My husband has been an opiate (codeine, morphine, patches, seeds) user for 4 years. He had an alcohol problem as well, but quit drinking several years ago. He describes himself as a functioning user, and by all accounts was. He'd use in the am before work, work a 10 hour day, and then use on the way home, and then be this "terrific" father and husband. We have three young kids and have been married for over 15 years. I love him, and want to believe he is done this time. The hard part is he has literally been hiding( and LYING) this addiction from me for 4 years. I am not stupid, or naive, he is incredibly smart and manipulative. I knew at times in the 4 years he was back on pain meds, but he always said he quit and was clean. Even did some home drug tests to verify that he isn't using. I am angry and resentful. I did not sign on for this. We are both professionals, highly educated and regarded as role model citizens in our community. I am embarrassed, mortified, and scared to death that he will relapse again. This time, he is 4 days clean (all the real bad crying, sweating, shaking, diarrhea is over), and has an evaluation scheduled for a local rehab/counseling outpatient dr's office next week. I am refusing suboxone/methadone as an option. He will not kick this drug by substituting it with anther. Sorry if this offends anyone. But we all are entitled to our opinions and to me, weekly drug clinics are not something I can cope with. My husband had a horrific childhood. I knew this about him, and he has battled with depression and GAD. He has no family to speak of, but literally married into as close to the freaking Leave it to Beaver family as possible. I am a social drinker, and when we met we were young (20's) and both dabbled in recreational drugs (pot & coke) However, literally the day I finished grad school and we got married, bought our house, that STOPPED. I will smoke pot here and there (talking 3 times a YEAR) So I am by no means an angel. But nothing ever stuck with me, I can drop anything at anytime, and have. Once we had kids, all stopped for me, I thought they did for the most part with my husband too, but no such luck. I don't know if I can ever trust him again. For the sake of our children, I am going to see him through the first leg of his sobriety, (if he makes it) and then I will see if I can ever learn to trust him again. His well-being means the worlds to me, and our kids idolize him. But I told him to make no bones about it, one more relapse and we are out.

I am not sure why I am posting actually. I think I need help, but my position in the community, raising three active kids, working full time will not mix with al-anon meetings... this forum is my only hope for getting the strength i need to see him through this. I just think it is so f'in unfair! I have to get my anger out without jeopardizing his sobriety. So I guess this forum is my journal.. all of the members are my strength...

Will my life ever be normal again? Will I ever have who I thought I married back? Can I adjust to a lifestyle of an addict's wife? Should I?