I've had only 3 manic events in 30+yrs & I always suffer from Chronic Depression.The last Mania was almost 2 yrs. ago and I consciencely chose to hide it and not seek help. It lasted for 7 mos. before I was found out. 2 mo.'s later the devastation I caused was truly permanent. When you cannot expect the people you have hurt to forgive you for what you did..and they won't, how do you even begin to forgive yourself? I have no excuses for the bad behavior, even though I was in a Manic State. I knew what I was doing, I knew I should tell someone before it got out of control, It just felt so good to not be depressed. Can anybody tell me how you move forward?
8 Jun 2012
Sometimes even though we know what we're doing, we are incapable of stopping it. Possibly talking to a counselor would help you. No one could say that they haven't done something that hurt others. You're not alone and you're not a bad person. Starting with that thought may help.
8 Jun 2012
In counseling I was always told to forgive yourself first and truly look at what happened and why. Try to apologize twice is probable and explain and talk it through. I could not talk to those who hurt me, I wrote letters. It's easier to pour your heart out on paper if they refuse to listen.
That's my advise, if you have already talked, already apologized.. write it in sincere letters and send it in cards. It's hard to lose people we love and sometimes it just takes a little space to heal.
I'm uncertain how to tell you to move forward but talking is key to success when living depressed. Keep talking anyway, join a group. Just don't shut down and relive it over an over it won't help. Hope things get better for you~
8 Jun 2012
Hello - you are courageous in your honesty, and I applaud it. And yes, an illness is an explanation, but not a removal of accountability for the actions and behaviors that take place. It does sound like it's been over a year since your world crashed around you, and you have yet to make peace with it. I definitely encourage counseling to address that, making your apologies to the people effected and apologizing to yourself, which is the major portion of it. I also would take a look at your meds, that you live in such a constant state of depression the rest of the time. There will always be a volume of the bipolar, kind of like a constant radio running at 2 or 3 in the background, but if you're experiencing a quality of life the rest of the time that has you in such pain, please consider also talking to your psychiatrist about your maintenance medication. Hold your head high and hang in there. terca
8 Jun 2012
You're right, trying to keep a lid on this was maybe not the way to go, but no sense in dwelling on that. I would encourage you to reach out and get the help you need, in seeking that you will indeed find forgiveness for yourself as you are taking steps to avoid future episodes. It's up to others to decide whether they will forgive you or not, but you DO have the option to forgive yourself. Do so, then move forward toward the compassion and help that is all around you. Hope this helps.
8 Jun 2012
Hey there. I suffer from Bipolar Disorder, and have always delt with major deprression. I was out of control for a long while. My way of dealing with anything was alcohol. I turned into a chronic alcoholic and hurt a number of people with my physical disease and mental disease. Unfortunately my two older boys were littler when I was at my worse. I never abused them in any way physically or anything like that, but they saw what the alcohol did to me and what my other mental problems were doing. Anytime they tried to address it to me I would get very angry and deffensive. I wasn't on anything for my depression. Like I said. Alcohol was my answer to everything. I hurt alot of people during that time. I became pregnant about six years ago, and me and my husband made a promise to each other to stop drinking for good. We kept that promise and have been sober for almost six years now. Oh boy, I was proud of myself for getting sober, but little did I know what was to come. When I sobered up and started to realize what I had done, the years I wasted, and the worst thing is what I put my children through. Talk about how to forgive yourself. I hated myself. Most of the people in my life I had done wrong forgave me. But there were a couple that didn't. Plain and simple. And as soon as I had my third child, I went to a phychiatrist and was treated for my mental issues that I had denied for so long. And was ashamed of for a long time. How do you move forward? Hon, beleive it or not you moved forward a little bit just now, by writing to us and reaching out for help. Do you know how many people are in your very shoes, or have been? There's good, caring, wonderful people on this site that are non-judgemental. That was what I loved the most about it. People helping people. And real quick... it took some time for my older boys to truly fully forgive me. My 18 yr old is getting ready to go to boot camp in California and he came and stayed with me for three weeks before he left. He just left this morning. To hear him tell me how proud he was of me, when at one point he told me he hated me. OK, here come the tears. Another thing that really helped me was finding a really good counseler. I laughed at the idea at first, because I just didn't want to go. But it was the best thing I did. And you have to have faith in yourself and beleive in yourself. Don't let the enemy keep you down. Girl... it's in the past now. You had some serious problems that a lot of people go through every day. You hold you're head high for any accomplishment you make. I don't care how small it may be. You writing in was a step forward, and I'm so glad you did. Hang in there and don't let anybody rain on your parade hon. We care and are here to help. Take it from someone who was as low as you could get. If I did it... you can girl. Take care and best wishes. Let us know how you are doing. K? Ruthie
8 Jun 2012
Images, you are being so hard on yourself. The one thing that I have learned through beating myself up through the years is that; you can't change ANYONE but YOURSELF. You have done that. Now you have to be patient, and stop beating yourself up about ignorance of mental illness. That's what this all boils down to, doesn't it?? Everyone is right to find a GOOD counselor. I've been to some bad ones in my day, so try referrals. Remember again, although you knew what you were doing, you were ILL, and because of that, you didn't have the judgement that you do now. Isn't that the definition of manic?? I believe that is in the definition. Please stop beating yourself up. You are on the mend now, and you have tried to make amends, but you can't change anyone but yourself. Best of luck to you!
8 Jun 2012
I have walked a marathon in your shoes for 43 years, mostly dealing with major depressive episodes. I have had two episodes of mania or hypomania, not sure. The first time I was 16, ran away, moved out of my house because of toxic parents, I had experienced every type of abuse... yada, yada... you get my drift. I never went back for any length of time, just lived with great friends, some much older than me. I have major trust issues, keep reliving childhood traumas, even after years of therapy.
Just sayin'. My second manic episode occurred after my divorce. Since I was so sick, rapid cycling St times, I gave the kids to their dad, gave him the house and walked out with only my clothes and car. I managed to buy a new SUV and then spent $20,000.00 on whatever I wanted. Ruined my perfect credit score. Oh well.
Me and my crazed self have traveled the US and Europe extensively ... had loads of fun in between my "episodes".
Some things happened that I wish hadn't regarding my kids, but that is the past, I know I learned a lot as far as acceptable behavior goes. Lessons learned are like bridges burned, you only need to cross them but once... my motto, or a least one anyway.
Try to forgive yourself, apologize to those you can without causing undo pain, and get on with your life.
Take your meds, go to counseling, ponder your navel, do whatchu gotta do.
I wish you the very best,
8 Jun 2012
People aren't alway sure what forgiving is about. Be sure you understand that it is you who is to be forgiven by you. To do that, which you are doing now, you take responsibility for your actions. leave behind blame of any kind on you, the disease, meds, people who have distanced from you. Stick with a counselor and remember that a heartfelt apology will be the start of rebuilding trust. Accept that some will walk away. That is their way to heal. It is not yours to change.
Attend a support group where you can share your concerns. Take your meds reliably. Work with the prescribing psychiatrist to find the correct drugs for you. This takes time. All of it does. You can rebuild a better life.
The choice is always yours. Your wistful feeling for joy is confused. Joy is temporary. Living life fully is what we want. That means ups and downs. Most of us on this site are in some dilemma or another. Start reaching out to others and feel real joy. It is all there waiting for you. You have started the journey. Welcome. Karen
18 Jun 2012
Hi, don't worry about this. Just take your lesson and go on. You should treat both condition well as you know, but I totally understand you. I had been a long time depressive without respond to the medications. It is terrible. But always remember that bipolar is severe disease and hopefully you can forgive yourself. Yes, you know what you did, but you couldn't control that. This is disease not you.
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