. I never really liked them all that much. I remember if I would take 2- 5mg. I would get the shakes and feel like throwing up. I got married late in life (45 years old) and one day I had lower back pain and my mom gave me one of her hydrocodone's. I took it and Wow! I felt so good, I had some coffee and cigarettes and I felt wonderful! I felt all warm and fuzzy with my husband and he really liked the "new me". Well, thats all it took- the stars were lined up, the moon was in the right place, I needed a boost in my marriage and the one little pill, that damn little pill started me down a road that led straight to hell!! I took one every chance I got, my mom felt like she was helping me with my so called "pain"! It wasn't long before I was sneaking them from her bottle, then advanced to going to the doctor with lies on how much pain I was in to get my own Rx. I advanced to stealing them from friends and our neighbors. I got into major trouble for changing a Rx from the 10 he prescribed, to 40 and got caught. I got a lawyer and it cost big bucks but I had never been in any trouble before, so it was dismissed but still on the circuit court web site. I lost the first of many jobs and my marriage went straight down the *ter. My only thoughts from sun up to sun down was figuring out how to get more. I think all of you would believe me and understand the lengths I went to. Finally I heard on the news that websites were selling them and they actually showed the website on TV. Well, in I went to the computer and sure as hell!! There they were! I ordered 60, because I knew I'd be ripped off and did not want to spend too much. When Fed-Ex pulled in my driveway, I was shaking so bad, I could barely sign for them. Even when I opened the package, I still did not believe they were real, but, they sure were!! Well, shall I say the rest is history? Not yet! I had 3 or 4 sites going every month and my credit card just kept paying it out! I was taking maybe 25 10mg a day. Then got some oxycontin and took them along with them and damn near died. I went to the walk in clinic with BP of 210/155. They treated me blind because I never told them what I was doing. I gave up the oxy's and ended up getting valium but one month they sent me Xanax instead. I did not know then that the devil himself made them in his lab! Through the years, websites were getting shut down and I still found new ones. Then all of the ones I was dealing with got shut down and I had to quit cold turkey! Well, hell has to be a vacation!! After a full week of screaming all alone in my apt, a neighbor finally heard me and took me to the hospital. I stayed in a nut ward of a hospital for 2 days, they gave be what I think was suboxone and Pheno barbital for the Xanax withdrawal. I got out on a Sunday and my prescriptions showed up on Monday. Well, my plan then was to just get my * in order and plan my suicide for the day after Thanksgiving in 2006. I took 70-2mg of Xanax and did not DIE!! I could not believe it when I woke up in the hospital! They threw my clothes at me and said "they are here to get you" I had no clue who "they" were, or where I was going. I was handcuffed, thrown into a squad car and taken to another NUT ward. Full withdrawals and no help at all! So, then it was rehab and of course the cravings NEVER went away. I relapsed after 3 months. Up until a month ago, I kept passing drug tests somehow and was driving a 45' motor coach! Do you EVEN believe that?? Then I finally got the call that there was an opening in the suboxone clinic. I have not had one craving at all and he said I would most likely have to stay on them for more than 2 years and possibly for life. Well, what if I can't afford them anymore? What if I have to get off them? I am scared to death and thinking about suicide again constantly! Why do I HAVE to take anything? Why can't I just be a normal person? Why can't I go through one damn day without taking anything? Do I feel sorry for myself? Well maybe I am allowed to but why can't I just be me again! I only want to be happy, I only want to spend my money on stuff I like, maybe a new car even!! But I have to spend all of it on a drug that keeps me from taking another drug, all to not have to lay on the floor screaming and having seizures!! But I'll end my whine session by saying, Thank GOD they developed something to get me off the pain pills. I don't have to count them anymore and when my Rx is due, I actually have some left!! And thank God for this forum, so I finally have someone to talk to about it. Its been my dirty little secret too many years!!