Alprazolam - I suffer from agoraphobia, social anxiety, panic attacks, TMJ disorder, and supposed?

Darlin Anna, thanks so much for your post. I most definitely need to look into trying to get SS. I am very unhappy with the place I'm in, you picked up on that easily. I do have a chance to move to a bigger city where I'm sure I could get more help but that would mean breaking up with my boyfriend and leaving my family. Breaking up, I would not mind. In my head, the relationship has been done for a long time. But leaving my parents scares me. I'm 26 years old and feel like a child.
Since my last post, I went and bought the xanax off the street because my doctor would not prescribe me anything. I can't afford doctor visits, I can easily afford both the medications I was prescribed without insurance but without them being prescribed well.. yeah.
So I bought xanax because I knew I was going to go through horrible withdrawals. I did that for about a month and then I couldn't find anymore. I just went through another horrible withdrawal.

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I tried all week to get into a rehab's detox program, but because I had no insurance, I received nothing helpful. I was put on a waiting list at one place but it's for 4-6weeks. Things only went downhill. I thought I was handling it well the first 5 days but then I began to not sleep. I thought I was sleeping, but my bf told me I wasn't. I felt like I was being drugged. I had horrible dreams that felt so real. I stayed up for 3 days, paranoid and afraid. I finally went to the ER because I would open my eyes and the whole room was moving and I was moving with it. I had to turn on bright lights and TV to FOCUS so everything would stop moving. I had tremors, shakes, hot and cold sweats, body pains, and even convulsions. The day I went to the ER I started to hear things.. I thought the whole crew was talking about me while observing and I'm STILL not sure if they really were or not. My bf says no but he was sleepy and doesn't pay that much attention. They sent me home with blood pressure medication and buspirine. About 5 hours later, (that whole time I was hearing the nurses voices and my neighbors trying to get the police to arrest me) I was outside in my PJ's, no shoes, and walking around listening to a woman who was not really there. I thought the police was there to get me and I heard this song playing over and over and she was telling me to come to them. I got frustrated kuz I walked around the whole complex yelling for her and I couldn't find her. I went back into my apartment (and btw, while this was happening everytime I would get a text or phone call, or moved, I would hear that woman telling the police, a man and woman, exactly what I was doing. When I moved, where I was looking, ect... very scary) had the door wide open and was arguing with this woman. My bf came home and found me on the floor and the door open. I asked if he could hear the music and the woman on the speaker and he said no.. there was no one out there. I immediately broke into tears because I could still hear it. I gave in and called someone and they happened to have xanax I could buy, so I did. I wanted to get off of them so bad but no one in this town was helping me,and my mother and I called every place in town. I've been taking them but I know the day will come again where I can't get them anymore and this vicious cycle will start again. I'm more afraid than ever because of the withdrawals and knowing I can't get the help I need. I'm so scared of what could happen this time. I'm afraid my mind won't come back from that paranoid state and hearing things that aren't there.

Hi again! It WOULD be really tough to leave your family right now when you need them so much. Sweetheart, your 26 years old. I don't think anyone would expect you to be FEEL older. What's more important than what other people think, is what YOU think. I'm 62 and I tell my kids that I'm not old enough to be a Grandmother.(I guess they're taking me seriously, cuz I have no grandchildren.) Our illnesses can cause us to grow up a little faster, so, I imagine your ahead of the game, and just don't realize it. Was Xanax one of the meds your doc was going to prescribe? How did it work in the short term? Don't get me wrong, I'm not judging you on scoring meds. I'm not a drugs.com law officer. That's your call. I do a lot of things people tell me not to do. So, I'm no goody goody two shoes. I just want to know how xanax affected you.

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You mentioned that you had two meds that your doc was going to prescribe for you, but you couldn't afford the Dr. visit. What were they? What have you done to apply for SSD? Just get the forms. That's your first move. Look them over. Then, answer one question on a separate piece of paper or your computer so you can change the answer and not screw up the form(something I do more than occasionally.) Just one question. That's one question. One time I let my dishes stack up so high that I didn't know how I was going to get through that stack without getting way too stressed out. I saw this fork that was really dirty, so I washed it. I don't know why, yet I washed a few more. And truly, the mountain of dishes were gone before I ever knew it. The reason I told you that "fork" story is so you realize that if you tell yourself "I'm going to answer this one question right now," your giving yourself permission to take as much time as you need to finish that question. I'm not kidding, you'll have those forms filled out faster than you can imagine. You'll do it one fork at a time. If you can sit down with your mom, or sister or whoever you're comfortable with you while you fill out your application for disability forms, you'll feel more confident and believe it or not, you'll have more courage. Two heads are better than one. The person you're talking to who doesn't exhist is interesting. When that happened to me, I was afraid. One time it was because I felt unsafe in the block I was living in. There were gun shots at least two times or more a week. There were police with their lights on a lot of the time. I was right in the middle of it. Two times while living there I thought someone was in bed with me and I called the police. I moved within a month. I was afraid. The other time was when I was in "mania" I was living out of a vehicle most of the time. I parked behind a grocery store so noone would see me and I could go to the bathroom anywhere without being embarrassed. I kept looking in the back of my vehicle to see if anyone was looking in or trying to get in. I did this so much that I started believing that a man was going to grab my neck. Once again, I was afraid. Sometimes I wonder if that's what causes hallucinations. Fear. Hmmm After 40 years of therapy the one thing that is essential, is to feel safe in your environment. Is it possible that you fear something? Do you think you could benefit from medications for Hallucinations? Go to your county or city health department for assistance. I know the resource is there for you. Ya just have to be deligent and search for immediate relief. If you live in a small town then you may deal with a county agency. You HAVE to do this! You HAVE to get to a Dr. I called Social Security customer assistance and asked about disabilty offices in my area. They gave me a number that led me to the right agency. It may be under "Human Resources." Be kind when you finally talk to the right person and at the same time let them know that you need immediate help, and your very serious. Remember to do one fork at a time. In my opinion(which I'm not sure I'd live by) you're a very bright individual and you need to honor yourself with a good quality of life. If you can't be you, who can? You're unique and very special. Always remember that. The Lord will never give you more than you can handle, without providing a way of Escape: (somewhere in the bible,real smart, huh?) You're just as good as anyone else. These are chemical issues.. I know that I wouldn't be the balanced person I am without medications.( Oh, yeah, like I'm some excellent example. Get back with me. I can't remember everything you said. Hang in there! Be patient as you can be. Take baths and showers. Mark Twain once said "Patience is doing something else in the main time." Cool, huh? Take care and God bless you, Anna