Can I make it? My husband is an opiate addict?

Dear Cant, many other wives/husbands of opiate dependent people ask the same questions you have, you are not alone at all. You are shooting down two really good options that I would have suggested for you, AL Anon is wonderful support filled with people just like you, who have lived it, may have suggestions and it is Anonymous and cheap, $1 per meeting. Suboxone is a life saver for many professionals who can NOT kick an opiate dependence on their own and can't afford any downtime, recovery clinics and will keep his life almost the same while he recovers. It is usually not a weekly visit, it is monthly with required addiction therapy, and he needs that. There are likely emotional issues that are aiding his addiction and are triggering relapses. I hope I am not offending you, I am trying so hard not to. I am at a loss as to what to tell you to do, but can let you know quite a bit about suboxone.

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It can help heal the brain, the counseling helps heal the mind and if he wants to get off of it in the future, he can provided he gives it enough time to work and he does the counseling. Many skip the counseling and therefore stay in the addiction nightmare loop. I know you are hurting and wonder how this all could have happened. Addiction is an inheritable disease, but it can be controlled. Many argue it is not a disease and that no one can inherit that gene, I beg to differ and just a short look into my ancestry proves it for me. We argued in group about it, and all came to the conclusion maybe the addiction therapist was right. Each time he relapses, his neurotransmitters and receptor sites are getting more and more damaged and his withdrawal will be longer. He is most in danger of relapsing when this occurs. There are some really good videos on YouTube.com by 2 people who post there. One is a psychiatrist who is a former opiate dependent, his name is SuboxDoc and he has some great info on subs. The other is a young man named Maple2609, who puts it rather succinctly and accurately how and why suboxone works and why someone would use it to better their life. I am certainly not trying to argue with you over anything, just want to give you a bit more info on subs and let you know that we do care around here, we want to help, just not sure how to in this case. I hope this note finds you feeling a bit better, sometimes just letting it all fly out helps. Take care, God Bless you. Pattishan

Hey cantunderstand,

I won't be able to offer any new suggestions than what has been offered already. I can reiterate the need for both you and your husband to get a support network in place. The best place I have found to start this process is Narcotics Anonymous or Alcoholic Anonymous and the sister programs, Nar anon and Alanon, respectively, for love ones of the addict. You can google each and find meetings near you.

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It is not an enviable position, but only you can decide whether you want to deal with the problems of an addict the rest of your life. The trust will be hard to reestablish. I know my choice for my ex-husband was either he got professional help for his addiction and continue in counseling indefinitely or hit the road. Sounds harsh but I was unwilling to continue living the lie. I didn't want to take the chance of the effect it had on my daughter either. You may want to consider joint counseling eventaully to help in rebuilding the relationship.

We are here for you and you are welcome to vent anytime. If you would prefer to talk in private, I will friend you and you are more than welcome to private message me.

I'll be praying for you and your husband,

Laurie

Thank you all for your replies, and prayers. My family appreciates it. I have been praying more these past few days then I have in years.

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My husband seemed to get through the physical withdrawal (5 days clean now). It was mainly diarrhea, sweating and lots of sleep and tears. He is just very emotional now, anxiety is high, using xanax to help with that. Thank you for all your replies. The thing with my husband, he does EVERYTHING in excess, i'd be too afraid of him finding the same "high" from sub. He will do anything to get away from dealing with his past. He needs counseling big time, and we do as a couple if we get through this. Right now, and even during the worst of the withdrawal, he is exercising daily and took up a new hobby - karate. I (and so does he) think it will be good for him. He has an evaluation in the coming week at an addictions out patient clinic. He will go to the first appt. by himself, then I will join him. I am going to lean on the dr there to guide his course of treatment and I will try my damnedest to keep an open mind.

I go from tears to anger at the drop of a hat, I am not sleeping much, and I am spending my entire reservoir of emotional energy to take care of my kiddos.

I don't know. I ask myself the same question all the time. Will I ever have just a normal life. I am posting for the same reason. I am just angry, frustrated, scared and lonely, My husband is similar to yours he had a bad child hood and was adopted. I get it, I just don't know what to do anymore. I was, am like you. I have done things recreational but always kept the welfare of my children first. I have always maintained a career and have a college degree and been where I should be. We bought a house and had a son. My husband started with pain meds for back pain, which led to methadone which became methadone and xanax and what ever he could get, He almost died once while watching our son. He then decided to quit, he went to daily meeting and was doing good for 68 days. He started work for a good company and now I don't know. He say's I'm paranoid that I'm making something out of nothing. but I know better. I know the signs.

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I love my husband and want to make it work. I am scared because I don't know if I can make it on my own, I don't want our son to be without a father I have been through a divorce before, but I have to ask myself what is worse. When do I say enough is enough. I don't know. I'm sorry I know I am not helping you much, I could spend my whole life hopeing but the truth is they really don't care. They will lie as long as we buy it. As long as it keeps them using. The physical signs are only the beginning the mental is much harder. Love and hope that it works out for you. Say a prayer for me.

I think the frustration of being married to an addict is the disconnect between the two of you, like me and mine, because of the sneakiness, lying, being put in 2nd place to a drug that disrupts everything on a daily basis. It creates anger, sadness, frustration and is always the #1 thing in your mind when you wake up in the morning. It's like having a wedge between the two of you that is unmovable. Our lives cannot be loving, caring, nurturing (my natural tendencies) because we've tried everything in the book to turn the addict around and nothing works - it just makes them more and more withdrawn into themselves and their addiction. I don't know about you but I've had it up to my eye brows trying to do for a grown man that won't see what his actions are causing in our lives. My husband gave up a 20 year job and created a whole financial fiasco, i.e.

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no health insurance, house almost went into foreclosure, had to deplete retirement account, three kids 20 and 16 yr. old twins that are a complete mess emotionally from the turmoil. It goes on and on. Opiate addiction is a lifetime problem for one that has used and abused it. I am resentful that he hijacked my life like this. I, like you, have never allowed recreational drinking, drugging to overtake my life and am really ticked off that he can do this and mess up everyone's life around him like this. To me a person that is so self-absorbed with an 'i can't help it attitude' is not someone that deserves a family. Who wants to spend their life in meetings to train us how to live with an addict? Is that fair? I have lost respect for mine and he doesn't even care, as long as he gets his drugs in him everyday, that's all that counts. I know I sound like an unloving person to some reading this, but until you actually live in this nightmare you cannot imagine all that it takes away from you. I've been living in limbo for 6 years since I discovered this. I've prayed out, if that makes any sense. There is absolutely nothing that will change this until he chooses to stop using or he dies. My hope that he will stop is gone.

My soon to be ex-wife shares all the same characteristics as that which you have listed. I am now broke, both financially and emotionally, and wondering why it is my fault I couldn't fix it. It has been a rough month since I decided to leave. Thankfully, I have friends who have witnessed the nightmare I have been living for over 6 years. They keep reassuring me that I tried, but it's a constant question within myself. I took a vow of for better or worse, but that was with the person that I thought she was. To date, because of the various personalities, outright lies, and purposeful manipulation, I do not know WHO she is. It pains me.

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Today, I am somewhat at peace with the fact that I did try: After the overdose that almost killed her, after in patient treatment, after outpatient treatment, after finding a text message regarding sneaking drugs for someone else from the clinic, while 10s of thousands of dollars vanished from the bank account, after my son was born with birth defects because she continued taking methadone while pregnant so whe wouldnt get sick. I stood by her and told her to just be honest and I would help her. Yet, the only honesty I ever got was after the fact when the proof was staring her in the face. Then came the tears and the promise to change... over and over again.

I, too, am resentful that my life was hijacked. That said, I still love her and want her to change for the better. I think I am coming to the conclusion, though, that I am sticking around because of the hope that she will change. I have come to accept that the normal way of life is second guessing your thoughts and coming second to the addiction. While it kills me inside to walk away from her, I can't be lied to anymore and refuse to come second to the addiction. If she elects to make a change for the better, it must be on her own terms and not because I am present or absent.

Is this selfish?

Six years ago I was asking the same questions, felt the same desperation. My advice: Run.

Over the past six years, I sold my soul, compromised my identity and values, wasted my savings, and irreparably destroyed my self esteem and most horrific of all, damaged my precious daughters. For what? To keep "my marriage together", so my kids wouldn’t grow-up without a "dad". They have a "dad" alright. A "dad" who taught them, by constant example, how to lie and avoid responsibility. This is not life I imaged for myself or my lovely children.

I was never stupid or weak. Just the opposite. I am well educated. I was fit and cute and funny. I worked hard and success came easy for me. I had a supportive family and strong network of friends in a lovely upper middle class neighbor hood. Notice the past tense.

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In 2005, I discovered my husband had a “problem". He was coming home from work falling down high, pissing in the hallway, sleeping/watching for days, then he went off the wall, screaming, agitated, violent. You all know the drill. I was scared. I wanted to help him. I loved him. He loved me. We had two kids. I would stand by him and he would get through this. After all, we were married for better or worse.

Over the next four years I thought i was insulating my daughters form the chaos of their dad's addiction. He never drove them in car. The kids were busy at school, sports, homework, social events, spent allot of time with grandma. I took on the roll of mom and dad. put on a happy face and took care of business. AlI the while, demosnstrating, through my daily example, how to be a doormat. how not stand-up for your rights, that a wife is not entitled to love, affection or respect, that a wife was a target for blame, that wife should never expect the truth, that lies are tolerated in marriage, that marriage is not a partnership. I allowed this to happen.

Worst of all, they knew. They knew I was compromising my integrity and self respect for the sake of a drug addict. My kids, by extension, also comprised a significant portion of their childhood for a drug addict. They had no choice. They grew-up in home without trust, without respect.

At some point, I realized that he (my opiated addicted husband) was not married to me. The love of his life came in a pill (oxy, vicodine, etc). Weren't fathers supposed to put forth effort and make sacrifices for the family? His efforts and sacrifices are for drugs. He wasn't my partner in building a future our daughters. His partner is opiates. His future is getting high.

If you're still trying to be the best wife and mother possible, please stop believing everything will be ok. Every lie you ignore, every dollar missing, every late night wondering when he’ll arrive home is one more chip away from your soul. Your kids are bearing witness to your slow decay.

GRAB the kids and RUN. Why? So you don’t end-up a soulless disaster. Run. NOW. Today. Run for your life. Don’t stop until you are free from the lies and pain of someone else’s addition . Run fast. Run while you still have love in your heart, before hate overtakes your soul. Run. I’m cheering for
you…

p.s. my husband now lives in the garden shed... better than the sidewalk I suppose. I don't know how he get's money or pills. We are not divorced. Slowly I transferred all my assets into my mom's name. He still holds 1/2 deed the house and I can't get him off the land. My kids are pissed I haven't filed for divorce... I'm 52 years old and exhausted and bitter. The best years of my life are gone.