where you lash out at people for no good reason, only to get things off your mind? Your physical and emotional pain, worries about your health, become so overwhelming that you say things you don't mean? It's like a snowball rolling down a hill... it starts out as something small (broken back) and each day something adds to the pressures and concerns about your health. You find out you need more surgery, you re-injure a part of your back unrelated to the break, but a problem that brought you to the surgeon is the first place. insurance premiums jacked up to $1,100 per month, and you just can't seem to find that release valve on the pressure cooker. Many of you have bigger fish to fry, how do you deal with it?
Do any of you have days like this?
- Posted:
- 25 Apr 2010 by christineATU
- Topics:
- ms contin, depression, pain, polymyalgia rheumatica, back pain, surgery
Details:
Responses (6)
25 Apr 2010
Chris check your mail I tried to answer your question the best way I can I haven't looked to see if you lashed out at me but its ok because we agreed to disagree and I know that your life hasn't been a whole lot of fun for some time now Fear not the Queen is here for you.
mpvt25 Apr 2010
I had 4 lower lumbar surgeries and the first 3 were deemed failures and the 4th being a fusion, laminectomy and a few other things that I can't remember what they were called. All in all it was a clean up with a fusion. They also found that I had spinal stenosis at a couple different levels which you can't really do anything about. So I was abusing for almost 25 years and I can tell you that I turned into a nasty prick with a huge chip on my shoulder. The constant pain changes a person and it is usually for the worse.
I could lose my temper and become violent in seconds, of course I always felt like a total asshole after a fight but that's one of the things that chronic pain and addiction did to me. I would say nasty hurtful things that at the time felt good to say. It is a awful feeling going around totally negative about everyone and everything and willing to get physical at the drop of a hat.
christineATU
25 Apr 2010
I agree with you Dave, I am counting down the days until my next doctors visit. 4 to go. I mentioned to you before about the meds I am taking. It is too low of a dose for this level of pain. I try to keep my mind off of it by trying to help others. I also have my photography and 2 beautiful grand daughters. They are the main reason I am fighting so hard to get better. I'm doing ok regarding losing my temper (at home at least) and since I'm a bleeding heart liberal, I would never turn violent. Then again, when you have chronic pain, depression creeping in, I can never say never.
Thanks for your input, you did a good job on turning your life around. I'm determined to get there too someday. At least I never had twin boys to deal with! Although I do have a son (now 29) like yours, really in to hockey! Lugging all that stinky gear around, 4am ice time, buying tape by the case load, let alone the price of good skates, helmets, sticks, etc. I sure don't miss that!
Sacosam25 Apr 2010
Hi Crissy... I hate , no! I love telling You this... You are totally , absolutely , posatively and completely , reacting as a NORMAL HUMAN reacts when weighed down by PAIN, PRESSURES , FEAR[big time] , and LONELINESS [where are My friends when I need them?] and if one lumps all these problems together... well... they equal DEPRESSION. You are a very, strong Woman. How do I deal with it? The word "loner" comes to mind , as thats where life led Me. At the age of 13 and after many beatings , and other shit , I caught My father attempting , without much success , to rape My sister. I damn near killed Him with My baseball bat before neighbors pulled Me away. I found out that there was a good chance I would be sent to "Reform School" [prison for under 18] for 5 yrs. I couldn't handle it and there was no place to turn for help , so I hit the road and never went back. How did I deal with it ? I'm not quite sure , but here's what I did...
Sacosam
25 Apr 2010
Crissy; I wanted to ask You , PLEASE , before You submit [I hate that word] any more operations , PLEASE , make an appointment to visit an NP= "Natural Physician"... and bring Your above open post with You as He/She will need to see that... and if You can't afford it , or your insurance won't pay, send Me the bill , and I MEAN THAT "Hey, you talk that Doctors ear off. An NP will listen as that's one of the ways they heal people... "You Go Girl"!
christineATU
26 Apr 2010
Me? Manipulate you? No way Jose' you are way too intelligent for that. I never even finished the 10th grade! I fell in love and got married at 16. Now that our hearts and stories are "out there" I'm still going to fight the system until I win! Remind me also to tell you the story of my dead goose (who was nesting at the time) that the neighbor and I kept throwing back and forth at each other over the property line. Their dogs used to raid my barn. Caught the little bastard head handed! And I will take your advice about the "Natural Doctor." Right now, I need my surgeon to R/R the hardware in my back. I too am a nature and animal lover. My goldfinches and barn swallows are back! You, Jesse, and a few others (including Dave) have been very supportive, direct, and compassionate. All I can do is thank you.
RemSupreme28 Apr 2010
Hi Christine - Sorry I took so long in responding to you. Yes, hon, I have had days like that, like I lash out at people. You aren't alone in that. I wish I could do something concrete to help. I know you feel terrible about doing that and what makes you feel worse is that you are so nice a person. When the time comes, you can make an apology if you want, but for now, keep talking with people who care about you and who understand what is going on with you. I'm here if you want to write. Hang in, Jim
christineATU
29 Apr 2010
Thanks Jim. That's all I CAN do is apologize. I've gotten so much support from some very close "friends" (I hate putting quotes on that word) that I know I can never repay the favor. This forum and the people in it, are my lifeline lately. Why did I bite the hand that feeds me? I leaned too much on a friend here and was hurt when this friend blew me off. I shouldn't take it personal but I did. I lashed out at people for no good reason other than to relieve my own frustration. And by doing that, put myself in a world of guilt and embarrassment. I have to rise above the selfishness of my own needs and wants, get back to square one, and let bygones be bygones. I find out more today from my surgeon. I have a sinking feeling I know what the news will be. I'll learn how to "bite the bullet" and not let emotions get in the way of my own physical and spiritual healing.
29 Apr 2010
sorry I took so long to respond but after reading everyone else my problems seemed inconsequential.I lash out at people every day of my life to get things off of my mind. mostly family members.my pain is overwhelming and i seem to blame everyone around me for lack of comfort. i don"t want my family to be responsible for me, but there are many things i am unable to do so i take it out on everyone. 5years i was diagnosed with a non ruptured cerebral aneurysm/ i chose coiling to a craniotomy. one week later i had a stroke. i was in the hospital at the time so they were able to tpa the stroke to prevent major damage. the only problem that remains is lack of coordination as you can tell by my typing. six months ago i had a TIA. the pain i am being treated for is headaches/ my doctor has ried fenntanyl,oxycontin ms contin, norco and fioricet. i also developed dysphagia after one of the strokes.
christineATU
30 Apr 2010
thanks lillolady, I just got done answering a few questions. Yours was one of them! :) I had to skip a few questions because I didn't want to tell it like it REALLY is! I'm just a little frustrated because my fractures aren't healing as fast as I want! I will get through this, I will survive it and thrive again! If I don't have faith in that, I'm doomed. It's just hard keeping my thoughts positive.
htwooh1 May 2010
This is my lucky day but I won't go on too much about how I lash out. As an example I work with my husband so lashing out can sometimes get into BAD fights which I don't have the stamina for anymore - the last time I lashed out or 'had a fit' like he says, I threw a gatorade bottle and tore my labrium so bad it took 9 hours to repair. I usually tear something up or throw something, phones, files, staplers. I try not to be seen by anyone but sometimes the dogs see me (or hear me) and run for cover. That is when I feel embarrassed and try to compose myself. . quite frankly sometimes this makes me madder and I have to really destroy something . I am thankful I don't hurt living things. Also I don't want another injury.
christineATU
1 May 2010
Thanks htwooh. I know what you mean about the dogs running for cover! There's only 2 times I can remember actually ruining something to get my frustrations out. I was 9 months prego with our first child. Hubby comes home, the house (mobile home at the time) is messy, 99 degrees outside, sweating my butt off, irritable as heck. He walks in and says "WTF!" He picked up a magazine rack (an antique from my grand mother) and drops it. It broke and so did I. I didn't say a word. I walked outside, baseball bat in hand, pushed over his Harley Davidson, and bashed the crap out of the gas tank. He just stood there watching me. It felt soooo good! He KNEW he better just let me do it. The 2nd "tantrum" Hubby and kids had been egging me on, bugging me, for days. Hubby nit picking everything! I had had it! I picked up the computer monitor (the big heavy bulky ones from the 80's) yanked all the cords and threw it through the window.
htwooh
2 May 2010
I know what you mean - my sister told me long ago to write down all these strange things that happen to me that I don't think are unny at the time but she said they will repay me with laughter and that they have! I feel like I'm living in a 'I Love Lucy' rerun sometimes. That has saved me thru alot of pain and depression - laughter. I even have hysterical laughter at very inappropriate times, at which I have trained myself to pretend I am crying so as not to embarrass my family. My son is just like me and we laugh alot - we must look at life differently but it does get you down sometimes. For a good example of Dr.s prescribing - I was concerned about this one time nd told the Dr. I was going to that I was having all these temper tantrums and instead of saying ' oh that's just life (like he should have) or have you tried talking to whomever you are angy at? but Oh no - he gave me valium.
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No Queen, I didn't lash out at you. But I was sooo wrong for posting a hurtful response to people. I'm just frustrated that things aren't healing fast enough for my next surgery, financial bs, complications with my hubbys surgery, nothing major, but very bothersome! And to top it off, I stepped in a pile of dog (bleep) shuffling my way to the bathroom in the middle of the night! I'm even on my dogs S list! :)
Chris I guess you didn't get that long story I wrote you in private, I think I preveiwed it ,but did not submit it. Anyhow do not beat yourself up we all have those moments even whole days when we just lash out. The usefull part is sometimes we are able to say something that needed to be said for a long time! If someone gets to upset over you venting they will be fine I think we are all adults here. My mom is so sick rigjht now and I feel bad but she is being a pain in the... you know where. She aks me to cook her something and then says thing like " that toast was burnt or I can't eat all that. etc. Gotta come pick up her dishes and clean up around her. Now I know we are all frustrated with doctors but we got a copy of the Boston Globe yesterday, a story that the lawsuit we had agaisnt a Police dept. in mass. It was for failure to "protect and serve" You remember I told you my youngest brother hung himself one hour after being released from a city jail.
Expand this post...
He was in protective custoday. My mom and dad were on an emergency flight to Mass, and my aunt lived about an hour from the station there is audio of my dad's call to pick my brother up, it is documented that 1/2 hour after he got there he told a deputy that he was going to kill himself, they told my parents and by law they were to hold him from 24 to 48 hours. They let him go one hour later. That was one hour before the earliest member of the family could be there,well he went right home and threw a cable wire over a pipe and jumped off a chair and that was how he was found, thanks to the hard work of the Waltham, Massachussetts Police Department. They even had a couple bets on video and audio on how would my brother kill himself. We need to take that to the Supreme Court now as all of the jury members found the Police to be guilty. The problem now is my dad has passed, my sister and her fiance (who found him) have passed and my mother does not have the health to carry this on. It was too be $100,000, but the money is not important it the principal. It would be nice if his unborn daughter at the time could have money to go to college. Well that was my day reading a deposition for the third time to decide if my memory is good enough to tackle this for my deceased brother. Sorry the dog shit on the floor, I surley hope you MADE your son clean it! Thinking of you. Fall Queen
Oh my God Jesse, you have the weight of the world on your shoulders! Is it even on the Courts Docket for this session? A relative (by marriage) is retiring from the Court. Is there any way you can expedite this process? For your nieces sake? You have been such a trooper. How do you do it? I hope you got my email address. Please use it! I can only imagine how painful it was just typing out your very sad story. Both emotionally and physically, with your condition! And yes, my son did clean up the dog shit. I've put my foot down(not in it) about his lack of cooperation. I even typed up a LIST for him. Please get in touch with me...
I am finally at home but ready for the bedroom, things are never as bad as they seem to be. Just to be on the safe side I went to the library and rented the book " Shutter Island" I caught the fick at the movies and I wasn't crazy about it but I heard the bool was excellent. It has been ages since I read a book. So you and my other "friends" will be in my prayers and I will talk to you in the morning. Tommorrow I am goimg to find out the exact date that article came out in the Boston Globe, maybe you can pull it up on your computer, it was only a few days ago. Fall Queen